let me tell you what i’ve been enjoying this week.

smell good

because i want to smell this on the neck of a very hot androgynous person. 1996 by byredo

hexensalbe and mist pouffer are the fragrances i wish i could live inside of forever.

a cold dry iris. smells like wet dirt and rain. iris silver mist by serge lutens

monster spray heretic parfum

made to be worn by an angel. fire at will by jovoy

reading to feel pretty again

haunted by joyce carol oates
ugly, psychological, uncomfortable short stories.

the other by thomas tryon
1930s summer in rural connecticut. a queer slow burn late summer horror.

house of psychotic women by kier-la janisse
an book filled with women losing their minds in different films.

the centuries long quest for the scent of god
religion, perfume, incense, ancient recipes, sacred spaces, the relationship between smell and divinity.

listen here: brain zaps and dry heaving

ethel cain
my wife and comfort person do i even need to tell you.

wulven
drone bee.

midwife
heavy, hazy, and haunted.

nicole dollanganger
earth angel.

the ipad kid in me sees the ipad kid in you

blackberry picking. berry stained fingers, freckles, nose kisses with your best friend, blackberry jewels swaddled in pie dough swimming in vanilla bean ice cream.

writing about your crush. civilization persists through a girl’s notes app.

talking to strangers. how can you tell if your boyfriend is the antichrist?

making hyper specific collections on are.na. concealing the worst parts of myself.

reading unhinged fragrantica reviews. searching for avant garde and grotesque perfume notes. moldy church pew.

play with me: horror game protagonist

my ps2
i went to visit my mom and dug up the ps2 in the depths of my childhood bedroom. feeling 12 again.

retro gaming
silent hill, resident evil, and fatal frame. This is my holy trinity as an aspiring horror game protagonist.

switch 2
I’ve been playing fatal frame and zelda because I find comfort in ancient evil and hyrule atmospheres.

watch me

adventure time
i think of finn the human often.

leviticus
adored this. 2 teenagers are forced to do conversion therapy and they get haunted by an entity that takes the form of the person they desire most. queer religious horror. desire comes back to haunt you. sold.

carrie
back with my girl. i could watch carrie forever. the most devastating and prettiest films ever made.

teenage sex and death at camp miasma
a filmmaker gets hired to revive an old slasher franchise and becomes obsessed with casting the actress who played the original final girl. campy horror.

kiss kiss

edeam lip & cheek balm in fig sauce
i want to look bitten, bruised and fig colored.

danessa myricks yummy skin blurring balm powder
pores where’d ya go?

ornament

studio rua jewelry
ancient looking hand made pieces i want to adorn my whole body with.

liver of sulfure
obsessed with unearthed brutalist looking metals.

feed me

full disclosure, almost all of my food obsessions this week have been expensive af

edmond fallot mustard
strong opinions about french mustard.

maison marc pickles
tiny cornichons with a ridiculous price tag.

go greek yogurt
thick tart expensive little treat for good girls.

applesauce pouches
the ones for kids.

okay that’s all i’ve got for this week. if you end up consuming anything in here, please tell me your thoughts.

see you sunday.

xx

caitlyn

mostly at the world, but also at myself for a multitude of things i won’t get into.

like many of you who feel angry at the world, i find it extremely difficult to be creative, let alone write something substantial. whenever i’m in this state, i consume more than i create. art, media, music, magazines, literature. i spend less time trying to make sense of my thoughts and more time looking for people who already have.

remember when this newsletter was filled with articles and tasteful internet culture content? i’m bringing that back.

this fills my cup. and while i love a good girl blog as much as all of you do, i’m not in a state of mind where i feel like sharing my heart with strangers on the internet right now. nor do i have the energy to write a think piece. but when inspo eventually strikes, i’ll send my thoughts your way.

the internet may look like the big bad wolf these days, but there is still so much good here if you know how to sift through the noise.

and if you don’t feel like doing that, you’re in the right place because i’m happy to do it for you.

i think this is how i can help you most right now: by finding an article, film, essay, piece of art, or strange corner of the internet that gives you a little piece of your brain back.

i’ll also use these intros to share whatever i’ve been enjoying lately that feels worthy of taking up space in this newsletter. little things. recommendations. observations. things that make life feel more interesting.

we’ll start there, and then i’ll share some articles i’ve stumbled across recently that might help scratch the intellectual itch i know a lot of us have been feeling.

lately…

-og anonuby. i love the knicks and i love basketball and i love og even more. not only is he incredibly talented but his personality makes me feel understood.

-tru fru dark chocolate blueberry. the perfect late night sweet treat feat. one of my favorite fruits. these are yummy too.

-bossa nova for sweltering summer days. things clarice lispector would listen to.

-laundress soft focus. i’m a laundress stan through and through. the best detergent they ever made was from the collab they did with le labo, specifically the rose 31 scent. soft focus is a newer scent and it’s warm, addictive, delicious and makes me want to laundry all day every day. i wish they made dryer sheets and linen sprays in this scent.

-you ever came by grouper

-nei wai bra. i’m the biggest bra hater you will ever meet. this brand has come the closest to changing my mind. i usually do not wear a bra, but when i do, it’s almost always this one.

-watching the peanuts specials

-arazlo. my dermatologist is one of my favorite people in the world. the most kind, warm hearted, intelligent woman i’ve ever met and i trust her with my whole heart. most of what she has recommended to me for skincare has been cera ve, la roshe posay, and this skin better serum (love this one). and tretinoin. if she recommends something i will immediately get it because she has never let me down. my last visit she asked if i would be open to breaking up with tret to try something new. so ofc i said yes. arazlo has been one of the biggest game changers for my skin. i noticed a difference within the first week of using it. everyone’s skin is different so please consult with a physician before trying anything new. i just love skincare and derm things so when i try something that makes a difference i wont shut up about it.

-bal d’afrique. both the perfume and the body cream have become summer staples for me. there’s something deeply nostalgic about this scent. it reminds me of childhood summers by the lake, warm evenings at the beach, and coconut-lime smoothies. it’s fresh, sunny, and comforting all at once. if you’re not ready to commit to the fragrance, please try the body cream, it is so good!!, especially layered with the body oil.

okay, that’s all for now. let’s get into some articles.

the rest of this newsletter lives behind the paywall.

you’ll find a list of articles to read to keep you entertained for the rest of your day.

thank you for being here and supporting my page.

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but there are things i love about it, too. lingering outside after dinner because there’s still light in the sky. reading with the windows open. spending too long at the farmers market deciding between peaches and apricots. bringing home more fruit and vegetables than i realistically need. but i never regret it because there’s always a recipe calling for them.

more than anything, i notice how different the world feels when the day refuses to end. people stay out later and the evening feels less separate from the afternoon. for a few weeks each year, time seems to loosen its grip a little.

this essay is a collection of the things helping me stay close to the season lately: the books, films, meals, perfumes, and small rituals that have found their way into my days. a little sunburnt and overripe, but lovely because it won’t last forever.

books

bonjour tristesse by françoise sagan

during a summer on the french riviera, 17 yr old cécile spends her days swimming, flirting, and enjoying a carefree life with her widowed father until the arrival of a sophisticated family friend threatens to change everything.

we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson

merricat blackwood lives with her sister constance in a crumbling house on the edge of a village that despises them. after a family tragedy leaves most of the blackwoods dead, the sisters retreat into a strange, insular world that becomes harder and harder to protect. one of the best unreliable narrators ever written.

rebecca by daphne du maurier

a young woman marries the wealthy maxim de winter and moves to his estate, manderley, where she finds herself living in the shadow of his late wife, rebecca. gothic, suspenseful, and filled with some of the most memorable atmosphere ever put on a page.

água viva by clarice lispector

this book follows an unnamed narrator as she reflects on art, time, existence, and what it means to be alive in a particular moment. strange and unlike almost anything else i’ve ever read.

just kids by patti smith

patti smith's memoir of her relationship with photographer robert mapplethorpe and their years as young artists in new york city. a portrait of friendship, ambition, poverty, and the kind of creative devotion that shapes an entire life.

franny and zooey by j.d. salinger

two connected stories about the glass family, centering on franny's spiritual crisis and her brother zooey's attempts to help her through it. part family drama, part philosophical conversation, part nervous breakdown.

at the existentialist café by sarah bakewell

biographical nonfiction about the major figures of existentialism: sartre, de beauvoir, camus, merleau-ponty with enough charm and clarity to make you feel like you’re drinking aperitifs with them.

the sea, the sea by iris murdoch

an aging theatre director retires to a seaside cottage to write his memoir, but becomes obsessed with a long love. what follows is delusion, jealousy, and an unraveling ego. the sea is vast and wild, but so is the mind. messy and brilliant.

the count of monte cristo by alexandre dumas

after being falsely imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit, edmond dantès escapes, acquires an immense fortune, and sets out to exact revenge on the people who betrayed him. wildly entertaining and nearly impossible to put down despite its size.

swimming in the dark by tomasz jedrowski

a summer love story set in 1980s poland. lush, political, and painfully tender. feels like reading someone’s last memory of being young and in love before the world got harder.

summer by edith wharton

charity royard, a young woman living in a small new england town, begins a romance that offers a glimpse of a life beyond the one she knows. one of wharton's most sensual novels and far darker than its title suggests.

the summer book by tove jansson

a grandmother and granddaughter spend a summer together on a tiny island in the gulf of finland, talking about life, nature, death, and everything in between.

the rest of this newsletter lives behind the paywall.

you’ll find films, meals, perfumes, and small rituals that will make your summer last a little longer.

thank you for being here and supporting my page.

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as a kid, i was always drawn to ghost stories, haunted houses, urban legends, and anything that felt even remotely spooky. i loved japanese horror and checking out scary books from the library. i loved staying up too late watching things that probably terrified my parents far more than they terrified me. i still remember becoming completely obsessed with silent hill after watching it for the first time. the atmosphere, the fog. the ash falling from the sky. the empty streets, the siren. everything felt abandoned and haunted and strangely beautiful.

i had a similar experience with ringu. i was probably too young to be watching it, which is probably why it left such an impression on me. years later, i remember the feeling of those films more clearly than i remember most of their plots.

looking back, i don’t think i loved horror because i enjoyed being scared. i loved horror because it gave fear boundaries.

in horror, the danger is usually easy to pinpoint. it lives in the haunted house at the end of the road or in the sound coming from the basement. it wears a mask or emerges from the woods. it has a name, face, and set of rules. even when the threat is supernatural, there’s comfort in its specificity. you know where the danger is and what you’re up against.

real life doesn’t work that way.

and i suspect that’s part of why horror resonates so deeply with so many women. before most women encounter horror as a genre, they’ve already spent years learning how to navigate fear in ordinary life. horror doesn’t introduce fear so much as externalize it. it takes anxieties that are often vague, private, and difficult to articulate and transforms them into something they can see in real time. a ghost, witch, monster, haunted house. suddenly the thing that has been lurking at the edge of your consciousness has a shape.

i find comfort in that.

of course, there was a period of my life when horror stopped feeling comforting altogether.

during covid, i could barely watch it. the world already felt terrifying enough. every day seemed to bring another headline, statistic, or reminder of how little any of us actually knew. there was so much uncertainty and anxiety that by the time evening arrived, the last thing i wanted was more fear, even fictional dread. for the first time in my life, horror took a back seat.

looking back, i think that period taught me that horror is not inherently therapeutic. sometimes it helps us process fear but sometimes our nervous systems are already carrying more than enough. there are seasons of life when a horror film can feel cathartic and seasons when it feels unbearable. both experiences are completely valid and normal.

at its best, horror offers a safe place to engage with difficult emotions. it gives shape to fears that are otherwise difficult to explain. it allows us to confront them, examine them, and sometimes even understand them a little better. most importantly, it reminds us that we are not the only people carrying them.

i think that’s also why i’ve always been drawn to films like house and suspiria. they’re horror films, but they’re also films that feel deeply interested in girlhood. they have deep throughlines with friendship, beauty, performance, jealousy, transformation, and all of the complicated dynamics that emerge when young women are placed together in a shared world. the horror doesn’t feel separate from those experiences. it grows directly out of them.

in many ways, that has always been one of horror’s greatest strengths. for a genre often dismissed as exploitative, horror has consistently returned to questions that are central to women’s lives. again and again, it asks what it means to live inside a body that can be watched, judged, controlled, desired, violated, transformed, or misunderstood. the supernatural elements may change from story to story, but the underlying concerns remain familiar.

when i think about films like rosemary’s baby, i don’t primarily think about satanism. i think about a woman whose instincts are repeatedly dismissed by the people around her. when i think about the exorcist, i don’t first think about possession. i think about the terror of watching a young girl change in ways that neither she nor the adults around her fully understand. even suspiria, with all of its witches and violence and surreal imagery, is fundamentally interested in discipline, ambition, beauty, and the intensity of female spaces.

i guess that’s why horror has always resonated with so many women. beneath the monsters are stories about power, vulnerability, autonomy, desire, motherhood, friendship, and survival. take the shining.

when people talk about the shining, they usually talk about the hotel. the endless hallways. the twins. the elevators full of blood.

what i remember is wendy.

i remember a woman isolated from everyone she knows, trapped with a man whose moods are becoming increasingly unpredictable, trying to protect a child while nobody else can see what she sees.

suspiria takes place inside a ballet academy, but much of its tension comes from the feeling that every institution around its young women is concealing something from them.

what horror understands, perhaps better than any other genre, is that fear is physical.

and it lives in the body.

it takes fears women often carry and makes them impossible to ignore. for two hours, the dread belongs to something else. the monster carries it for you. and unlike real life, monsters can usually be defeated before the film ends.

the rest of this newsletter lives behind the paywall. i’m including all of my favorite horror books and films for you. i’m also including some misc horror pieces of art and media that i think you’ll love. thank you for being here and supporting my page.

