dostoevsky, dark academia, and eldest daughter syndrome

hello.

this is from a note i posted several weeks ago that i’m expanding on today due to the volume of people, including myself, who felt particularly draw to its profoundness.

for purpose driven people, particularly embarking on life long academic pursuits, there is something viscerally fulfilling about being on track to achieving your goals. it wasn’t until i had to hit the breaks hard on my own academic pursuit (and then come back to it a few years later) to realize how much misery and pain this pause had inflicted on my self worth and more importantly, how it impacted the way interacted with the world around me. this then led to an ominous overwhelming wave of fear that it might be too late.

during my undergrad years, i felt a surge of pride after receiving praise and validation from the people in my life who i looked up to- my grandfather, professors, mentors, etc. i felt proud of myself for defying stereotypes that were inflicted upon me during my teen and young adult years. but there was a level of growth and maturity that needed to take place within myself before i could have succeeded academically. i was too immature and stubborn realize how important it was to take a step back to handle the things in my life that needed to take priority over school. and it screwed me.

so bringing this back to dostoevsky’s quote and dark academia and eldest daughter syndrome… there’s a certain level of masochism and ego that drives high achieving people forward in reaching their pinnacle of success. not everyone feels the need to dedicate their entire life to academia or a career that requires a life long dedication to learning. and that’s okay. what i’m talking about today is the bitterness and anger and disappointment one feels when you walk away from a dream prematurely, and in some cases, you don’t have a choice, and it gets ripped away from you. maybe you have a dream and you don’t have the resources to pursue it (a very real scenario that happens more frequently that you think because going to university is a privilege - something i’ve mentioned in previous newsletters several times). earlier this year, i was almost certain that i would never have the opportunity to go back to school again and there’s no way i could write this letter to you had i not been given another chance, because the pain of putting my dreams to bed was too overwhelming to write about. if you’re currently experiencing these feelings of misery and anger, i urge you to go back to the drawing board. take the entire week or longer to map out every single possible option you have to pursue your goals. finances are a huge obstacle for many people, myself included. talk to family. research different loan options and grants. talk to mentors, advisors, and other people who can help, and if they can’t, maybe they can point you in the direction to someone who can. if it’s emotional hurdles you’re struggling with, go to therapy, lean on mentors, talk to someone who is currently working your dream job and ask them for advice. i’m not sure what your specific road blocks are, but i encourage you to brain storm ways to take one step closer to your goal(s). you might have to take the road less traveled and create a non-linear pathway, but in many cases, there are ways to make this happen for yourself. i would encourage you to find creators online who you look up to and try and find people who are open to sharing their insights and advice. (make sure you find legit, honest, genuine creators as this can be a bit of a slippery slope)

i know i’m not the only one who has felt this way, and i’m convinced that a lot of these emotions i’ve spoken about today are one of the many reasons dark academia aesthetic gained so much popularity over the years. academia is a bit of an obsession. for people like me who will probably be “married to their career” by choice understand these feelings of overwhelming gratitude and hope and (a little bit of pride). but there’s a lot of nuance that often gets brushed under the rug in this world.

before we get into the romanticization of this aesthetic… there are a lot of thing wrong with dark academia that need to be addressed. i’ve noticed over the years as its gained popularity, there has hardly been any diversity or inclusivity within the realm of this aesthetic, which is a huge problem. the historical and literary focus draws from western literature and art which center around european and american figures, marginalizing non-western cultures and experiences. there’s also a lack of representation within others subjects of studies. stem, for example, is a field i’m currently pursuing, and there’s hardly any stem representation in dark academia aesthetics. when it comes to visual aesthetic, it’s characterized by dark, moody tones, vintage clothing, and academic settings, which is stunning to look at, but it perpetuates a specific socio-economic image that doesn’t represent diverse background (because education is a privilege - which is a huge problem in and of itself). the representation in media features are predominantly white characters and creators, contributing a lack of representation and inclusivity. authors and other creators who decide to integrate this aesthetic into their work need to be actively working to dismantle the exclusivity that is inherent in its traditional portrayals.

when it comes to romanticizing dark academia, there’s a level of intellectual engagement within a community of people enduring a life long pursuit of knowledge. it fosters a love for learning and encourages deep thinking. obviously, the atmospheric mood provides a compelling backdrop for stories and discussion. there’s a level of inspiration that is palpable within the realms of this aesthetic. but again, the exclusivity, neglect of practicality, the cultural and historical insensitivity makes this world difficult to fully indulge it. my hope is that people can engage in this aesthetic with a more nuanced approach by acknowledging diversity, addressing real issues present in academic life, and making this world more accessible to a broader audience.

there are several dark academia books i’ve read that have approached this aesthetic through a diverse lens (which i’m including below). so i decided that i’m going to create a mini master list of dark academia things for you to indulge in if you’re into this aesthetic.

books:

• babel by r.f. kuang
  in a world where linguistic power shapes reality, a young scholar confronts the dark side of imperialism and academic ambition. the novel blends historical fantasy with a sharp critique of colonialism and academia.

