falling in love with your best friend (and books and films that embody that feeling)
hello.
no one prepares you for the heartbreak that comes with unrequited love from your best friend.
i’m certain many of us have shared experiences whether from high school or our adult lives where the bittersweet lusting and longing for your person exceeds beyond platonic and you’re left with a decision. a gnawing ache metastasizes as you replay memories of late night talks, comforting silences, sleepovers, and a camera roll full of inside jokes and irreplaceable moments spent together.
inevitably, a conversations happens, feelings are expressed- a kind of love that’s both beautiful and agonizing, suspended between two possibilities: the chance of something deeper or the loss of something you hold dear to your heart. there becomes an invisible weight between the two of you and sometimes, you’re left feeling both love and loss in tandem- the hardest part of letting go.
if you’re queer, this heartache can feel even more layered—there’s the added weight of navigating whether they’re open to seeing you in the way you see them, and an unspoken tension in what could happen if they don’t.
there’s a particular kind of loneliness in being queer and loving a friend not knowing if their feelings are reciprocated. it’s a quiet isolation being on the outside of something you desperately want to be part of. society already tells you that your love is different as we live in a world where heteronormativity still dominates. we learn to carry that weight, to find joy in the connection we do have and to keep loving even when the love is quiet, unspoken, or impossible.
as we approach the cozier months, i’ve noticed that many of us (introverts), crave intimacy and connection with the people who make us feel safe. forget familial or societal pressures, there’s something in the air of november and december that creates a new sense of longing to be held, to be loved- to have your person to celebrate and commiserate with.
you’re not alone. and this is coming from the most introverted person i know.
while this letter doesn’t hold the answers to your love conundrums, my hope is that it can provide you with a sense of comfort in feeling understood. i do want to provide you with some books and films that encapsulate these feelings of longing and confusion and lust and desire.
books:
the gilda stories by jewelle gomez – this queer vampire novel is a unique blend of speculative fiction and emotional intimacy, following gilda, a black lesbian vampire, as she navigates centuries of history. what starts as survival and self-discovery evolves into deep connections with those she meets, exploring themes of love, friendship, and the quest for belonging. it's beautifully written, weaving together themes of identity and transformation, making it so much more than just a vampire story. gomez creates a world where love and desire, particularly within queer relationships, exist beyond time and space.
notes of a crocodile by qiu miaojin – this novel, set in 1990s taiwan, explores a group of queer misfits and their intense relationships with one another. the narrator, lazi, falls deeply for her best friend, but the love is tangled in confusion, self-doubt, and identity struggles. it's a raw, emotional look at unrequited love, longing, and the complexity of loving someone who might never fully understand you.
last words from montmartre by qiu miaojin – written in a series of letters, this book feels like an intimate confessional, where the narrator reflects on their intense, heartbreaking relationship with a former lover who was also a close friend. it's about love, loss, and the desperation of trying to communicate your deepest feelings to someone who has already left. the prose is poetic, capturing the depth of unspoken love and the tragedy of losing both a friend and a lover.
giovanni’s room by james baldwin – set in 1950s paris, this novel tells the story of david, a man grappling with his feelings for giovanni, a man he falls in love with while already engaged to a woman. david and giovanni’s relationship begins as a deep friendship but becomes something far more complicated, steeped in shame, fear, and longing. the novel beautifully explores the pain of denying love, especially when it comes from your closest friend.
normal people by sally rooney – this novel follows marianne and connell, two irish teenagers whose friendship evolves into a complicated and often painful love story. they’re best friends who can’t quite let go of each other, even when their lives pull them apart. rooney masterfully captures how love can be intertwined with friendship, with a constant push-pull between desire and emotional intimacy, yet also a fear of ruining what they have.
the price of salt (carol) by patricia highsmith – therese, a young woman working in a department store, falls in love with carol, an older woman going through a divorce. what begins as a friendship quickly becomes a passionate affair. the book explores the thrill and uncertainty of falling in love with someone who starts out as a friend, especially when society views your love as forbidden. it’s tender, atmospheric, and revolutionary in its depiction of queer love.
call me by your name by andré aciman – set during a sun-soaked summer in italy, this novel explores the intense friendship between seventeen-year-old elio and his family’s summer guest, oliver. their connection begins as a deep intellectual friendship but slowly morphs into something more intense and passionate. aciman beautifully captures the confusion, excitement, and bittersweetness of falling in love with a best friend, where every look and touch holds deeper meaning.
milk fed by melissa broder – this novel dives into the complicated relationship between food, love, and body image, centered on rachel, a young woman with an obsessive relationship with dieting and control. when she meets miriam, a vibrant, curvaceous woman working at a frozen yogurt shop, their friendship quickly becomes an intense, sensual exploration of desire and hunger—both literal and emotional. rachel's initial fascination with miriam starts as friendship, but as they grow closer, rachel begins to question her rigid sense of control and the boundaries of her feelings.
maurice by e.m. forster – this novel, written in the early 20th century, follows maurice hall as he falls in love with his best friend, clive, while navigating the social expectations of the time. clive is unable to return maurice’s romantic feelings, which leads to years of heartache. forster’s exploration of unrequited love between friends is both heartbreaking and hopeful, as maurice eventually finds love with another man, but the emotional intensity of his friendship with clive lingers.
oranges are not the only fruit by jeanette winterson – this semi-autobiographical novel follows jeanette, a young girl growing up in a strict religious household who develops romantic feelings for her best friend, melanie. the novel explores the conflict between her religious upbringing and her burgeoning queer identity, as well as the confusion and joy of falling in love with someone who is both your confidante and your first love. winterson’s writing is sharp and full of emotional nuance.
films:
blue is the warmest color (2013)
portrait of a lady on fire (2019)
the handmaiden (2016)
the dreamers (2003)
before sunrise (1995)
lost in translation (2003)
her (2013)
normal people (2020)
y tu mama tambien (2001)
okay that’s all for today.
if you’re not ready to become a paid subscriber and you have the capacity to leave a tip, that would be so appreciated.
i love you.
bye.
I have never related to something more 😭
I really felt that as a lesbian... bit I will never know if my live is unrequited bc I would never risk a friendship and tell them haha it's stupid ik but thanks for the recs <3