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i know what you’re thinking. goths don’t dream about tomato galettes and barefoot dinner parties. but i’m here to tell you: you can romanticize the rot and the ricotta. you can light a candle that smells like damp stone and still want to host a dinner where everything tastes like lemon and love.

this is a summer for both. for those of us who read haunted novels in june, wear black to the farmer’s market, and stir things clockwise (just in case). for the ones who know that staying seasonal is a kind of spell, that soft herbs and soft jazz can be protection, and that food made with intention is magic.

a kitchen witch with a library card

okay, moving into today’s letter…

the barefoot contessa fantasy

i fantasize about summers that smells like lemon zest, fresh tomatoes, and sea salt, where the afternoons stretch long and slow and someone’s always slicing fruit in a sunlit kitchen. it’s not really about the house in the hamptons or the perfect charcuterie board. it’s about something more tender.

i call it an summer.

i want to move through the season with that same kind of ease. soft clothes. jazz playing. herbs snipped straight from the garden. i want to throw fabulous dinner parties. everything simple but significant. everything made with love. it’s a summer that isn’t trying to be anything but itself… a little salty, a little sweet, slightly overripe in the best way.

an ina garten summer is cooking something slowly and reading in between steps, setting the table even if no one’s coming over. it’s deciding that maybe the point of all this isn’t to optimize life, but to taste it more deeply.

so this is your invitation: to a season made of butter and tomatoes and rereading old favorites and to movies that make you feel full. to a summer that feels like the kitchen at golden hour.

food as love language

i love feeding people, including myself. the soft labor of making something just because it will be delicious. remembering how someone takes their coffee or the intimacy of buttering toast for someone still half asleep.

food has always felt like a love language to me and a way of saying: i see you and i care. i made this because i wanted you to have something warm. sometimes i think the reason i love cooking is because it’s one of the only things in life that makes sense. you put time and care into something, and it gives back (lord willing).

so much of that love lives in scent. the rosemary on your fingertips, the garlic blooming in oil, the first burst of citrus when you slice a lemon. scent is how we remember meals and how we’re brought back, years later, to a summer kitchen or a particular evening or a person who once made you soup. herbs wilt on the counter. peaches perfume the air. even the smell of something slightly burned feels like home. it’s invisible, but it holds the memory.

there are summer meals that feel like love letters. fresh pasta with lemon and ricotta. cold watermelon eaten standing up. peaches sliced into bowls of cream. a cobbler perhaps. dinner outside, everything sticky with heat and sweetness, people talking over each other while the candles flicker. these are the kinds of moments that i never want to end.

and sometimes, it’s just for you. cooking for yourself especially in a world that tells you not to bother. there’s magic in making a beautiful lunch and eating it with a book open beside you. in roasting a chicken on a tuesday night just because. in stirring something on the stove while listening to music that makes you feel like the main character of your own life.

there’s no real recipe for an ina garten summer. just good ingredients, good intentions, and a willingness to slow down long enough to enjoy it.

a literary kitchen

some books make you hungry. not always for food, but for life, beauty, slowness, and i think the kitchen is the perfect place to read. it’s where your hands are busy but your mind can wander and the sensual and the intellectual meet. in a literary kitchen, you can feed every part of yourself at once.

and if you’re like me, you start wondering what your favorite writers might have eaten or what they reached for when they were alone. maybe what they cooked when the words wouldn’t come or what their kitchens smelled like in summer.

so here’s a little game i created: meals and moods inspired by the women i love to read. literary flavors, if you will.

clarice lispector
she wouldn’t make a whole meal, just toast, burned a little, with soft butter and one perfect fig. maybe a spoonful of salted ricotta. eaten standing in the kitchen with the window open, barefoot, thinking about god.

pair with: the hour of the star: a young woman drifts through rio de janeiro, surviving on hot dogs, coca-cola, and small hopes she barely knows how to name. slim, strange, and devastating, it turns an ordinary life into something impossible to look away from.

virginia woolf
she’d make lunch for herself at 3pm. a boiled egg, a bit of smoked trout, cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. everything elegant and melancholy. she eats in the garden with a notebook on her lap and crumbs on her skirt.

pair with: to the lighthouse: a family gathers at a summer house on the coast, where meals are served, children grow up, marriages strain, and years pass almost unnoticed. the plot is simple, but every glance, conversation, and ordinary moment feels charged with the weight of an entire life.

nora ephron
pasta, always. linguine with white wine, garlic, and too much parmesan. eaten at the kitchen counter while gossiping. dessert is lemon bars from the freezer. everything smells like butter and home.

pair with: heartburn: a food writer discovers her husband is having an affair while she is pregnant. filled with recipes, dinner parties, and observations about marriage. nora ephron, the woman you are! my forever comfort person.

anne carson
a bowl of pomegranate seeds eaten one by one. a piece of fish poached in milk. a fig cut open on a plate beside a stack of books. the refrigerator is nearly empty except for a few good ingredients, and dinner is usually simple, precise, and unusual. she cooks the way she writes, paying close attention to small details most people would miss.

pair with: autobiography of red: geryon is a shy, red-winged boy growing up in a difficult home when he meets herakles, a charismatic teenager who changes the course of his life. this is a coming of age story and love story. it follows geryon across years and continents as he tries to make sense of desire, heartbreak, and who he’s becoming.

laurie colwin
chicken soup simmering on the stove. thick slices of buttered bread. a jar of homemade jam pulled from the refrigerator. there is always a cake cooling on the counter or a pie that came out a little lopsided, and somehow that makes it better. her kitchen feels lived in and generous.

pair with: home cooking: memoir and cookbook, colwin writes about weeknight dinners, dinner parties, kitchen disasters, and the pleasures of feeding people you love. it’s warm and comforting, like spending an afternoon in someone's favorite kitchen.

reading in the kitchen is intimate. the soup simmers, the kettle whistles, butter softens on the counter and afternoon light crawls across the floorboards. you read a few pages, stir the pot, read a few more. somewhere between the recipe and the paragraph, the afternoon disappears.

the rest of this newsletter lives behind the paywall. i’m including summer recipes, fragrances, candles, films, and more summer fun for you. enjoy! thank you for being here and supporting my page.

join my bookclub :)

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one of the greatest literary experiences a reader can have is devouring a project book that changes your life.

these are the novels that are big and take up extra space on your shelf while you mentally prepare yourself to start them and extra space in your tote bag while you actually consume them.

and even though there are a handful of those huge classics that are not worth the effort, there are several that absolutely are and will potentially change your life if you take the time to read them. these are the kind of books that feel less like something you read and more like something you live inside for a while.

if you’ve been itching to start one, i have five recommendations for you...

the brothers karamazov

if there’s one book on this list that genuinely has the power to rearrange your inner life, it’s this one.

on the surface it’s about a deeply dysfunctional russian family and the murder of their father. the patriarch, fyodor karamazov, is crude, selfish, impulsive, and morally chaotic, and the lives of his sons orbit around the damage he leaves in his wake. when he is murdered, the question of who is responsible begins to unfold, but the novel quickly becomes something far larger than a simple crime story.

because the murder is really just the framework dostoevsky uses to explore much deeper questions about morality, faith, doubt, freedom, guilt, suffering, and what it actually means to be a human being.

each of the brothers represents a different way of moving through the world. dmitri is passionate, impulsive, ruled by emotion and desire. ivan is intellectual, skeptical, tormented by philosophical doubt and moral reasoning. alyosha is gentle, compassionate, deeply spiritual, someone who believes in love and forgiveness even in the face of human cruelty.

watching these three perspectives collide becomes a philosophical drama. the novel isn’t just interested in what happens to the characters, it’s interested in the ideas they represent and the questions they wrestle with.

again and again the book asks enormous moral questions that most people carry throughout their lives. if god does not exist, does that mean everything is permitted? how should we understand suffering, especially the suffering of innocent people? are human beings truly free, or are we driven by darker impulses we barely understand?

dostoevsky doesn’t approach these questions like a philosopher writing a neat argument. instead, he lets them emerge through the lives and struggles of the characters themselves. the ideas feel alive because they’re tied to real emotional stakes. love, jealousy, guilt, shame, longing for redemption.

there are moments in the novel that people remember for the rest of their lives.

ivan’s story of the grand inquisitor, for example, is one of the most famous passages in literature. in it, he imagines christ returning to earth during the spanish inquisition, only to be arrested by the church itself. the inquisitor argues that human beings don’t actually want freedom, they want security, certainty, and authority to tell them what to believe.

it’s a haunting story on religion, power, and the terrifying burden of human freedom.

but the novel isn’t only philosophical. it’s also deeply emotional and painfully human. the characters struggle with love, shame, resentment, guilt, and the longing to be forgiven for the worst things they’ve done.

dostoevsky is fascinated by the idea that human beings are rarely purely good or purely evil. instead, people contain contradictions. generosity alongside cruelty, compassion alongside selfishness, moments of grace alongside moments of terrible weakness.

what makes the novel so powerful is the way it insists on the reality of moral responsibility. even when people are shaped by suffering or circumstance, they are still accountable for the choices they make.

and yet, at the same time, the book is filled with an extraordinary sense of compassion. alyosha, in particular, represents the possibility that love, humility, and forgiveness might still exist even within a broken and chaotic world.

by the time you reach the end of the novel, it feels less like you’ve finished a story and more like you’ve spent time wrestling with the deepest questions about human life itself.

questions about justice, suffering, forgiveness.
about whether human beings are capable of redemption.

it’s one of those rare books that doesn’t simply entertain or even just move you emotionally.

it challenges and unsettles you.

and it forces you to think seriously about what kind of person you want to be and what it actually means to live a moral life in a complicated world.

this article is free for you.

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anna karenina

tolstoy somehow manages to write a novel that feels like it contains the entire emotional landscape of human life.

on the surface, the story is simple. it begins with anna, a beautiful and intelligent woman trapped in a respectable but emotionally empty marriage, who falls passionately in love with another man. what follows is one of the most famous tragic love stories ever written, as anna slowly becomes consumed by a relationship that brings both ecstatic happiness and unbearable emotional turmoil.

but what makes the novel extraordinary is that anna’s story is only one part of it.

running alongside her life is the journey of levin, a landowner who is trying to figure out how to live meaningfully in a confusing world. while anna’s story is dramatic and destructive, levin’s is more introspective. he struggles with questions about work, family, love, faith, and the purpose of human life itself. he wrestles with doubt, with insecurity, with the strange feeling that even when life seems outwardly successful something essential might still be missing.

the novel moves between these two lives: anna’s descent into emotional chaos and levin’s slow, searching attempt to build a life that feels morally and spiritually grounded.

and what makes the book feel so incredible is the way tolstoy understands people. he seems to notice the smallest shifts in human emotion, the tiny moments where a relationship changes direction, the thoughts people have but rarely say out loud.

he captures the strange contradictions that exist inside nearly every human life. the way someone can be deeply loved and yet feel profoundly lonely. the way happiness can exist right alongside dissatisfaction. the way people often sabotage the very things they long for most.

again and again the novel reveals how much of human life is shaped by subtle inner forces. jealousy, insecurity, pride, longing, fear of judgment. tolstoy doesn’t present these emotions as exaggerated; instead, he shows how they operate beneath everyday life, slowly influencing the choices people make and the paths their lives take.

one of the most remarkable things about the novel is that none of the characters feel distant or symbolic. they feel startlingly real. their flaws are recognizable, their moments of happiness fragile, their mistakes painfully human.

as the story unfolds, you begin to realize that tolstoy isn’t just telling a tragic love story or a portrait of russian society. he’s trying to understand something much larger: what it means to live a good life.

through levin especially, the novel becomes a meditation on questions that almost everyone eventually faces. what makes life meaningful? how should we balance ambition, love, work, and morality? how do people find peace in a world that is often confusing and unstable?

by the end of the novel, there’s no neat answer to these questions. instead, there’s a sense that meaning isn’t found in these grand moments but in the smaller, often overlooked parts of life. family, honest work, kindness toward others, the willingness to live with humility and compassion.

and that’s why anna karenina feels so life changing.

by the time you finish it, you don’t just feel like you’ve read a story about anna and levin. it feels like you’ve been watching real human lives unfold with all their beauty, tragedy, and complexity.

and it leaves you thinking, long after you close the book, about how to actually live well.

east of eden

this is one of those rare novels that manages to feel both epic and deeply intimate at the same time. it stretches across generations, following two families living in california’s salinas valley, but somehow the story never loses its emotional closeness. the landscape, the passage of time, the slow unfolding of different lives. all of it gives the novel this mythical quality, and yet the emotional core of the book always remains deeply human and personal.

at the heart of the novel is one of the oldest questions in literature: are we destined to repeat the sins of the people who came before us, or do we actually have the freedom to choose who we become?

again and again, the characters seem to inherit patterns from the generations before them. rivalries repeat themselves between brothers. loneliness and resentment pass from parents to children. people find themselves shaped by wounds they didn’t choose and histories they didn’t create. steinbeck is deeply interested in how easily human beings fall into these inherited roles, how often we unconsciously reenact the same struggles that existed long before we were born.

and for much of the novel, there’s a haunting sense that these patterns might be inevitable. that people are trapped within the moral and emotional inheritance of their families.

but then the novel introduces one of its most important ideas, a single word that slowly transforms the entire meaning of the story: timshel.

steinbeck draws this idea from the biblical story of cain and abel. in the novel, a character studying the original hebrew text discovers that a key word in the passage has often been mistranslated. instead of meaning “thou shalt” or “thou must,” the word timshel means something much more than that.

it means “thou mayest.”

thou mayest overcome sin.
thou mayest choose a different path.
thou mayest become something other than what history expects of you.

this idea changes everything. suddenly the novel is no longer simply a story about inheritance or fate. it becomes a story about the terrifying freedom that comes with being human.

