anxiety + panic attacks and a belated june wishlist

Hello.

I sat down to write to you, but lately it’s been difficult as I’ve been dealing with debilitating anxiety. To give you context, I had to go to the ER the other night because my heart was palpitating so bad I thought I was going into cardiac arrest. It’s hard to breathe these days and everything feels so heavy. I’m certain that the majority of this anxiety metastasized into what it is today due to getting laid off. I began to soul search and strategize and plan my next move, but truthfully, it only made things worse since I have no fucking clue what I’m doing or what I want in life anymore and when I try to envision my future, it looks ominous.

I’ve been playing around with ideas and I’ve mapped out what it would take it get to each potential destination, but jesus christ, it’s scary to dive into the abyss of the unknown when you decide to change your career.

I’m smart and capable and worthy of doing something meaningful in my life and it’s exhausting when you’re interviewing for corporate jobs (that mean nothing to you or the people who work there) only to get ghosted and rejected. I’m certain I’m not the only one struggling with this and it only fuels my fire to start something new and shift gears into a career that feels hopeful and fulfilling.

I digress…

I need a dog.

I’m one mental breakdown away from rescuing a golden retriever to heal my soul (every black cat needs her golden retriever you see).

It apparent that we’re almost at the end of June, but I saw this post in my drafts and wanted to share. Something a little more light hearted after reading the shit show above you. Here’s this month’s wishlist full of things I can’t buy until I get my big girl job again.

June wishlist:

-piglet in bed beige gingham bedding: this collection is so cozy and this brand creates the coziest most beautiful bedding. I can’t wait to get my hands on this and make my room feel even cozier.

-Debbie mumm stickers and other vintage stickers for scrapbooking: I’m trying to find ways to get off the screen. When I was a little girl, my mom and I could scrapbook together. She had an entire room dedicated to scrapbook supplies and crafts. I’ve been craving nostalgia and I’m trying to find vintage Debbie Mumm and Susie Zoo stickers- similar to the one’s I had growing up.

-cozy reading chair/ daybed from six penny (or something similar): I’ve had my eye on this one from Six Penny, but I’m open to hearing suggestions if you know of a better reading chair. Something big and cozy

-Salomon sneakers : I don’t know anything about them, I’ve just heard great things and I want to try them. I’m a hoka girl, but this looks like a cute change of pace and they look comfortable which I need because I walk a lot.

-pottery classes at happy medium: speaking of ways to get off the screen… happy medium is one of my favorite places in nyc. I’ve been wanting to try their figure drawing and potter classes.

-sofia coppola x augustinus bader lip balm: if sofia soppola made it, I want it.

-jstor subscription: I bought this for myself and got a hat. I get compliments every time I wear it and it makes me want to break out of my introverted shell and talk to the people who compliment me about Jstor articles, but I opt out and just say thank you and get on my merry way.

-molekule humidifier : don’t you dare fucking buy this $350 air purifier. this is an unrealistic gluttonous wishlist item. Get a canopy instead.

-tekla shorts and robe: another unnecessary item I’ve been eyeing for a very long time. I’m not sure why I’m so drawn to this. I don’t ever wear bathrobes nor do I wear boxer shorts.

-bianco latte fragrance : yes, I know everyone has this and is raving about it, and as a fragrance whore, I would like to get my hands on it and see how my skin likes it.

-moon lists journal: idk this is really cute.

-maileg plush kitty: another cute plushy that I need.

-canal house cookbooks: but I want vintage used ones and I need the whole set.

-really good health insurance + dental + vision

-a dog

-a cat

-a million+ dollars

Okay, that’s all for today. I love you all.

Bye <3