i'm a student again

hello.

i’m a student again.  

i’m juggling an amalgamation of emotions: imposter syndrome, gratitude, excitement, fear, guilt, and the list goes on. 

focus and gratitude are the emotions i’m choosing to prioritize and while i’m not quite ready to be completely open about all of this, i would love to share about the student experience- little snippets of campus life, maybe what it feels like to study again, and things of that nature every now and then. 

i’ve always wanted a career that required life long learning as an eldest daughter who thrives off of academic validation and masochist with a strange affinity for the pursuit of knowledge.

needless to say, i’m very much in my element. i’m home again.

and pardon my vagueness, but this is the most important opportunity that has opened up for me in a very long time and i want to keep it sacred and close to my heart until i’ve settled in.

there’s a level of hope i feel as a student. a clean slate, a brighter future, endless possibilities, and a nostalgia that simultaneously heals my inner child while allowing me to grow into the woman i know i’m capable of becoming.

there are many creators who write about romantic love, relationships, etc. in fact, some of the best literature ever written is based on love- the intimacy between two people… i’ve never been able to relate to books like that, but i’ve created parallels for things i’m most passionate about and i’ve always felt like a life long pursuit of academia is a lot like what i assume romantic love would be like… messy, passionate, sometimes unrequited, chaotic- an amalgamation of emotions. the difference for me is how little control you have over romantic love, while those of us who are ‘married to academia’ or dedicated to spending the rest of our lives learning, have complete control (obviously, to an extent, this goes without saying). we’re in the driver’s seat. and as someone who is an a-type virgo perfectionist, there is nothing that has ever felt more satisfying and comforting than being fully in control of the outcome of an exam or assignment that is solely predicated by the time, energy, work, and passion i put into studying.

i digress.

all this to say, this news was very recent and i’m still a bit overwhelmed and shellshocked. but, nevertheless, i’m elated to call myself a student again.

i’ll still be writing to you frequently and maybe i’ll be adding more academia inspired posts since i am someone who cannot separate the things i love most from the content i create.

(in case you missed it, here’s my detailed back to school master list for reference)

lastly, since i don’t have much time to read for pleasure or watch films, i’ve been very much enjoying my back to school playlist for vibes, this classical music playlist for studying, and this jazzy little number for both. this is a good one, too.

and don’t you worry dark academia lovers, i have something good coming your way very soon.

okay, that’s all for today.

if you’re not ready to become a paid subscriber and you have the capacity to leave a tip, that would be so appreciated. 

i love you.

bye.

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paris, my queen