steinbeck begins to show how every character is standing at a moral crossroads, constantly faced with the possibility of choosing generosity instead of cruelty, forgiveness instead of resentment, love instead of bitterness. the characters are never perfectly good or perfectly evil; they exist in that deeply human space where people are capable of both tremendous kindness and tremendous harm.

what makes the novel so powerful is the compassion with which steinbeck approaches all of this. he doesn’t write about human weakness with judgment. instead, he seems endlessly fascinated by people. their flaws, longings, mistakes, their attempts to become better than they were yesterday.

by the time you reach the end of the novel, the idea of timshel begins to feel less like a literary theme and more like a philosophy for living. the book suggests that while we may inherit wounds, failures, and patterns from the past, none of those things completely determine who we are.

there is always the possibility of choosing something different.

and the idea that human beings are not permanently defined by their worst impulses, that redemption and transformation are always still possible, is what makes east of eden feel so deeply life changing.

by the time you close the book, it doesn’t just feel like you’ve finished a long novel. it feels like you’ve spent time thinking about what it actually means to be a human being, and about the strange, beautiful freedom we have to decide what kind of person we will become.

the count of monte cristo

this is a novel that is actually impossible to put down.

the story begins with a young sailor, edmond dantes, whose life is almost impossibly promising. he’s young, talented, deeply loved, and on the verge of becoming the captain of his own ship. he’s about to marry the woman he loves. everything in his life is just beginning to unfold.

and then, almost overnight, it’s all taken from him.

out of jealousy, ambition, and cowardice, the people around him conspire to falsely accuse him of treason. he’s arrested and thrown into a brutal prison where he disappears from the world for years, completely forgotten.

the early part of the novel is devastating because you watch someone who is essentially innocent slowly lose everything. his freedom, his youth, his identity, even his sense of hope.

but then something happens.

in prison, dantes meets an elderly scholar who becomes his teacher. through him he learns languages, science, philosophy, strategy. he essentially rebuilds himself intellectually and spiritually while the world believes he’s dead.

and when he finally escapes, he emerges not as the naive young man he once was, but as something entirely different.

he becomes the count of monte cristo.

what follows is one of the most intricate revenge plots ever written. dantes spends years patiently weaving together a series of elaborate schemes designed to destroy the people who betrayed him. he infiltrates their lives, studies their weaknesses, and slowly sets the stage for their downfall.

and on the surface, this part of the novel is just pure narrative pleasure. it’s dramatic, clever, suspenseful, and almost unbelievably satisfying to watch unfold.

but what makes the book so extraordinary is that it doesn’t stop there.

as dantes moves through his revenge, the novel begins asking more difficult questions. what happens to someone who dedicates their entire life to vengeance? what does it do to their soul?

because the deeper you go into the story, the clearer it becomes that revenge is not as clean or satisfying as it first appears. innocent people begin to get hurt along the way. the consequences of his schemes ripple outward in ways he didn’t fully anticipate.

and slowly, dantes begins to realize that the justice he imagined might not actually be justice at all.

the novel starts to explore the difference between justice and vengeance, between punishment and mercy, between power and forgiveness.

it asks whether a person who has suffered so deeply has the right to play the role of fate in other people’s lives.

by the end, the story that began as a revenge fantasy becomes something far more reflective and humane.

it becomes a meditation on suffering, forgiveness, patience, and the strange ways life unfolds beyond our control.

which is why the novel ends with one of the most beautiful lines in literature:

wait and hope.

and somehow, after a thousand pages of betrayal, imprisonment, revenge, and redemption, those two words feel like the entire point of the story.

middlemarch

george eliot once described it as “a study of provincial life,” which sounds modest, but the novel ends up becoming one of the most insightful stories of human psychology ever written.

it follows several characters whose ambitions, ideals, marriages, and careers slowly collide with reality. there are no grand wars or revolutions here, just the slow unfolding of ordinary lives, which somehow makes the novel feel even more real.

what eliot understands with incredible precision is the way people imagine their futures when they are young. the hopes they carry, the identities they build for themselves, the belief that life will unfold in a certain meaningful direction. and then, slowly, reality intervenes. marriages become more complicated than expected. ambitions falter. compromises appear where once there were ideals.

what eliot captures better than almost anyone is the subtle tragedy of ordinary life. the way people’s dreams shrink, shift, or evolve over time. but she also shows how meaning can still exist within those softer lives.

there’s a deep moral intelligence in the novel. eliot is endlessly curious about why people behave the way they do: how pride, self-deception, generosity, love, and insecurity shape the choices we make.

and what makes the book so powerful is that it never treats its characters harshly. even when they fail, even when they disappoint themselves, eliot approaches them with an extraordinary amount of empathy.

the novel ultimately suggests something very beautiful: that a good life doesn’t always look historically significant. sometimes the most meaningful lives are the quiet ones. the people who try, imperfectly, to be kind, to do some small good, to care for others.

and the book ends with one of the most moving ideas in literature: that the progress of the world often depends on the countless lives that history never records.

that even small acts of goodness ripple outward in ways we may never see.

and once you’ve read it, it becomes very difficult to think about your own life in quite the same way again.

if there’s one thing all of these books have in common, it’s this:

they’re long, yes. but they’re not just long for the sake of being long.

they’re the kind of novels that stay with you for years because they help you understand people, morality, love, and life itself just a little bit more clearly.

and that’s the kind of book that’s always worth the time.

spring has always felt soft and melancholic. when i was little, my mom and i would bake rhubarb pies and shortbread cookies with the changing of the seasons. we’d listen to the sound of rain while the scent of butter, vanilla, and jammy viscous rhubarb macerating on the stove wafted through the kitchen. a delicate mix of gourmand with petrichor and damp air near the window sills. we’d take long drives to the redwoods to visit my aunt and uncle, winding through misty roads where everything smelled like pine and earth waking up after a long sleep. their house always felt like a sanctuary nestled in the woods. a little cottage style home with high ceilings and big windows that felt like the forest was pouring in. trees stretched endlessly, the floor outdoors soft and damp. our days spent up north were filled with homemade crepes and orange juice in the morning, long walks in the woods, followed by trips to their local bookstore and good conversation. by evening, the house smelled of basil and olive oil as we gathered around the table for pesto pasta with garlic bread and the sound of rain and jazz records playing in the background.

this is the kind of spring i love. the one that lingers in the in between, where renewal feels slower, heavier, like a season that holds memories in its hands. fragrance, books, the sound of rain always bring me back to that feeling.

the way i envision my melancholic spring feels like violets pushing through damp earth, lace curtains billowing in a storm, a ghostly romance of victorian nightgowns and forgotten greenhouses that smell of moss and wet earth and leaves crushed between your fingers. it’s the season of rain streaked windows and soft candlelight where winter lingers, but so does the promise of something new.

in today’s letter, i want to share the things that make this season feel richer. the books, films, fragrances, recipes, and small rituals that turn daily life into something intentional. embracing the softness, finding comfort in the rain, and leaning into the kind of spring that feels more like a memory than a season.

books

here’s your spring reading list: lush, melancholic, a little gothic, a little enchanted. books for the in between season, when everything is blooming but still feels haunted by what came before.

a room with a view by e.m. forster
a novel about desire, freedom, and whether we have the courage to follow our instincts. lucy honeychurch is on the verge of settling for a life of polite english repression when a trip to italy shakes her world open. the light, the beauty, the passion. everything she’s been taught to suppress threatens to undo her. a perfect book for spring, full of golden fields, wild violets, and the longing to be something more.

perfume: the story of a murderer by patrick süskind
a novel that lingers like scent itself. decadent, unsettling, and darkly hypnotic. grenouille is born with an extraordinary sense of smell but no personal scent of his own. his obsession with capturing the perfect fragrance leads him to murder, distilling the essence of young women in an attempt to create something beyond human comprehension. lush and grotesque, a book that smells of violets, musk, and death.

the master and margarita by mikhail bulgakov
chaotic, strange, and magical. the devil arrives in soviet moscow with his demonic entourage, unleashing absolute mayhem. alongside this is the story of the master, a persecuted writer, and margarita, who loves him enough to sell her soul. it’s satire, philosophy, romance, and fantasy all at once. dark and absurd but shot through with beauty.

swann’s way by marcel proust
a novel that moves like memory. it’s soft, fragmented, and deeply sensory. childhood recollections, love, jealousy, and the passage of time unfold through proust’s obsessive attention to detail. famous for the madeleine scene, where taste triggers a flood of forgotten memories, but every page is filled with the ache of lost time, springlike in its ephemerality, the way it captures fleeting moments before they disappear.

the waves by virginia woolf
a novel that reads like the ocean, rhythmic, endless, constantly shifting. it follows six characters from childhood to adulthood, but it’s less about plot and more about the movement of time, the way identity dissolves and reforms. woolf’s most experimental work, dreamy and melancholic, filled with the light and shadow of spring.

villette by charlotte brontë
a novel meant for the seasons in between. it’s about solitude, longing, and unfulfilled desires. lucy snowe, plain and reserved, moves to a foreign country to teach, but beneath her surface, she burns with loneliness and suppressed passion. gothic and deeply psychological, full of candlelit rooms, ghostly figures, and the ache of wanting something just out of reach.

middlemarch by george eliot
a novel about ambition, the weight of marriage, and the tension between idealism and reality. dorothea brooke longs for a life of meaning and marries the wrong man in pursuit of it. around her, middlemarch is a web of interwoven lives, each filled with their own desires, disappointments, and small victories. thoughtful, profound, and surprisingly modern.

rebecca by daphne du maurier
the ultimate gothic novel. a young, nameless woman marries a wealthy widower and moves to manderley, a grand estate still haunted, figuratively and literally, by his dead first wife, rebecca. everything is damp, overgrown, and unsettling, from the oppressive rhododendrons to the eerie presence of mrs. danvers. a book that feels like spring in its most haunted form.

the age of innocence by edith wharton
society, repression, and the pain of wanting what you can’t have. newland archer is engaged to a perfectly respectable woman but falls in love with her cousin, the bold, scandalous countess olenska. set in gilded age new york, where rules are everything, and breaking them comes at a cost. elegant, tragic, and full of longing.

spring snow by yukio mishima
the first in mishima’s sea of fertility tetralogy, and arguably the most poetic. a novel of doomed love, political change, and the fleeting beauty of youth. kioyaki, the privileged son of aristocrats, falls for satoko, a woman just out of his reach. tender and tragic, with spring imagery that feels painfully fragile, a book about how nothing beautiful lasts.

maurice by e.m. forster
a love story ahead of its time. maurice, a young man in early 20th century england, realizes he is in love with men in a society that refuses to allow it. it’s tender, melancholy, and ultimately hopeful, a novel about self acceptance and love despite the odds.

lolly willowes by sylvia townsend warner
a woman escapes spinsterhood and oppressive family life by moving to the countryside and becoming a witch. a subversive novel about independence and the magic of solitude. soft, eerie, and strangely empowering.

the passion by jeanette winterson
history, fantasy, and desire tangled together in winterson’s signature poetic style. a soldier in napoleon’s army, a web-footed venetian woman, and a love story that feels like a fever dream. strange and deeply romantic.

the bloody chamber by angela carter
dark, sensual fairytales rewritten with sharp teeth. bluebeard, beauty and the beast, little red riding hood, transformed into gothic, feminist fever dreams. decadent, violent, and dripping with magic.

the wind in the willows by kenneth grahame
childhood nostalgia in its purest form. mole, rat, badger, and toad live along the riverbank, having adventures that feel both small and deeply meaningful. full of nature’s magic, a book that makes the world feel gentle and good.

the secret garden by frances hodgson burnett
a book about healing, loneliness, and the way nature can bring things back to life. mary, an orphan, moves into a gloomy estate and discovers a hidden garden that slowly transforms her world. spring in novel form.

alice’s adventures in wonderland by lewis carroll
nonsense and surrealism at its best. alice falls down a rabbit hole and enters a world of strange logic, bizarre characters, and dreamlike absurdity. playful, eerie, and utterly timeless.

the complete fairy tales the brothers grimm
all the fairy tales before they were softened. dark, strange, and beautifully eerie. woods filled with curses, children turned into birds, red shoes that dance until they kill you. fairytales as they were meant to be: wild, uncanny, and just a little dangerous.

let move on to films for when spring feels bright, and for when it feels haunted…

the rest of this newsletter is for paid subscribers.

i’m sharing a letter full of spring rituals, films, fragrances, recipes, and other activities to do as we prepare for this new season! lots of goodies for you below <3

if you’re curious about sampling you can use my link at scent split for a discount on all samples and full size bottles

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in tea as therapy, i wrote about working in a tea shop in undergrad. shortly after that job, i worked in a coffee shop.

and the pace was completely different.

the espresso machine was always hot. it hissed and spat steam in short bursts, and the grinder would erupt every few minutes, drowning out whatever conversation was happening at the register. milk pitchers knocked against the counter, there were bags of beans stacked on metal shelves behind us, each one labeled with a country, a farm, a processing method, and tasting notes we were expected to memorize. organized chaos.

ethiopia | natural process | blueberry, cacao.
colombia | washed | caramel, citrus.
guatemala | honey process | stone fruit, brown sugar.

and we weren’t just supposed to recite those words. we were supposed to understand them and know why a natural process might taste fermented if the shot ran too long, why a light roast could taste sharp if you under extracted it, why dark roast didn’t mean stronger and why bitterness wasn’t a personality trait of coffee, it was usually a mistake in preparation.

if they bought a bag of beans, i had to explain why their french press tasted muddy last week, why their pour over was thin, why pre ground coffee loses something essential before you even open the bag, why water that’s too hot flattens acidity and pulls out harshness instead. why espresso is less about force and more about timing. (this was at a time when coffee was starting to get real pretentious)

i learned quickly that most people who say they don’t like coffee have only ever had coffee that was burned or stale.

