feeling lost in your thirties

Jun 14, 2024

Hello.

As an extremist, I’ve spent the majority of my life fanaticizing over two dreams: a neurosurgeon or a simple life in New England living with my lover and our young children, two dogs, and cat. We have a backyard with chickens and baby ducks and a fruitful garden. We have neighbors who we adore and they come over frequently for dinner. I bake pie and watch my children run around the house with an abundance of youthful spirited energy- a comforting chaos. I drink earl grey tea in the morning with milk and honey and write to you and I spend the weekends writing a cookbook with my closest girlfriends. There’s always jazz music on in the background and I wear vintage nightgowns to bed and have a timeless classic wardrobe to choose from in the morning before I start my day. I work a remote high-paying job and it’s not exciting. It’s mundane and unfulfilling, but I’m good at it and it gives me the freedom to find purpose and joy outside of work like in motherhood and writing and baking and doing things that bring me insurmountable joy. I’m also Ina Garten’s best friend in this dream life.

It’s taken me a very long time to accept that as I’ve gotten older, I find myself gravitating toward and longing for the second fantasy I mentioned above. As the eldest daughter raised by a family of doctors, dentists, lawyers and other esteemed careers, I thought that this was the only path to happiness and fulfillment in life. I’ve had to do a lot of unlearning and I’m still unlearning the mean and negative self talk that permeates my brain anytime I feel myself craving a simpler life.

Some notes on getting older…

Feeling lost in your twenties is always forgiven by society and older people who often praise and reminisce on their youth during a time they felt lost. But they’re successful now, so that means you will be too. “Oh, you’re still so young you have plenty of time to figure it out.”

When you turn thirty, there’s a shift that happens within yourself and the world around you. Feeling lost is no longer forgiving and in fact, people often view it as pathetic. You feel the cringe and pity in their voice- the energy is palpable. “You should have it figured out by now.” “You’re getting up there in age.” And you start to realize that all of your friends are married and have children and are successful in their careers. As if you didn’t already have enough negative self talk…

As I navigate this shift in my career, I find myself feeling overwhelmingly anxious, emotional, terrified, etc. As much as I would love to have the luxury and privilege to earn enough money by creating content all day and writing to you, I also need to put food on the table. In other words, I don’t have that dog in me to be a starving artist. Finding purpose as a writer feels like a death sentence. I’m a Virgo and I crave stability and I like buying nice things and I want to have my second fantasy ^ come true. It’s the only way I can sleep at night. To be candid and honest with you, my anxiety throughout this experience has been so bad it’s causing me to have heart palpitations and other health issues. The endless interviews and rejections. The pitch emails and desperation I feel to be solid in my career again is extremely unsettling. I’m writing this to you because I know how hard it is out there to find work and if you’re struggling, too, I hope you know you’re not alone.

What I’ve learned is this: It’s perfectly okay to go into a career for the money (especially corporate) as long as you find purpose outside of your job.

In the same breath, you’re allowed to have more than one purpose, in fact, I’ve found that allowing yourself to explore multiple avenues of fulfillment, you find that fleeting moments of joy and happiness start to happen more frequently. You’re meeting more people and changing up your routine in healthier ways. And who knows, maybe your passion project will turn into a dream job one day.

I listened to a podcast episode called “The Case Against Loving Your Job” from the Ezra Klein show. Klein and labor journalist Sarah Jaffe discuss the unrealistic expectation that work should provide deep personal fulfillment and self-actualization. Jaffe argues that this modern work ethic demands undue emotional labor from employees and perpetuates a false promise, as work, by its nature, cannot fulfill emotional needs. The episode explores how the decline of religion and rise of consumerism have shifted the cultural narrative, making careers a primary source of identity and satisfaction, often leading to burnout and disillusionment. Jaffe calls for a reassessment of how we view and value work, advocating for a more balanced approach that recognizes work as a means to an end rather than an end in itself. Please go listen to this.

I’ve been knee deep in research about career changing and ways to land higher paying and more in-demand jobs (recession proof) so if this is something that is of interest to you and you’d like me to expand, please let me know.

I love you. You’re not alone. You’re enough.

See you tomorrow.

Bye <3

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