love letter to chappell roan and the queer experience
Hello.
Chappell Roan’s music defines the queer experience in the most cunty girly pop pink fairy princess sort of way. And I love it.
Let me tell you why…
But first, a little intro. Chappell Roan, originally from Willard, Missouri, where she grew up Kayleigh Rose Amstutz, had a rather conventional Midwestern upbringing before catapulting into the pop music limelight. Her small-town roots and the traditional values surrounding her during her formative years play a significant role in the authenticity and depth of her music. Roan's journey from singing in church choirs to navigating the complexities of her identity in such an environment adds a poignant layer to her music, making her story and struggles relatable to many who feel confined by their beginnings. This background enriches her narrative, highlighting the contrast between her origins and the bold, unapologetic figure she has become.
Her rise in pop music has struck a chord, particularly with the queer community, for her honest portrayal of her own experiences with love and identity. Her candidness in sharing her journey and struggles, especially through her soulful music, has turned her into a beacon for others navigating their own paths. She not only sings about the highs and lows of her life but also embodies the courage to live authentically, making her an inspiration for many looking for their own voice.
I've always struggled with my sexuality, never quite fitting into any of the distinct identities within the queer community, despite being queer myself. I’ve never had a community or people in my family who I could talk openly about this with. And I write this because whenever I read literature or listen to music that makes me feel understood, I finally feel like I can breathe again. For example, if I’m trying to serve cunt for breakfast or pre game for an event or if I want to get hyped, I’m playing Chappell extremely loud in my headphones. If I’m feeling sad-girl melancholic and I want to wallow, I’m playing Adrianne Lenker. Books like Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson or Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin strike a deep chord in my soul. And I’ve clung to these anchors as I’ve grown more curious and intentional in this pursuit of understanding where I fit in this world. While some find solace and clarity in defining their sexuality with specific labels, others embrace the freedom and fluidity of not adhering to any prescribed categories.
This fucks me up.
When you’re raised with the narrative that you’re only allowed to live life one way, it’s paralyzing and suffocating when you’re feelings tell you otherwise.
One of the things I experienced from my family was this huge love and admiration for queer pop culture, but when it came down to being an ally or supporting a family member who was queer, they wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. It never made any sense why my mom loved Prince and David Bowie and loved watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but anytime I ever sparked the conversation about sexuality she would say things like, “Being gay isn’t real”, or “People just go through phases”. One time I even asked her what she would do if my brother was gay and she said, “He’s not and if it was, I would be disappointed”. Then she went on a tangent about how god hates the gays. Like, okay mom, I’m going to permanently table this conversation. And actually god fucking loves the gays. SHE MADE THE GAYS.
I still grapple with all the terms and identities and rules within the queer community as I’ve spent most of my life on the outside looking in, too afraid to say the wrong thing while also feeling like a fraud. It still feels fraudulent. I look back at every crush and every secret romantic relationship I’ve ever had and still can’t convince myself to believe that it was real. Asexual, pansexual, lesbian, etc - all these words feel like a cage, but they also feel like a home- a place of comfort and community. And it’s been easy for me to bury these feelings as I’ve intentionally stayed single over the past decade (yes… I know), but every so often, especially recently, they come to the surface and I’m left questioning where I fit in this world. I blame you, Chappell <3
As I’ve gotten older, I slowly feel myself entering into a “life is way too short to let petty shit get in the way of your happiness and you deserve a life that makes you excited to wake up in the morning and you’re worthy and deserving of love” era. But jesus christ why did it take almost 3 decades to get here?
The bridge from Good Luck, Babe is trending on Tiktok and watching all of these women (including myself) go absolutely feral for these lyrics brings me so much joy. Like these. And look at Chappell dancing around in her butterfly wings!!!! No matter what aesthetic you gravitate towards or what genre of music you typically listen to, I think all of us who identify as queer have a deep, profound love for Chappell and this banger of an album. I think I would cry if I saw her perform live. Can you imagine being surrounded by the energy in the audience? Even watching them online gives me goosebumps- it’s palpable.
So to wrap this up- the point of this newsletter is to share a music rec that will spark insurmountable joy during your day… and also share a very short tidbit about how lonesome it has been navigating the queer experience and vocalizing these things out loud for the first time- dipping my pinky toe into pool if you will. Phew.
See you tomorrow.
Bye <3
THANK YOU for being so open and vulnerable in this piece 💕
i felt this in my bonesssss! thank you for writing! and here’s to being fluid whatever-we-want-to-be queers who cherish every chance we get to figure ourselves out ❤️