i spent entire shifts dialing in shots, turning the grinder a fraction tighter or looser, watching the stream of espresso fall into the cup and checking whether it came out too fast, too slow, too pale, too dark. if it poured like water, it was wrong. if it dripped like tar, it was wrong. there was a narrow window where everything aligned, and you could taste it immediately.

steaming milk and latte art was therapeutic in its own way. too much air and it was stiff and dry. too little and it felt flat.

coffee is less forgiving than tea. it reacts instantly, exposes impatience, and it doesn’t hide your mistakes.

but there is something so calming and therapeutic about the sounds and pace of a coffee shop. i thrive in organized chaos.

working there made me precise in a different way. it taught me to pay attention even when the line was long, or when someone was tapping their card against the counter, even when the machine was overheating and we were running out of oat milk.

so this essay isn’t just about liking coffee.

it’s about how to build a coffee setup that feels intentional, some books that shaped the way i think about coffee as culture and labor, coffee forward fragrances that actually capture espresso and warm wood without turning sweet, the tools i reach for every morning, and how coffee structures a day.

coffee can be rushed and most of the time it is.

but it can also be the one thing you get right before everything else starts asking something from you.

and that’s where i want to start.

books on coffee

the blue bottle craft of coffee by james freeman
written by someone who helped reshape specialty coffee in the us, this book moves from bean sourcing to roasting to brewing. it explains espresso calibration, milk texturing, pour over ratios, and the ethos of a coffee culture rooted in craft rather than convenience.

coffee life in japan by merry white
a cultural study that treats coffee as a social phenomenon rather than a drink. white explores how coffee became woven into japanese daily life: kissaten, kissaten culture, work rhythms, and the interplay between ritual, modernity, and taste. this book shows how coffee becomes more than caffeine and settles into identity, landscape, and social practice.

days at the morisaki bookshop by satoshi yagisawa
this cozy comforting book is not about coffee per se, but about the places where books and coffee meet: small stores, wooden tables, lingering afternoons. yagisawa’s essays capture a world where a cup becomes a companion to reading and reflection, where the ritual of brewing mirrors the slow discovery of stories. this feels like reading with your favorite café on a rainy day unhurried, textured, and alive with detail.

the full moon coffee shop by deb koehler
a fiction that feels like a series of moments rather than a single arc, this novel places coffee shops at the center of human connection. strangers who become friends over late night lattes, heartbreak soothed by warm mugs, people learning to show up again.

coffee fragrances

amore caffè by mancera

this smells like walking into a cafe that leans dessert heavy. espresso poured over vanilla ice cream, amaretto in the background, brown sugar melting into something warm and thick. it’s sweet, but there’s density to it. the coffee isn’t sharp or bitter; it’s folded into cream and sugar until it feels indulgent. this is not your 6am black coffee. this is late afternoon, ceramic cup, something layered and edible.

2 am in lafayette by sorce

coffee and caramel and milk, but with oakmoss underneath that keeps it from becoming sticky. there’s something about this that feels like being awake when you shouldn’t be. the witching hour. the sweetness is there, but it’s softened by something green and slightly textured. it feels intimate. like the smell left on your sweater after sitting too long in a dim café with the lights low.

bois corsé by diptyque

this is coffee stripped back and made dry. sandalwood, tonka, cedar. it smells like espresso beans sitting on a wooden counter. less milk, more structure. there’s warmth, but it’s controlled. not sugary, not playful. it feels composed. if you like the smell of ground coffee before water hits it, or the faint bitterness in the air of a specialty shop before it opens, this captures that mood.

vietnamese coffee by d’annam

condensed milk and dark chocolate with coffee running through it, but there’s a brightness that keeps it from collapsing into pure sweetness. something slightly floral, almost green, lifts it. it really does evoke vietnamese coffee. strong, thick, layered. this one feels nostalgic and specific. it smells like metal filters dripping slowly over glass, like heat pressing in from outside.

awake by akro

coffee with cardamom and a sharp citrus edge. there’s an energy to this. it doesn’t linger in creaminess. it feels brisk, almost electric at first. the vetiver underneath keeps it dry and grounded. this is morning coffee before you’ve said anything to anyone.

coffea by jil sander

this is a cleaner interpretation. coffee sits in the center, but aldehydes and orris make it feel airy rather than heavy. there’s something slightly abstract about it. like the idea of coffee rather than the literal drink. peruvian balsam adds warmth without turning it sugary. this is for someone who wants coffee as texture, not as dessert.

(this post is free, but if you enjoy this newsletter, consider becoming a paid subscriber and be part of a smaller circle where things feel a little softer, a little more personal, you’ll get early access to my youtube videos and a weekly media consumption roundup filled with articles, video essays, podcasts, and other references to make you smarter. i’d love to have you there)

we’ll be talking about my favorite coffee candles, coffee tools, beans, coffee inspired snacks, and more below…

if you’re curious about sampling you can use my link at scent split for a discount on all samples and full size bottles

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when work, studying, and everything else in your life feels heavy, the only thing that can actually reset your body and brain chemistry is good sleep.

this month, life has felt overwhelmingly exhausting but equally energizing, and i’m not sure if it’s because i’ve started a new term in school or because of my new job. maybe both. but both are fueling me in ways i didn’t expect. exhausting and rewarding work that feels meaningful, and that keeps reminding me that nothing on the internet is real, nor could it ever replace the beauty and soul of living your life offline.

by writing to you, am i perpetuating the problem?

i want to create a space online that feels helpful and meaningful, but that feels impossible right now. not only am i pouring from an empty cup, it feels like i’m pouring what little reserve i do have into a flooded pool. we don’t need any more voices. not like these, at least.

i suppose in the meantime, i’ll share what’s been top of mind and what’s actually giving me the energy and capacity to do meaningful work offline.

sleep.

we’re always talking about sleep in numbers. eight hours. circadian rhythms. optimization. and anyone who has laid down in bed, exhausted, mind flickering like a faulty lightbulb, knows that sleep is not just a biological function. it’s a state you have to be gently guided into.

good sleep starts with a solid nightly routine. soft cues and signals to your body that the day is over and it is safe to let go. comfort and kindness toward yourself.

this is a collection of personal essentials. little rituals that turn my bed into a nest, my room into a cozy world, and sleep into something i invite into my world. but before we get into that, i need to share some books that have truly opened my eyes to the most imperative part of our existence…

we spend a third of our lives unconscious, yet most of us treat sleep like an afterthought. reading about sleep made it feel less like a personal struggle and more like a universal human project. so these are a few books that shaped how i think about rest, dreaming, and the strange private world we enter every night.

why we sleep by matthew walker
a deep dive into the science of sleep written for general readers. walker explains what happens in the brain and body while we sleep, why sleep affects memory, mood, immunity, aging, and mental health. it makes the case that sleep is not a lifestyle preference but a biological necessity.

dreamland by david k. randall
part investigative journalism, part science storytelling. randall explores sleep labs, strange sleep disorders, dreaming, and the history of sleep research. it’s curious, readable, and gives a wide-angle view of how humans study sleep.

the sleep solution by w. chris winter
written by a practicing sleep doctor. focused on real-world sleep problems and practical fixes. it breaks down common myths about sleep and explains what actually helps people rest better.

when brains dream by antonio zadra and robert stickgold
a book of dreaming. it looks at why we dream, how dreams process emotion and memory, and what dreaming reveals about consciousness. more academic, but fascinating if you’re interested in the mind at night.

the science of sleep by wallace b. mendelson
an accessible overview of sleep biology and sleep medicine. explains sleep cycles, circadian rhythms, disorders, and treatments. reads like a friendly guide to how sleep works under the hood.

the rest of this newsletter is for paid subscribers.
if you want the full list of sleep comforts, rituals, and small routines that have been making rest easier lately, you can join me below.

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i’ve learned to pay attention to how my body reacts in certain social situations, especially the ones that come with a lot of unspoken expectation, like parties, dinners with people i don’t know well, or networking in any form, because they all land in my body the same way. my chest tightens, my breathing gets shallow without me even noticing it happening, and by the time i get home i’m not just socially tired, i feel wrung out in a way that’s closer to feeling sick than simply fatigued.

what i need afterward is always the same. quiet. stillness. no conversation, no stimulation, no catching up on anything. i usually sit somewhere and stare at nothing for a long time, long enough for my nervous system to settle back into itself. a slow return to a baseline my body recognizes again.

for a long time i thought this was just the cost of preferring solitude, that this was what being introverted meant for me. but the longer i paid attention, the clearer it became that this wasn’t actually about disliking people at all. it was about pressure. the pressure to seem at ease, to keep conversation moving, to stay socially legible for long stretches of time, even when my body was counting down the minutes until i could be alone again.

(this post is free, but if you enjoy this newsletter, consider becoming a paid subscriber and be part of a smaller circle where things feel a little softer, a little more personal, you’ll get early access to my youtube videos and a weekly media consumption roundup filled with articles, video essays, podcasts, and other references to make you smarter. i’d love to have you there)

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i don’t think introversion means rejecting connection. for me, it’s more about being sensitive to the conditions in which connection happens. anxiety tends to show up when being with other people starts to feel like constant output instead of simple presence, when i’m tracking myself in the interaction instead of just being in it, and under those conditions even people who genuinely crave closeness can start to associate social life with depletion rather than nourishment.

we tell ourselves we want less connection, when what we actually want is less pressure, and we mistake the relief of being alone for proof that we’re better off isolated.

what shifted for me was realizing that there were other ways of being with people that didn’t trigger that response in my body. i didn’t notice them at first because they don’t present themselves as “social” in the traditional sense. they’re more incidental, and the connection isn’t the main event, which is exactly why they work.

some of the most regulating moments of togetherness i’ve had happen alongside something else. sitting in a room with other people reading, each of us absorbed in our own book. walking with someone without needing to fill every second with conversation. making something with my hands while other people do the same, everyone focused, occasionally exchanging a few words and then dropping back into the task. nothing is demanded, nothing needs to be sustained, and somehow connection still happens anyway.

in these moments my body stays relaxed and my breathing doesn’t tighten, and i don’t feel that familiar panic of needing to be interesting or keep the conversation going or make sure i’m coming across the right way. the relief comes from not being the center of attention and from having something else to focus on, which makes being with other people feel natural instead of effortful.

what still surprises me is that connection happens anyway, just in small, simple ways. someone points out a line in their book. someone asks a practical question. someone laughs and the moment passes. nothing turns into a performance, nothing needs to be followed up later, and somehow that’s enough to feel genuinely connected without feeling drained.

this kind of being together feels easy. you can be quiet without it being awkward. you can drift in and out of the room mentally without worrying that you’re being rude. you can participate as much or as little as your energy allows. no one is keeping track of how well you’re doing socially.

for people who are introverted or anxious or both, this matters more than most of us realize. a lot of social spaces are built around constant talking, quick responses, eye contact, and staying “on,” but these quieter settings let you be around other people without feeling exposed or exhausted by the end of it.

and because of that, something unexpected happens. instead of bracing against connection, you start to feel open to it again. not because you’re pushing yourself, but because nothing is pushing you back.

i didn’t have language for this shift at first. it felt personal, like something i’d figured out about myself rather than part of a broader pattern. but the more i paid attention, the more obvious it became that this wasn’t just an individual preference. other people were searching for the same conditions. the same gentler terms.

this is what eventbrite’s annual trends report Social Study 2026 names soft socializing. experiences where connection is present but not foregrounded, where the activity itself carries the weight and social interaction is allowed to remain secondary. the data reflects something that feels immediately recognizable. most people still want to be around others, but they don’t want socializing to be the main event. they want to control how and when they interact. they want to focus on the experience itself.

that preference shows up in the kinds of gatherings people are choosing. silent book clubs. puzzle meetups. flower arranging workshops. coffee tastings. walking groups. events structured around shared attention rather than forced conversation. these aren’t anti-social spaces. they’re carefully designed ones. they assume that connection happens best when it isn’t demanded.

after years of overstimulation and performance, both online and off, people aren’t opting out of community. they’re adjusting it. they’re choosing environments that don’t require constant explanation, charisma, or self-disclosure. spaces where you can arrive as you are, stay at the level you feel comfortable with, and leave without needing to justify either choice.

soft socializing doesn’t remove connection. it changes the way it happens. instead of asking people to show up ready to perform, it creates situations where simply being there is enough. instead of making interaction the focus, it lets the experience lead. the social part becomes something you can step into or out of naturally, without consequence.

for people who are introverted, anxious, burnt out, or simply tired, this isn’t a small adjustment. it’s the difference between avoiding social life altogether and returning to it in a way that feels manageable.

once you notice this pattern, it’s hard not to see what it’s responding to.

this shift didn’t come out of nowhere. it feels like a response to years of accumulation. being online too much. being watched too much. being asked constantly to explain ourselves, brand ourselves, narrate ourselves. even offline, social life began to mirror the internet. optimized, curated, performative, and loud.

for a long time, the solution to disconnection was more stimulation. bigger events. louder rooms. more networking. more visibility. more friction dressed up as opportunity. but eventually that logic collapsed. the cost became impossible to ignore and people didn’t stop wanting each other, they just stopped wanting to be “on” all the time.

soft socializing feels like a correction to that excess. not a rejection of community, but a refusal to treat connection like a performance. it prioritizes experiences that let you stay grounded instead of hyper-aware. spaces where you don’t have to introduce yourself a certain way or prove that you belong. spaces where silence isn’t awkward and attention is allowed to drift.

and choosing environments where nothing is demanded of you feels energizing. where you can sit in a room without feeling like you need to perform. where conversation can happen or not happen and both feel fine. it’s a way of staying connected to people without feeling drained by them. soft socializing isn’t about doing less. it’s about doing things in a way that feels better. a social life that matches how people actually feel, not how they think they’re supposed to feel, especially for those of us who have learned to associate being together with exhaustion.

for me, the change happened when i stopped pushing past my body’s limits and started paying attention to them. less performing. more permission to be myself. more ways of being with people that didn’t require recovery afterward. once i had that, connection stopped feeling threatening. it felt possible again.

soft socializing doesn’t guarantee instant closeness. it doesn’t try to force anything. it just gives people a way to be together that feels natural instead of effortful.

sometimes the way back to each other isn’t through trying harder or putting yourself out there more. it’s through choosing gentler ways of being together. doing something side by side. sharing a room. letting connection happen if it wants to.

okay, that’s all for today.

i love you.

bye.