• the atlas six by olivie blake
  six magical students vie for a coveted spot in an elite society while navigating hidden agendas and moral dilemmas. this dark academia tale combines rich world-building with a suspenseful, character-driven plot.

• the secret history by donna tartt
  a group of classical studies students becomes entangled in a murder that tests their intellectual and moral boundaries. the novel is a compelling exploration of the consequences of intellectual hubris and secrecy.

• frankenstein by mary shelley
  a scientist's quest to create life leads to monstrous consequences and a haunting exploration of creation and responsibility. shelley's classic novel raises profound questions about humanity and the ethical limits of scientific pursuit.

• carmilla by sheridan le fanu
  an early vampire tale that delves into the dark and seductive relationship between a young woman and a mysterious visitor. le fanu’s novella intertwines gothic horror with themes of forbidden desire.

• harry potter by j.k. rowling
  a young wizard discovers his magical heritage and faces dark forces threatening the wizarding world. rowling's beloved series combines whimsy with a coming-of-age story set in a richly imagined magical universe.

• bunny by mona awad
  a graduate student is drawn into a bizarre and sinister clique of wealthy classmates. the novel blends dark humor with psychological horror, exploring themes of identity and social exclusion.

• jane eyre by charlotte bronte
  a resilient orphan becomes a governess and finds love, but must confront dark secrets and societal constraints. bronte's classic novel is a profound exploration of personal integrity and moral fortitude.

• possession by a.s. byatt
  two modern scholars unravel a historical romance between two victorian poets, uncovering secrets that reshape their lives. byatt’s novel combines literary mystery with a deep dive into the nature of love and scholarship.

• crime and punishment by fyodor dostoevsky
  a tormented student grapples with guilt and morality after committing a murder, leading to psychological and philosophical turmoil. dostoevsky's novel is a profound investigation into crime, redemption, and human nature.

• demons by fyodor dostoevsky
  a revolutionary group plots a political upheaval, revealing the destructive power of ideological extremism. dostoevsky’s work explores the dark undercurrents of political radicalism and moral decay.

• if we were villains by m. l. rio
  a group of drama students becomes entangled in a real-life tragedy mirroring their shakespearean performances. this novel combines a classic dark academia setting with a gripping murder mystery.

• songs of achilles by madeline miller
  a retelling of the iliad from the perspective of patroclus, exploring his deep bond with achilles and the impact of their fates. miller’s novel blends lush prose with a poignant exploration of love and heroism.

• the starless sea by erin morgenstern
  a young man discovers a magical underground world through a mysterious book, leading him into a labyrinth of stories and secrets. morgenstern’s novel is a mesmerizing blend of fantasy and literary adventure.

• ninth house by leigh bardugo
  a troubled young woman is recruited to investigate the dark secrets of elite occult societies at yale. bardugo’s novel combines dark academia with supernatural elements and a gripping mystery.

• dracula by bram stoker
  count dracula's attempt to move from transylvania to england unleashes a reign of terror, as a group of people band together to stop him. stoker's gothic classic is a chilling exploration of fear, desire, and the supernatural.

• vita nostra by marina dyachenko
  a girl is drawn into a mysterious and challenging university where the nature of reality and magic intertwine. the novel combines dark fantasy with a gripping exploration of personal transformation and power.

• the odyssey by homer
  the epic tale of odysseus's ten-year journey home after the trojan war, facing gods, monsters, and temptations. homer’s work is a foundational myth exploring heroism, perseverance, and the search for home.

• the goldfinch by donna tartt
  a boy's life is changed forever when he survives a terrorist attack at an art museum and steals a priceless painting. tartt’s novel is a sweeping story of loss, beauty, and the search for meaning.

• the invisible life of addie larue by v.e. schwab
  a woman cursed to be forgotten by everyone she meets navigates centuries of loneliness and loss until she encounters someone who remembers her. schwab’s novel weaves a rich tapestry of magic, love, and the quest for identity.

• brideshead revisited by evelyn waugh
  the novel follows the complex friendship between a young man and an aristocratic family, exploring themes of faith, decadence, and the impact of social change. waugh’s work is a richly textured exploration of class and religion in 20th-century britain.

• the maidens by alex michaelides
  a psychological thriller centered on a group of students at an elite university, where a grieving therapist investigates a series of murders linked to a charismatic professor. michaelides' novel blends dark academia with suspense and twists.

• my dark vanessa by kate elizabeth russell
  the novel tells the story of a young woman reflecting on a troubling relationship with her former teacher, exploring themes of trauma, manipulation, and the complexities of consent. russell’s work provides a harrowing and nuanced look at the lasting impact of abuse.