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i’ve been severely under the weather this week with the worst flu so pardon my absence. now that i can somewhat function again, we’re back to regular scheduling.

on a different and more positive note, here’s a little snippet of the giveaway goodies i sent our winner! if you’re not already a paid subscriber, sign up below to enter into our next giveaway. it’ll be valentine’s themed and very exciting <3

and now let’s get into today’s letter… your sunday science lesson of sorts.

attention is a physical process.

the circuits that are used repeatedly in our brains become easier to activate, and over time our brain starts to prefer the pathways it travels most often, the same way a footpath becomes clearer the more people walk it. when you spend long stretches of time in digital spaces built around rapid novelty, constant switching, and immediate replacement, your brain learns that this is the normal operating rhythm. not because you lack willpower or depth or discipline, but because biological systems adapt to the conditions they are placed in.

sustained attention relies heavily on prefrontal networks that coordinate focus, working memory, and decision making. these systems work best when they are allowed to remain engaged with one object long enough to stabilize. constant interruption prevents that stabilization. information enters briefly and exits before it can be consolidated into long term memory. this is why you can scroll for an hour and recall almost nothing afterward. the experience never stayed in place long enough to be encoded.

over time, this shapes how thinking feels from the inside. reading a book requires holding context across pages. writing requires keeping a sentence in mind while planning the next one. complex reasoning requires resisting the impulse to abandon a thought halfway through. when the brain has been trained on environments that reward immediate switching, these activities begin to feel exhausting and abnormally challenging, not because they are unnatural, but because the supporting networks have been underused.

luckily, none of this is irreversible. neural pathways strengthen in the direction of practice. environments that reward sustained engagement gradually rebuild the capacity for it. when you spend time in spaces that ask you to follow a paragraph to its conclusion, solve a problem step by step, or return to an idea over days instead of seconds, the brain begins to reestablish continuity, memory improves, comprehension deepens. inner speech becomes less fragmented. thinking feels less like chasing and more like staying.

once you start paying attention to this, you see it everywhere. the way reading feels harder than it used to. the way you reach for your phone in every pause. the way half your day can be filled with information that never quite becomes knowledge. the internet is not entirely the enemy. i like having access to more writing, art, lectures, conversations, and ideas than any person in history could have dreamed of. the issue is not the existence of these things, it’s the shape they take and the pace they ask of you.

so instead of treating my phone like an enemy, i started treating it like a space that can be arranged. some rooms are built for distraction. some rooms are built for shopping. but a few rooms are built for staying, reading, solving, collecting, returning. once i realized that difference, the question stopped being how to use my phone less, and started being which environments i want my mind to live in when i pick it up without thinking.

the list below is simply the answer i arrived at for myself. not because these apps are perfect, or because they fix anything overnight, but because they make it easier to remain with a thought long enough to finish it.

before we get into apps, i want to share some book recommendations that sit somewhere between theory, cultural criticism, memoir, and art writing. these books look at the internet, images, algorithms, fractured realities, and the shape of attention, but from stranger angles and sharper vantage points. if you want to go deeper than apps and habits and into the ideas underneath all of this, these are some good ones.

medium hot: images in the age of heat by hito steyerl

this is a book that starts from the image and ends up somewhere much larger, asking what it means to live in a world where pictures no longer just represent reality but actively shape it, circulate faster than events themselves, and increasingly come from machines rather than people. steyerl moves between art, technology, politics, and climate, writing in a way that feels closer to walking through an exhibition than reading a traditional essay collection. she is interested in how images are produced, who controls their circulation, what they do to attention, and how they train what we think is normal, desirable, or true. the book does not separate aesthetics from power or technology from economics, and by the time you finish it, you start to see every screen around you as part of a larger system rather than a neutral window. it’s the kind of text that has already developed a cult following among people who live at the intersection of art theory, media criticism, and internet culture, because it doesn’t just describe the visual world we inhabit, it makes it suddenly visible again.

doppelganger: a trip into the mirror world by naomi klein

this book starts with the fact that naomi klein is constantly mistaken for naomi wolf, and then uses that confusion as a doorway into a much larger question about what happens when reality itself splits into parallel versions that no longer recognize each other. it moves between memoir, political reporting, and cultural analysis, but it never feels like a thesis statement, it feels like someone walking through a hall of mirrors and describing what it does to your sense of direction. it’s about conspiracy worlds, online radicalization, the collapse of shared facts, and the strange intimacy of watching someone with your name become the inverse of everything you believe. the result is less a book about internet culture and more a book about what it feels like to live in a time where identity, truth, and perception are no longer stable agreements.

filterworld: how algorithms flattened culture by kyle chayka

this is one of those books that puts language to a feeling you already have but haven’t quite named. that creeping sense that every coffee shop looks the same, every playlist sounds the same, every vacation photo feels familiar before you’ve even been there. chayka traces how recommendation systems shape taste, not by truly personalizing it, but by nudging everyone toward the same safe middle ground. the book moves through music, fashion, food, travel, art, and media, showing how platforms reward sameness because sameness is predictable and predictable is profitable. it’s not a panic book, it’s a slow mapping of how invisible systems guide what you think you chose freely, and by the end you start noticing how much of your “preference” was trained rather than discovered.

aesthetica by allie rowbottom

t follows a former influencer who built her identity around being seen, desired, and aesthetically perfected, and who now plans a procedure to reverse years of cosmetic surgery. the story moves between her rise in early instagram culture and her present moment of reckoning, showing how a self constructed for constant visibility starts to hollow out from the inside. it is not satire and it is not moralizing. it is intimate, uncomfortable, and precise about the way attention becomes currency, beauty becomes obligation, and the self becomes a project that never finishes. it’s one of those books that feels like it understands the psychic cost of living online without ever needing to lecture you about it.

the rest of this essay is for paid subscribers.

below, i share the apps i actually keep on my phone when i want my mind to feel clear instead of scattered. the anti brain rot spaces. the reading rooms. the places i go when i want to think in full sentences again. along with them, i’ve included the educational resources i trust, the ones that feel less like content and more like real study.

if you’ve been feeling the same low level attention fatigue i have, this section is meant to be practical. not a challenge. not a reset. just a list of environments that make staying with a thought a little easier.

truly, your support means the world to me and it’s what gives me the capacity to write to you.

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it’s winter and i’m alive again.

this season has a way of making me feel like i’m a prisoner inside myself.

clarice lispector once said, i’ve never been free in my whole life. inside i’ve always chased myself. i’ve become intolerable to myself. i live in a lacerated duality. i’m seemingly free, but i’m a prisoner inside of me.

winter forcibly makes time move slow. the weather, the people, the days, hours, minutes, seconds all moving in slow motion, inevitably sending my mind into endless, toxic, infinite loops.

because of this, i’ve learned ways to hijack the system. i spent years watching this paradoxical, masochistic pattern of loving the melancholy of winter while simultaneously wishing my life away slowly erode my brain in ways that felt impossible to escape once the season came to an end.

i’ve learned to romanticize parts of my routines because i’m delusional. i’m delusional, but i am almost free. and while nothing in this world feels better than rotting away in my bed in the melancholic dead of winter (paradise), unfortunately i’m an adult with adult responsibilities and i’m no longer 22, so the bed rotting must be kept to a minimum.

and i’ve learned that the best way to feel like a person again is by reading books, watching good cinema, and keeping a list of rituals on hand that heal your inner child and remind you that you’re a human being.

with that said, let me share with you some winter requisites to get you through the season…

books to keep you company

apple in the dark by clarice lispector
this novel follows martim, a man who believes he has committed a violent crime and runs away to a rural farm to hide. much of the book focuses on his physical labor, isolation, and attempts to understand what it means to exist as a person stripped of social identity. this is a no plot just vibes book about how he thinks, reacts, and slowly rebuilds a sense of self through daily work and observation.

the master and margarita by mikhail bulgakov
this novel alternates between three storylines: the devil visiting soviet moscow, a retelling of the trial of jesus and pontius pilate, and a love story between a writer and margarita. it satirizes censorship, bureaucracy, and moral cowardice under an authoritarian regime. despite fantastical elements, the book is grounded in questions of power, fear, artistic freedom, and personal responsibility.

the death of ivan ilyich by leo tolstoy
this short novel follows a judge who becomes seriously ill and is forced to confront the fact that he has lived his life according to social expectations rather than personal conviction. most of the book focuses on his physical decline, fear of death, and isolation from people who avoid his suffering.

jazz by toni morrison
set in 1920s harlem, this novel centers on a married couple, joe and violet trace, and joe’s affair with a much younger woman. after the affair ends violently, the book traces the characters’ pasts, relationships, and emotional histories. it examines marriage, desire, betrayal, and how personal trauma carries across generations.

dubliners by james joyce
this is a collection of short stories about ordinary people living in dublin in the early 20th century. each story focuses on a specific moment where a character realizes something uncomfortable about their life, relationships, or limitations. the book deals with routine, social pressure, family obligation, religion, and the feeling of being stuck.

hamnet by maggie o’farrell
this novel imagines the life of shakespeare’s family, focusing on his wife agnes and their son hamnet, who dies young. the story looks at grief, illness, marriage, and motherhood. it explores how personal loss affects a family and how that loss eventually shapes shakespeare’s writing. i want to watch the film adaptation of this but i need to get through the book first.

chess story by stefan zweig
this book follows a man who survives solitary confinement by memorizing a book of chess games. when he later encounters a chess champion, his mental coping mechanism begins to collapse. the story focuses on obsession, isolation, and psychological damage.

demons by fyodor dostoevsky
this novel focuses on a group of young radicals in a provincial russian town who are involved in revolutionary politics. their beliefs lead to manipulation, violence, and moral collapse. the book highlights ideology, nihilism, power, and what happens when abstract political ideas override human responsibility.

villette by charlotte brontë
villette follows lucy snowe, an english woman who moves to a fictional belgian city to work as a teacher. much of the story focuses on her loneliness, inner restraint, and daily struggles rather than romance. it deals with isolation, independence, religious conflict, and how women survive with limited social power.

persuasion by jane austen
this novel follows anne elliot, a woman in her late twenties who was persuaded years earlier to break off an engagement with a man she loved because he lacked status and wealth. when he reenters her life years later as a successful naval officer, anne has to live with the consequences of that choice. the book focuses on regret, restraint, quiet endurance, and second chances. it’s a calmer, more introspective austen novel, and it pays close attention to aging, patience, and emotional maturity rather than youthful romance.

the idiot by fyodor dostoevsky
the idiot centers on prince myshkin, a man who is unusually kind, honest, and morally sincere, returning to russian society after years of medical treatment. his openness and compassion confuse and unsettle the people around him, many of whom are driven by pride, desire, and social competition. the book explores what happens when genuine goodness enters a corrupt social world. it deals with innocence, suffering, love, jealousy, and whether moral purity is possible, or even survivable, in modern society.

anna karenina by leo tolstoy
this novel follows several intersecting lives, most famously anna karenina, a married woman who begins an affair that challenges social norms and personal stability. alongside anna’s story is levin’s, which focuses on marriage, work, faith, and the search for meaning in everyday life. the book focuses on themes of love, desire, family, social judgment, and the tension between personal happiness and social obligation. it moves between private emotional struggles and broader questions about how to live a good and honest life.

i will be making my way through jane austen’s books in 2026 starting with persuasion and pride and prejudice so if any of you care to join me on this adventure please let me know! i haven’t read her books since i was very young and it felt like a good time to revisit them.

the rest of this newsletter is for paid subscribers.
if you want to read the full list of winter requisites, i’m sharing film recommendations, a long list of rituals, activities, fragrances, candles, and things to help romanticize your winter bed rotting adventures. join us below.

thank you for being here and supporting my work.

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this is part two…

i didn’t think i had enough life changing things to justify a sequel my original essay. but the more i paid attention to my daily routine, the more i realized how many objects and habits hold my days together and reshaped the texture of my routines.

so here are the next round of objects and rituals that have earned their place in my life by showing up every single day.

things that changed my life: part two

• hobonichi techo planner:
  i’m very particular with my planners. i’ve tried every brand imaginable and while, at the end of the day, the notes app rules my life, the hobonichi is a close second. the layout and structure work best for the ways in which i map out my day, and i appreciate the minimalist design and aesthetic.

• lola blanky:
  as a blanky connoisseur, i can attest to the level of comfort and warmth these blankets provide. you’ve probably seen them all over your social media feeds, but they are truly worth the hype. they come in different sizes. i have one for my couch, one for my bed, and one for my lap when i work at my desk. the dark chocolate brown is my favorite.

• our place pan:
  despite how much i try to cosplay a gourmet chef in the kitchen, the stainless steel pans don’t do it for me. i don’t have the time, skills, or patience to tediously and meticulously babysit my eggs or whatever it is i’m cooking to ensure they don’t destroy the pan. our place is a favorite, not only for their pans, but the pot and dream cooker are, well, a dream.

• ginger licorice tea:
  licorice can be an acquired taste for some, but in this tea it serves as a sweetening agent. i’m someone who loves a spicy, strong ginger tea, and this is one of the best i’ve ever had. perfect for mornings to start your day. perfect for evenings to settle your tummy before sleep.

• cozy earth bedsheets:
  i’ve tried every expensive name brand bedding you can think of, and these sheets truly changed my life. they make me feel like i’m sleeping on a cloud. princess sleep. if you’re going to gift yourself anything for christmas, let it be these sheets paired with the duvet cover.

• loop earplugs:
  are you an easily overstimulated introvert, too? these have been a big game changer for me, especially if i’m doing an activity that requires me to be in a particularly challenging environment. they shave off the perfect layer of noise so you can still have conversations and go about your task while feeling comforted and safe.

• intimissimi tops:
  if you’re a fan of acquiring perfect basics and staple pieces, you will love this one. i wear an intimissimi top at least 3x a week. they come in different colors and the fit is flattering for everyone.

• warmies:
  hot girls sleep with stuffed animals. and hot girls will understand the lore of warmies. if you run anxious, cold, a little depresso, a warmie will come to your rescue. each stuffed animal is filled with lavender, so when you put it in the microwave, the herbs really open up and give you the cleanest smelling lavender. also note that i’m not typically a lavender person, but i’ll make an exception for this.

• escentric molecules molecule 01:
  so this perfume changed my life for several reasons. it’s the first perfume i’ve ever gone through a full-size bottle of (besides malaia, a perfume from hollister that is now discontinued), and i also never leave my house without it. i use it to layer with all of my other perfumes. lastly, and unimportantly, i receive compliments on this scent more than any other perfume, and half of the time i can’t even smell it. when i do, it’s grounded in notes of sandalwood and light, airy woods. very fresh and clean smelling.

• ugg coquette slippers:
  you will never catch me barefoot in my house. i’ve had these slippers for so long. when i was a teen i would constantly borrow my mom’s uggs and her barefoot dreams robe, and i’ve been spoiled ever since.

the rest of this essay is for paid subscribers. i’m sharing the full list of objects and rituals that have rearranged my days. they’ve proven themselves in the smallest, most persistent ways. all of them have become anchors, shaping the hours of my day without asking for permission.

if you’ve been wanting to curate your own life on the level of mornings and evenings, of textures and scents, of the details that make a day feel more like your own, i hope this list helps in some way.

thank you for reading and for supporting my work.

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in the spirit of pantone declaring cloud dancer the color of the year (which feels like a personal attack on everyone who has been cultivating their angelic, slightly delusional, softly glowing aesthetic since 2014), i thought we could collectively lean into the vibes.

this is a very unserious guide for living like a cloud princess angel fairy in 2026 because it will make your life prettier while you’re still figuring everything else out. i hope this gives you a permission slip to become soft, impractical, fragrant, plush, glowing, moisturized, and deeply whimsical.

(this post is free, but if you enjoy this newsletter, consider becoming a paid subscriber and be part of a smaller circle where things feel a little softer, a little more personal, you’ll get early access to my youtube videos and a weekly media consumption roundup filled with articles, video essays, podcasts, and other references to make you smarter. i’d love to have you there)

truly, your support means the world to me and it’s what gives me the capacity to write to you.

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here’s the syllabus for your new ethereal existence:

perfumes, because cloud princesses must smell divine

angel dust by fugazzi
soft and powdery in the prettiest way, like the air inside a velvet jewelry box. it smells clean, sparkling, warm, a little mischievous, like someone who floats into a room instead of walking.

valaya by parfums de marly
a bright, airy white musk that smells like fresh fruits and silk sheets hanging in sunlight. it dries down into something creamy, warm, and musky. it’s elegant but effortless, the kind of scent that feels expensive without trying and lingers like a soft halo around you.

lull by gabar
milky, calm, slightly sweet. like warm skin after a nap. like warm tea with fruit on a soft afternoon. it opens calm and comforting, then settles into something plush and musky, with a faint rosy softness that feels intimate rather than romantic. this is a rest scent. meant to be worn close, like a cardigan you never plan to take off.

little flower by regime des fleurs
a delicate floral with depth. bright and gently fruity at first, then softening into tea, petals, and something sacred. it feels airy but grounded, like flowers arranged near an open window with incense burning somewhere in the background. romantic, calm, and a little introspective rather than sweet.

studied by liis
studied smells like a perfectly behaved cloud drifting through a library. clean, airy, a little sweet from the pear. it floats, it glows, it minds its business in the prettiest way.

1957 by chanel
luxurious fluff. elegant white musk wrapped in a cashmere glow. polished, glowing, and subtly sweet in that effortlessly expensive chanel way.

bal d’afrique by byredo
sunlit and happy. bright, warm, fleeting, and a little nostalgic, like remembering a golden summer of your dreams.

olene by diptyque
a bouquet of jasmine and wisteria that feels like walking through a garden where everything is blooming at once. soft, dreamy, slightly old world in the most romantic way.

books to read while pretending you live six feet above the ground
these are books you float through. choose something dreamy, ethereal, abstract, unhurried. something you can read while eating sugared strawberries from your favorite bowl.

decreation by anne carson
a book that feels like floating through philosophy in your favorite silk slippers. it’s fragmented, luminous, and slightly above human comprehension in the most angelic way.

eros the bittersweet by anne carson
the academic version of yearning on a cloud. sharp, airy, and a little painful, like intellectual flirtation with the sky.

alice’s adventures in wonderland by lewis carroll
pure whimsical delusion. read when you want to feel unhinged in a charming, pastel way.

the secret garden by frances hodgson burnett
soft, mossy magic. a book that blooms slowly and makes you feel like you could coax flowers and emotional growth out of thin air.

wings of starlight by allison saft
tinkerbell fans, this one is for you. romantic, dreamy, feather-light fantasy.

nearer the moon by anais nin
for the cloud princess who craves sensual, dreamy, and beautifully unrestrained prose.

the encyclopedia of magical herbs by scott cunningham
for when you want to feel like a cottagecore cloud fairy who forages in moonlight. charming, practical, and just mystical enough to pretend you have a tiny apothecary in the sky.

living like an angel

cozy earth bedsheets, aka your personal cumulonimbus
a cloud princess cannot sleep on anything that reminds her she is mortal. this is your chrysalis, sanctuary, and emotional support weather formation. slide into these sheets as though you are clocking in for your night shift as a celestial being.

skin care + lotions to maintain the illusion of permanent dew
cosplay a “freshly misted hydrangea.” your face should glisten in a way that makes people wonder if you are well rested or if you’ve recently been born. moisturize until you squeak.

the lola blanky: your comfort cloud
every cloud princess needs a designated blanky that suggests deep inner peace and mild delusion. use it for reading, napping, dissolving into softness, or when your existential dread demands a fabric-based intervention.

the barefoot dreams robe: your official cloud princess uniform
this robe transforms your home into your kingdom. the coziest softest dreamiest item of clothing you’ll ever own.

a stuffed animal
emotional support objects are not optional. select a plush creature with a face that suggests loyalty and comfort. it should accompany you through all storms, literal and metaphorical.

ethereal playlists to set the weather of your life
your soundtrack must sound like soft harp strings and enchanted forests. this is the music that follows you when you open your fridge at 2 a.m.

prioritize your posture
a cloud princess does not slouch. she hovers and glides and sits as though she’s about to be painted in a pre raphaelite masterpiece.

and a few more principles of cloud-coded living:
–prioritize princess sleep: go to bed early, make your pillows feel ceremonial, and treat your nighttime routine like a quiet little ritual
–drink iced water from a fancy glass even when you’re home alone
–eat fresh fruits throughout the day
–conserving your energy
–keep your nightstand uncluttered so waking up feels lighter
–play soft background music while you do the most mundane tasks
–replace one chaotic habit with something gentle (reading instead of doom scrolling, tea instead of a second coffee, etc.)
–take five minutes to stretch in natural light every morning
–wear fabrics that feel good on your skin, even if the outfit itself is nothing special
–open the window once a day, no matter what
–keep something comforting within reach at all times (a blanket, a lotion, a book you love)
–put your phone across the room when you’re trying to think
–rest before you’re exhausted
–romanticize something real and small in your daily routine
–practice the art of not rushing. even if only for the first 15 minutes of your day
–keep one small, consistent ritual every day (tea at night, a walk at lunch, reading a page before bed)
–say no before you’re overwhelmed
–create a playlist that genuinely improves your mood and use it shamelessly
–let yourself enjoy things that make your life softer, even if they’re not “productive”

living like a cloud princess angel fairy isn’t about being ethereal all the time, it’s about choosing ease where you can find it. a softer routine, a nicer moment, a habit that makes you exhale. if these ideas give you even one of those moments, then perfect. if not, float on without them. the year will be what you make it, softness included.

okay, that’s all for today.

i love you.

bye.

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this newsletter is sponsored by book of the month

this month’s post is all about the books i’m choosing for the end of the year and why i’m being more intentional with what i read in december. i always want something that feels a little darker, a little stranger, something that doesn’t melt into all the holiday noise. which is exactly why i choose dark sisters to add to my tbr.
dark sisters — book of the month

it has the type of tension i love in a story. three women in three different centuries, each pulled toward the same force that keeps resurfacing in their lives. the story moves through witchcraft, religious pressure, and forbidden desire, but what kept me hooked was the way each woman refuses to shrink herself to fit the world around her. i wanted something with teeth this month and this one delivers. it feels like a secret you step into and carry with you for the rest of the day.

if you’ve never tried book of the month, december is a great time to start. they narrow everything down into a short list of new releases so you can pick quickly without overthinking. if nothing speaks to you, you can skip. if you try a book and don’t love it, they replace it for free through their reader’s guarantee. and the rewards you earn after a few boxes are actually useful, which i appreciate.

they’re also running their holiday intro offer right now. your first book is 5 dollars and you get a free hat with the code holly.

try it today

i picked dark sisters, but the other december selections look great too if you want something lighter, more romantic, or more fast paced. the blue box arrived this week and it really is the perfect way to close out the year.

sponsored mention. all opinions my own.

i’ve chosen to stay single for the past thirteen years by choice and in that time, i’ve taken myself on more solo dates than i can count. sometimes with girlfriends and sometimes alone. regardless, i’m constantly thinking about future experiences to plan with the people i love most. because of that, my notes app has slowly turned into an archive of date ideas. so today, i wanted to share a few.

i love hinge because it feels like a gentle reminder that love is out there, and that trying again doesn’t have to feel intimidating.

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truly, your support means the world to me and it’s what gives me the capacity to write to you.

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philosophy books

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with all of that said… here is a list of dates i’d like to go on someday:

-a night at the museum: personally, i enjoy museums rich with history like the met or the morgan library. we’d spend hours wandering the gallery halls, admiring our favorite paintings, discussing things related and unrelated to our surroundings. we’d wander around the gift shop and then end our evening at a jazz bar or quaint cafe. maybe we’d bring a book to read or enjoy each others company amidst a jazzy backdrop.

-going to an art cafe: there’s a place in new york called happy medium and it’s essentially like a restaurant, but instead of ordering food, you order experiences. there’s pottery, figure drawing, large canvas painting, and more. it’s one of my favorite activities to do whenever i need to get off the screen and surround myself with exceptional music, radiant people, and vibes.

-bookstore crawl: instead of bar hopping, imagine visiting your favorite bookstores, picking out a book for each other, and leaving a note inside about why you chose it. finish the night somewhere cozy with good food and ambient light.

-movie night at home with chinese take out: an introverts dream, really. in my perfect world, we’d watch a mix of artsy criterion films like l’eclisse (1962) or house (1977) and then a feel good tv show like fleabag for background noise. and takeout from wu’s wonton king.

-reading date at the library: another introvert’s dream date. i truly think you’ve found the right person when you’re able to sit amidst one another’s silence in pure contentment. there’s no awkward tension or the need to pursue forced conversation to fill the void. there’s comfort in the silence. but this date is ideal for readers and lovers and even more ideal in the rose reading room at the new york public library. or at your favorite cafe.

-baking project at home: a home baking adventure is a great way to see how two people work together with one another. part of this adventure includes sifting through pages of old cookbooks before deciding on a recipe together, writing a list of ingredients on a piece of paper and going to the grocery store to shop for said ingredients, then coming home to begin the baking adventure (paired with a really good playlist), and of course, enjoying your creation over a good film or something lowkey after a full day of adventure.

-a night at the ballet: i would love to relive the 18 years i spent doing ballet. what about the met opera in nyc? a dream. i think there is something so attractive watching your person’s eyes light up from experiencing a current or previous passion. since the going to the ballet feels quite elite and fancy, i’d want the whole evening to feel intentional. dinner somewhere beautiful, a rideshare into the city, and live piano music to end the night.

-a trip to the farmer’s market: the reason this date idea works so well is because of the seasons. no matter what season we’re in, there will always be farmer’s markets with a bounty of seasonal produce and freshly baked goods from local bakeries. fill your totes with simple ingredients you can play with together later in the kitchen. trips to the farmer’s markets are reverse grocery store experiences because you go with the intention of picking out what looks the best, then you create a recipe from your findings. the union square greenmarket is one of my favorites.

-a long weekend in upstate new york: an autumnal fall foliage trip upstate. we would stay a few nights at the wildflower farms resort in the hudson valley and a few nights at the maker hotel. we would visit small shop first bloom. we would eat at stissing house. we would take a cooking class and go apple picking, and visit churchtown dairy to pet baby cows. this is a fantasy that will forever live in my dreams.

-making homemade pizza: this is a particularly cute idea if you can make your pizza into shapes. little hearts for valentine’s day, or ghosts or pumpkins for fall, candycanes for christmas or little snowmen, bunnies for spring, etc.

-a slow sunday at home: breakfast in bed. blueberry pancakes, maple sausage and toast with salted butter and jam. hot coffee and/or orange juice. reading the new yorker. soft jazz in the background.