• the picture of dorian gray by oscar wilde
  a young man’s portrait ages while he remains youthful, reflecting the moral corruption and decadence of his life. wilde’s novel is a sharp critique of vanity and the consequences of a hedonistic pursuit of pleasure. (more oscar wilde here)

• dead poets society by n.h. kleinbaum
  an inspiring teacher challenges his students to seize the day and follow their passions, sparking a profound transformation. kleinbaum’s novel is a tribute to the power of teaching and the quest for self-discovery.

(more gothic lit books if you’re like me and love dark literature)

fragrance:

-l’eau papier by diptyque: musk, sesame, mimosa, wood (highly recommend the perfume solid as well)

-orpheon by diptyque: notes: juniper, jasmine, cedar, tonka (highly recommend the body wash)

-whispers in the library by maison margiela: notes:vanilla, wood, cedar, pepper

-portrait of a lady by frederic malle: notes: rose, clove, raspberry, sandalwood, musk, benzoin, amber, cedar, vanilla, ambergris

-the noir 29 by le labo: fig, bay leaf, bergamot, cedar, vetiver, musk, tobacco, hay

-falling trees by regime des fleurs: oak, juniper, benzoin, myrrh, incense, moss

-1996 by byredo: notes: juniper, iris, voilet, amber, leather, patchouli

-bibliotque by byredo: plum, peach, violet, leather, vanilla. patchouli, musk

-molecule 01 by escentric molecules: notes: iso e super

-love and crime by ex idolo: blood mandarin, pink pepper, sugar, star anise, vanilla, cacao

-unknown pleasures by kerosene: lemon, caramel, earl grey, vanilla, honey, tonka

-tahota by indult: notes: vanilla, musk

-santal massioa by hermes: notes: sandalwood, massioa, milk, dried fruits, sugar

candles:

-byredo: peyote poem, bibliotheque, altar

-diptyque: l’papier, encre*

-trudon: mary (this candle was inspired by mary shelley and it’s my favorite trudon candle. notes: ceder, gaiac wood, patchouli, papyrus)

-maison margiela: by the fireplace,

-otherland: cardamom milk

-anthropologie: caramel apple cinnamon, sweet cinnamon vanilla, pumpkin soufflé, oatmeal cookie*, pumpkin and sweet vanilla*

misc:

-crow candle holder

-grecian bust table lamp

-grecian bust pot and bottle holder

films and tv shows:

-here is a list of dark academia films to watch

-for tv shows: wednesday, succession, peaky blinders, killing eve, the chilling adventures of sabrina

music:

-classial music: i’ve created several playlists for you here, here, and here

-jazz music

-indie angst

lastly, a pretentious activity list…

• reading classic literature, philosophical texts, and historical essays in dimly lit spaces

• exploring and studying literature, art, and history from diverse cultures and backgrounds, promoting a broader understanding of global perspectives

• attending or organizing intellectual debates, scholarly lectures, and academic symposiums

• hosting or attending events that highlight and support marginalized communities, such as cultural festivals, panels, and advocacy workshops

• creating and sharing art, writing, and research that reflects a range of experiences and identities, promoting representation and inclusivity

• hosting extravagant gatherings, themed parties, and immersive experiences that celebrate indulgence, intellectual discussion, and artistic expression in a decadent, bacchanalian style

• writing and critiquing poetry, academic essays, and personal reflections on existential themes

• participating in book clubs and discussion groups focused on classic and obscure texts

• exploring and studying historic libraries, rare book collections, and ancient manuscripts

• collaborating on interdisciplinary projects that integrate different fields of study and diverse viewpoints, encouraging creative problem-solving and innovation

• dressing in vintage, academic-inspired attire such as blazers, tweed jackets, and long skirts

• visiting art galleries, museums, and historical sites to gain inspiration from classical and gothic art

• studying and translating ancient languages, historical documents, and forgotten texts

• engaging in deep, contemplative journaling and philosophical musings about life and identity

• hosting or attending themed gatherings, soirées, and masquerades with a scholarly or gothic twist

• conducting independent research or academic projects on niche topics and presenting findings in formal settings

• enjoying classical music performances, period films, and theatrical productions with a dark, atmospheric quality

• participating in or organizing theatrical performances, drama clubs, and creative writing workshops

• attending academic conferences, seminars, and workshops to delve into specialized areas of study and scholarship

• exploring gothic or historic architecture, old university campuses, and ancient ruins for inspiration and reflection

• conducting science experiments and research in a meticulously organized lab or study environment

• participating in coding challenges, mathematical problem-solving sessions, and data analysis projects

• attending or organizing stem talks, workshops, and symposiums on cutting-edge technology and research

• exploring the intersection of science and literature through academic papers and interdisciplinary studies

i’d love to write more, but in the spirit of today’s post and for the rest of my life… i can’t, i have to study.

if you’re not ready to become a paid subscriber and you have the capacity to leave a tip, that would be so appreciated. 

i love you.

bye.

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