-taking photos with film cameras: plan an adventure of some sort. it can be simple like a trip to your favorite restaurant or bookstore. or a trip to the zoo. or a night at the cinema. bring a film camera, leave your phone in your bag. print the photos later that month and scrapbook, journal, use them as bookmarks, etc.

-picnic at the park: spring, summer, and autumn are ideal for this, although the thought of a winter picnic sounds ideal if both people are bundled, there are cozy blankets and hot cocoa with extra marshmallows.

-visit the farm: and i’m also adding u-pick farms into this date idea. this is something you can do during most months of the year. spring, summer, and autumn are ideal. you can pick fresh fruits or vegetables and then pet baby farm animals. the perfect day if you ask me.

whether you’re single, or in committed relationship, or maybe you have a platonic best friend you adore more than anything, i hope you find ways to make memories with your person.

if you’ve been thinking about putting yourself back out there, take this as your sign to try again and start small. see what happens.

Sponsored mention. All opinions are my own and milk fed is not affiliated with any of the other mentioned parties.

#hingepartner

okay, that’s all for today.

i love you.

bye.

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there were many different drafts i crafted and scrapped while making this gift guide for you. do you really need another gift guided from another girl blog? probably not. while i enjoy curated aesthetic lists tied with a pretty bow, i figured there’s enough of those to go around, so instead, i want to provide you with a smaller list focused of functional, practical gifts with sprinkles of whimsy and cutesy treats.

i have so many other recommendations, and i tried my best to practice self control and not overwhelm this list so if there’s a specific recipient you’re stuck on and needing some ideas send me a message and i’ll brainstorm some ideas with you.

books, stationery, experiences

first edition books or signed editions of your recipients favorite author
there is something so intimate about gifting someone a first edition or a signed copy of the author who means the most to them. make them a bookmark and write a little note on the back of it.

paper republic journals
i have a code for you. these are my favorite journals because they feel timeless and they age beautifully with use. i recently did a journaling ecosystem video showing how i use them, and the best part is that you can fully customize them so they feel like an extension of your mind.

stationery (fav pens, sticky notes, etc)
buy a pencil case and fill it with stationery they will actually use and love. think pens that glide perfectly, tabs for their books, sticky notes for their ideas, and all the tiny tools that make writing feel like a ritual instead of a task. it is such an easy way to give someone something personal without overthinking it.

tickets!! ballets, museums, cultural events, etc
gifting an experience is the most valuable gift because it becomes a memory instead of an object. these are my favorite gifts to receive because they give you a reason to slow down and make a day special. a ballet, a museum exhibit, a concert, a lecture, anything that feels like stepping briefly into another world.

criterion membership, print magazine subs
support your favorite publications and print magazines. this is the perfect gift for someone who loves thoughtful culture and wants to be inspired all year long. it feels old world in the best way, like being part of a tiny world that still values beautiful writing.

popeye!!
(especially the girlfriend edition) popeye is endlessly charming and always so visually satisfying. it is the ideal gift for anyone who loves culture, lifestyle, and that soft japanese editorial feeling. a small luxury that never misses.

substack subs
this is a shameless plug, but gift them a milk fed subscription or a bundle of your favorite substack writers. it is truly the most personal digital gift because it gives them writing, community, and comfort all year long. such an easy yes.

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truly, your support means the world to me and it’s what gives me the capacity to write to you.

nyrb books

philosophy books

classic literature

gothic literature

(follow ig, tiktok, youtube, pinterest and spotify for more)

fragrance, beauty, candles

shark facial pro
the shark facial pro feels like doing a professional facial in your bathroom without the stress of appointments or the price tag. it makes your skin feel clean and lifted in that very noticeable way that feels addictive. perfect for someone who takes their skincare seriously.

perfume discovery sets
marissa zappas, maison d’etto, the maker, regime des fleurs, jouissance. all of these discovery sets are the perfect entry into niche fragrance without feeling intimidating or too avant garde. it is like giving someone a tiny curated world to explore until they find something that feels like their second skin.

luxe bath products
there is nothing more special than stepping into the shower with soaps and body washes that smell incredible. a few favorites are the orpheon shower gel by diptyque, cyklar in crescent and vanilla, and carnal flower or portrait of a lady by frederic malle. these turn a basic shower into something that feels like a quiet ritual.

candles and incense (byredo, trudon, aesop, madhappy)
the terres blondes candle by diptyque is my newest obsession because it is warm, cozy, and perfect for winter. byredo makes some of my favorite candles ever, especially altar and cotton poplin, and their chai candle is another perfect one for colder months. trudon is ideal if they love baroque or victorian aesthetics, with salta being perfect for spring and gabriel for autumn and winter, while madhappy makes incredible incense and the kagerou incense from aesop smells exactly like a tiny tea house hidden in a quiet corner of kyoto.

candle warmer
arguably one of the best amazon purchases i have ever made. this is perfect for the candle lover with allergies or the person who is scared they will forget to blow theirs out. it makes the scent softer, cleaner, and somehow stronger.

fara homidi lip plumping
i am never using another lip gloss again. tawny is my absolute favorite because it makes your lips look full without the sting and gives that perfect soft shine. it also doesn’t take off your lipstick and lasts the entire day.

beauty kit of chanel favs
create a tiny beauty capsule of your favorites from chanel. think a mascara and eye shadow palette, a gloss set, a discovery bundle of the exclusifs fragrances, or the cutest purse spray, something that feels curated and thoughtful. it is such a chic and easy gift.

jewelry, sentimentals, trinkets

sofia zakia
sofia zakia pieces feel mystical and romantic. all of her jewelry holds a story and it’s perfect for someone who loves soft, celestial details, the kind of person who notices symbolism and believes objects can carry meaning. every piece feels like a tiny talisman, and her shop is truly one of the most special places to step into. she also makes the most beautiful engagement rings like this wandering star supreme ring.

july rose jewelry
july rose makes pieces that feel simple, elegant, and personal. these are the kinds of items someone ends up wearing every day without even thinking about it. understated in the best way. she makes iconic journal jewelry to adorn your paper republic journal with, too.

cozy at home, cozy with you

hatch
the hatch gently wakes you up with light and sound that feels human instead of chaotic. it completely changes your morning routine in the softest possible way. ideal for anyone who hates phone alarms.

piglet in bed or tekla
these are some of the dreamiest bedding brands out there, truly. everything feels soft, breathable, and elevated in that quiet, luxurious way. perfect for someone who treats their bed like a sanctuary.

pajamas (deiji studios, if only if)
these pajamas feel like slipping into a different version of yourself, the relaxed and beautiful one. they are soft, chic, and feel considered even though they are simple. perfect for anyone who values comfort that still feels aesthetic.

coucou
the cutest undergarments and basics that still feel romantic. coucou always nails that delicate but wearable vibe. such an easy gift for someone who loves softness.

intimissimi tops
intimissimi makes the perfect basics. soft, flattering, and ideal for layering. these tops end up becoming everyday staples. they are 1000000% worth the hype.

lola blanket
one of the softest blankets ever. it is warm, plush, and ideal for cold nights, movie nights, or reading marathons. the kind of blanket you immediately claim as your favorite. they made me understand why linus had such an affinity for his blanky.

maileg stuffed animal
whimsical and nostalgic in the sweetest way. these feel like storybook objects brought to life. perfect for kids, teens, or adults with soft hearts. i collect the mice and they also make the most perfect addition to any gift for friends and family. yes, even (and especially) grown ups.

warmies
they even make a heated snoopy plush that smells faintly of lavender. and they make mini sizes for travel. it is comforting in a way that feels emotional and cozy. perfect for winter nights.

practically perfect, functional

loop earplugs
ideal for anyone sensitive to noise or easily overstimulated. great for concerts, studying, traveling, or sleeping. they are tiny but genuinely life changing.

dyson
functional luxury at its best. whether you choose the vacuum or the hair tools, it is the kind of gift someone will use constantly and feel grateful for every single time.

hostess with the mostess

king cookbook
a beautiful and practical cookbook with recipes that always work. perfect for someone who loves to cook or wants to start. it feels like gifting a new kitchen ritual.

sant ambroeus panettone
a chic and delicious holiday classic. this is one of the most aesthetic and universally loved food gifts. it always feels festive.

breville espresso maker
ideal for the coffee lover who dreams of cafe level drinks at home. it is expensive but truly transforms mornings. a perfect long term gift.

gohar home
gohar home makes surreal, artistic pieces that make your table feel alive. gifting one of their items feels like gifting a tiny piece of art. perfect for someone who loves hosting.

candle warmer
yes, it is so good it deserves to appear twice. an amazing hostess gift because it is practical, aesthetic, and instantly useful.

our place
our place is the ultimate crowd pleaser. their cookware looks beautiful and functions even better. a simple gift that everyone appreciates. they have the entire 13 piece set or you could simply gift one of their original pans or thier pot!

food gifts
small batch olive oils, honeys, chocolates, teas, spices. edible gifts are always cozy and thoughtful and never go to waste. perfect for someone who loves kitchen rituals.

for him

popeye magazine
a perfect mix of style, culture, and japanese editorial charm. he will actually read this. it is cool without trying too hard.

j press hat
classic and timeless. perfect for the guy who likes things that are preppy and effortlessly put together.

technivorm moccamaster coffee maker
one of the best coffee makers in the world. perfect for someone who genuinely cares about their morning brew. functional and beautiful.

david yurman box chain bracelet
clean and masculine while still feeling subtle. a great option if he likes jewelry that feels understated but luxurious.

skims boxers men
soft and extremely flattering. he will wear these constantly. a perfect easy gift.

tekla robe
the ultimate cozy robe. plush, elevated, and perfect for slow mornings or late nights. ideal for someone who loves comfort.

fishersund fragrance discovery set
clean, atmospheric scents inspired by iceland. perfect for someone who likes their fragrances earthy, quiet, and interesting. a great intro to niche perfume for men.

balmuda oven
the most elevated toaster oven ever created, turning something as simple as toast into an experience. it makes pastries softer, bread crispier, and everything taste like it came from a tiny bakery. perfect for the person who appreciates small daily luxuries.

kindle scribe
perfect for readers, writers, or anyone who likes to annotate. it is that ideal mix of tech and creativity.

hobonichi planner
the perfect planner for the man who loves structure but still wants a little creativity in his daily life. the paper is beautiful, the layout is simple without being boring, and it becomes even better the more it’s used. ideal for someone who loves planning or journaling. this is still my favorite planner of all time.

okay, that’s all for today.

i love you.

bye.

(follow ig, tiktok, youtube, pinterest and spotify for more)

for my cinephiles, you can get 30 days free at mubi.com/milkfed. no strings, just beautifully curated cinema. available in the united states and wherever MUBI streams.

do you get overstimulated, too?

sometimes i think my nervous system was built for a different universe. living in new york city inevitably exposes me to endless currents of noises—traffic, multiple conversations happening around me all at once, and music leaking from other people’s headphones on the subway. i find great comfort being lonely but never alone in this city, pulsing like a heartbeat that is steady and alive. but alas i am human, and i need ways to regulate my nervous system back to a cozier state of equilibrium.

and if you’re like me: introverted, anxious, and easily overstimulated, i want to share things that have helped me. they’re simple but significant, forming a safety net of reminders that i’m safe.

(this post is free, but if you enjoy this newsletter, consider becoming a paid subscriber. every friday there’s a free weekly edit, and every sunday paid subscribers get a deep dive collection built around one very specific theme. this week’s theme is )

truly, your support means the world to me and it’s what gives me the capacity to write to you.

nyrb books

philosophy books

classic literature

gothic literature

(follow ig, tiktok, youtube, pinterest and spotify for more)

essentials for introverts

loop earplugs

these earplugs are my favorite weapon against panic attacks, anxiety, overstimulating commutes, overwhelming work environments, loud concerts, or anything else that could cause your brain to flip out.

loop engage decreases the volume of your surroundings just enough to make your life feels inhabitable again. you can still listen and participate in conversations, but the noise is softer. clattering grocery carts, employees screaming at you to step down in a trader joe’s with the line wrapped around the building, airplane noises, subway carts hissing and screeching, traffic noises and everything else that triggers you become softer. a hazy dreamier state of being and strange in between of feeling like you an participate in the world around you while being wrapped in a safety blanket of security.

i wear them on errands, walks, and even during work meetings when my nervous system feels raw.

if you want to try them, i use loop switch 2 and you can get 20% off with my code LOOPX-CAITLYN20.

emotional support books

sometimes a book is the only exit plan i have to a safer, dreamier space. i always carry one or two books on me at all times. usually a project book and and a book that lets me hide inside of the safety of another world. right now i’m trying to figure out my project books. i’m thinking about macbeth.

sometimes i’ll carry a magazine on my as my escapist book. print magazines forever, especially when you’re feeling too anxious to commit to a novel. if you live in nyc i highly recommend checking out casa magazine and iconic magazine.

hatch alarm clock

alarm clocks are violent, but hatch makes my morning feel more manageable. wake up slowly to light that mimics the sunrise. wake up to softer sounds, ambient music, a calming voice, or whatever you need to feel awake, but grounded. you can also adjust the lighting brightness and color to cater to what you need in the morning. i prefer forest sounds with gentle white light.

calm magnesium

(i’m not a doctor and i don’t want to encourage any use of supplements to anyone without the consent of your doctor—this is just something that helps me)

the best way i can describe calm is like coming home after a long day at work, taking an everything shower, wearing your most comfortable pajamas and snuggling under your favorite blanket while watching your comfort tv show eating a late night treat on the sofa.

ginger chews, sour candy, dark chocolate

my lifeline. even when 'i’m not feeling overstimulated or anxious, i enjoy these little treats. whenever i feel untethered to society, the spice of the ginger and bite from the sour candy wakes up my senses. dark chocolate ground me and it’s delicious.

fidget tools

sometimes i have so much energy and nowhere to put it. some of these fidget toys have different textures and some are clicky. they just give your hands something to do when your mind is racing.

journal

forever indebted to the pages of my journal. noises, conversations, anxieties, etc. sometimes i write a list or a single word. but it untangles my brain in a way that feels regulating. this is my favorite notebook to scribble in.

noise cancelling headphones

ambient music or a voice that steadies me. my brain can connect with art and sound and imaginary worlds. these are my favorite headphones.

ambient lighting

i’m sensitive to light in all forms. harsh white bright lights immediately trigger panic in my brain. ambient lighting, candle lit spaces, twinkle lights, a warm bulb casting hazy light over a stack of books.

a signature scent

the scent of skin and suddenly i’m back inside myself again. i’m not an aromatherapy gal, but there are oils i enjoy. a few from le labo and these uma oils. but i would rather perfume myself. this is one of my favorite comfort perfumes. i enjoy this one for something more light and fresh.

weighted blanket or heavy quilt

i also highly recommend warmies. they’re weighted studded animals that you can warm up in the microwave. perfect for period cramps or sore muscles. the pressure from a weighted blanket reminds your nervous system that you are held and safe.

calming rituals

a cup of tea. reading by candlelight until the words fade into dreams. a walk after rain. prioritize these small moments that give your body and mind a sense of rhythm. this is my favorite tea. i enjoy this tea so much.

boundaries

give yourself time to figure out what you want to say yes to. and more importantly, what to say no to.

i hope you enjoyed today’s letter. being a human is hard. being a introverted human in a big city is hard. but hopefully you can find things that make you feel safe.

in case you missed it, yesterday i wrote about how erotica liberates women more than romance ever could: the perfect sunday read for you.

let’s get into today’s letter…

i still remember the first time i walked into the frederic malle boutique on madison avenue. it was early autumn, that in-between season when the city feels newly awake but still a little warm to the touch. the doors opened into a world that smelled like velvet. every surface gleamed, lacquered red and black, and each perfume stood on the shelves like a small piece of art. there was no rush, no sales pitch. everything felt deliberate, as if each fragrance were part of a larger story, handled with the same care as cinema or literature.

the woman who helped me was french. impossibly chic and dressed in black. she spoke about perfume the way people talk about people they’ve loved: intimately and passionately. she asked who i wanted to be, not what i wanted to smell like. then she reached for portrait of a lady.

i can still feel the weight of that first spray, the way the air shifted into something unrecognizable. rose, patchouli, incense, something dark and carnal underneath. it wasn’t soft, but it demanded to be felt. it smelled like a woman who knows she’s being watched but doesn’t care. and for the rest of the day i kept lifting my wrist to my face, not to smell it, but to remember the version of myself it revealed. she told me to wear it for the rest of the day and come back tomorrow if i still loved it.

portrait of a lady wasn’t just the first perfume i ever truly loved. it was the first one that made me feel like a woman. and it was my gateway into the world of niche fragrance. it quickly became my signature scent, and every time i smell it, i think of that boutique and the girl i was then—entering a new chapter, unformed but certain that i was becoming someone i would one day recognize.

portrait of a lady as a threshold

i wore portrait of a lady almost every day that year in new york. i was living in a small apartment with thin walls and high hopes, maneuvering my way through the city’s rhythm instead of against it. and that perfume gave me gravity. it wrapped around me like armor, invisible but unmistakable, and i began to understand how scent could become a way of existing.

on cold mornings, i’d spray it before stepping out into the air that smelled of roasted chestnuts and car exhaust. its warmth followed me onto the subway, where strangers’ shoulders brushed against mine and the metal poles smelled faintly of skin. portrait cut through everything. the rose, sharp and assured, its patchouli, deep and unflinching.

that perfume taught me something about elegance that i hadn’t known yet. there was nothing passive about this fragrance. it was a scent that spoke in complete sentences and it smelled like the tension between intellect and desire. between knowing and wanting to be known.

i think every woman has a fragrance that serves as her initiation and marks her passage from imitation into authorship. for me, it was portrait. and it arrived at the same time as everything else: the city, the ambition, the solitude, the thrill of being anonymous, yet seen and understood.

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nyrb books

philosophy books

classic literature

gothic literature

the house of editions: frederic malle’s revolution

before frederic malle, perfumers were ghosts. their creations filled the shelves of department stores, yet their names were nowhere to be found, hidden behind branding and the illusion that perfume was something to be marketed rather than authored. when frederic malle founded éditions de parfums in 2000, he changed everything. he treated perfumers like writers. each fragrance was published under their name, like an act of creative and intellectual authorship.

the concept was simple but subversive: perfume as literature, the perfumer as novelist, the bottle as a first edition. malle called himself a “publisher of perfume,” and that phrasing was deliberate. he didn’t impose a house style or dictate trends. instead, he asked artists to create freely and to write in scent what they could never say in words.

dominique ropion wrote some of the house’s most iconic chapters: portrait of a lady, carnal flower, vetiver extraordinaire. his work has a precision that feels architectural. bold, mathematical, but always human. promise feels like his most private composition, all tension and restraint, a fragrance built on the idea of honor and temptation existing side by side. ropion once said that balance is not the absence of excess, but the mastery of it, and that’s exactly what portrait smells like.

maurice roucel gave us musc ravageur, a scent that rewrote the rules of seduction. when it debuted, it was called “pornographic” by critics; malle called it honest. a perfume that doesn’t pretend to behave.

olivia giacobetti, the poet of the house, composed en passant. a delicate watercolor of lilacs, rain, and solitude. her work feels like breathing. the opposite of spectacle. it’s transparent, aching, full of memory.

iris poudre is another scent that revealed the house’s deeper soul. it was balance between intellect and sensuality that defined frederic malle. composed by pierre bourdon, it’s a study in restraint: aldehydes and iris and musk wrapped in the texture of powdered silk. it smells like lipstick on gloves, like a woman who has lived several lives and remembers them all.

what frederic malle created was not just a brand, but a canon. each perfume is a story written in skin. together, they form a library that blurs the line between beauty and thought, between seduction and sincerity.

catherine deneuve and the malle woman

when people talk about the frederic malle woman, they often mention catherine deneuve. she embodies that impossible balance between discipline and desire, between stillness and power. in belle de jour, repulsion, and the hunger, she is both untouchable and vulnerable, always carrying something unsaid behind her gaze. her beauty isn’t about sweetness; it’s about mystery, control, and the art of knowing exactly when to withhold.

it feels fitting that deneuve loves perfumes from the house of frederic malle. carnal flower, lipstick rose, iris poudre. each one a study in contradiction. carnal flower is lush and photorealistic, a tuberose that feels alive, humid, intoxicating. it smells like heat under silk, like skin lit from within. lipstick rose is cinematic nostalgia, the scent of powder and wax, old hollywood, and laughter in a dressing room mirror. and iris poudre is elegance made flesh, its power unfolds slowly like a monologue delivered under dim light.

the women who wear frederic malle are not coquettes or ingénues. they are women who understand themselves and women who can occupy silence. there is nothing tentative about these perfumes. they ask you to meet them fully. they carry that same paradox that defines deneuve: softness with structure, sensuality with intellect.

to be a frederic malle woman is to live in deliberate contradiction. to move through the world with restraint but never passivity, and to be fully aware of your own presence and its effect on others.

sometimes i think of that french woman in the boutique and realize she was the first frederic malle woman i ever met. she taught me that perfume, when done right, is not about decoration. it’s about declaring a part of you that demands to be understood while still maintaining your mystery.

perfume as erotica, perfume as memory

perfume, cinema, and literature have always been telling the same story where desire is disguised as art. they all depend on suggestion and on what’s withheld. the camera cuts away, the sentence stops short, the perfume fades just before you can put a name to it. frederic malle belongs to that lineage. his world isn’t about beauty alone, it’s about how beauty behaves when it’s being watched.

anais nin once wrote that to write erotica is to confess without confession and expose the self through imagination. perfume does the same thing. it reveals what we’re willing to be, and what we still hide. a person’s scent can feel more intimate than their voice. it carries what language often edits out.

to wear perfume in this sense is to create a tension between distance and closeness. you want to be noticed, but not understood completely. that’s the erotic core of it. the idea that pleasure lives in the space between proximity and mystery.

nin’s women lived in that space. they were curious about their own desire, not ashamed of it. they studied it, shaped it, wrote it down. and that’s what frederic malle’s world feels like to me. the intellectualization of desire. where perfume that doesn’t just decorate the body, but contemplates it and asks what it means to be looked at, remembered, wanted.

erotica and perfume share a discipline. both require control. too much and the spell breaks. too little and there’s nothing to chase. the most beautiful part is what’s left unsaid, the note that never arrives or the line that ends too soon.

the house of devotion: my favorites

each frederic malle fragrance feels like a room i’ve lived in. they’re all different versions of the same woman, the same story told in new light. some days i want to be quiet and disappear into something transparent. other days i want to feel impossible to ignore. the house gives me both.

portrait of a lady will always be my signature. it’s the scent that feels closest to my skin and the version of myself that feels complete. i wear it when i want to remember who i am and when i need to feel composed and certain. it’s my constant. the one that belongs to every season and every version of me.

carnal flower marks the spring and summer months. this is a feral, filthy tuberose and absolutely intoxicating to anyone who steps inside your scent cloud. it’s heat and humidity and pulse. a perfume that lives on the edge of restraint. i wear it when i want to feel unafraid of my own body, when i want to remember that desire is power and pleasure.

musc ravageur belongs to autumn and winter and to the part of me that wants to feel desire as something private and deliberate. this one is so sexy and sensual it’s addictive. it’s the scent i wear when the air turns colder and everything slows down. it feels like warmth held close, like something only meant to be known by one person.

iris poudre reminds me of the gloomy rain-soaked days between winter and spring. the kind of days that make you nostalgic for things that haven’t even happened yet. it feels introspective and melancholic, like thinking too much but not minding it.

en passant is what I reach for when I don’t want to think. it’s the perfume that asks for nothing, that moves with me quietly. i wear it when i want to feel clean, calm, uncomplicated.

i also love the hair mists: portrait, carnal, musc ravageur. they make everything softer and more diffused, like perfume as aura instead of statement. the iris hand cream is my comfort scent. it’s what i wear before bed, when i want to feel calm and human again. and the gardenia candle reminds me of my grandmother and the mahogany candle that makes the colder months feel bearable.

the letter of gratitude

sometimes i think my entire understanding of beauty began the moment i stepped into that boutique on madison avenue. everything that’s come since, my deep love for cinema and literature, and for the rituals that make a life feel artful, can be traced back to that afternoon, to the voice of a french woman asking me who i wanted to be.

frederic malle made me understand that perfume is not an accessory. it is memory, language, presence and the way a person says, this is who i am, without speaking.

okay, that’s all for today.

i love you.

bye.

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if you’re curious about sampling you can use my link at scent split for a discount on all samples and full size bottles

for my cinephiles, you can get 30 days free at mubi.com/milkfed. no strings, just beautifully curated cinema. available in the united states and wherever MUBI streams.

romance novels comfort women by domesticating desire. erotica empowers them by confronting it.

romance tells women they can be loved if they’re good, but erotica tells them they can be wanted even when they’re not. where romance often ends with resolution, marriage, safety, closure, erotica lingers in the tension itself and in doing so, it reclaims female sexuality as complex, unconfined, and self authored.

romance has always been the literature of safety because it promises emotional resolution, tidy arcs, the reassurance that if you suffer long enough, love will make it worth it. even when romance claims to be subversive with queer love stories, feminist retellings, and diverse casts, the structure rarely changes. the reward is still closure.

i read an article in book riot recently that spoke about the politics of romance novels. the genre has long been one of the few spaces where women’s happiness and autonomy are taken seriously, and where emotional labor and consent are given narrative weight. but the politics of romance often end where safety begins. it soothes. it teaches women that fulfillment arrives when desire is resolved and when longing is finally made legible through love.

erotica does something else. it lingers in the friction and shame. it’s nestled into the parts of desire that can’t be explained or excused. writers like anaïs nin understood this instinctively. delta of venus didn’t moralize sex or package it as empowerment. it treated pleasure as philosophy. an attempt to write the interior life of women without censorship or the soft lighting of romance.

what makes erotica radical is not the sex, it’s the honesty. it allows women to name what they want without having to redeem it. romance tells women that love will save them. erotica suggests they might save themselves through desire and curiosity. and that’s what makes it ethical, even when it’s transgressive. it’s the literature that lets women be whole.

the rest of this post is for paid subscribers… we talk about how erotica became feminist philosophy, why anaïs nin still matters, the politics of pleasure, and i’m giving you a list of all the literary erotica books that belong on your bookshelf.

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i think i have reverse seasonal depression disorder.

contrary to most, i’m someone who enjoys when the sun sets at 4pm. i enjoy when it’s so cold outside you can feel it in your bones. cloudy days, stormy weather, rain all day—it makes me feel alive again. or maybe i’m just a whore for melancholy.

i know i am the anomaly. for most people, this time of year is heavy, claustrophobic, suffocating. the long nights stretch out too far, the days feel cut short, and it’s easy to believe that joy has been put on pause until spring returns. i’ve heard people describe the season like a tunnel: something to endure rather than inhabit. and i do understand. the dark can feel lonely when you’re not sure what to do with it.

i guess that’s why i’m writing this. not to convince you to love the cold and gloom the way i do, but to show you that colder months carry a warmth if you know how to make it. this is a survival guide for when the sun sets too soon, some practices to soften the edges of your evenings. think of it as a way to romanticize the hours most people dread and see them not as an absence of light but as an invitation to live differently: slower, cozier, more deliberately.

the rest of this essay is for paid subscribers, where i share my full winter curriculum and the daily rituals that make the darker months feel structured and intentional.

truly, your support means the world to me and it’s what gives me the capacity to write to you.

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