the harsh reality of loneliness as an aesthetic

hello.

i recently wrote a note about loneliness that gained quite a bit of traction on substack.

and i wanted to expand on this here. it’s taken me awhile to gather my thoughts on this topic because loneliness is a perpetual emotion i’ve battled my entire life, and even as someone who writes more than i speak, it’s difficult to put this into words. there are videos on tiktok like this one and this one that describe this very feeling - the introverted girl whose feelings of comfort in solitude get juxtaposed by loneliness. the weird girl who is always in her head. the girl who feels a little too much. the intj / infj girls who feel like they exist too much and not enough. if you resonate with any or all of the above, i see you, i feel you. i’ve spent all my years living on this planet searching for my people, and i’ve had friends in the past who have come close, but things always end up falling apart and i can’t help but feel like i’m the common denominator in these friendship breakups. maybe it’s the earth shattering anxiety and depression that people love to aestheticize and romanticize on the internet, but when it come’s down to showing radical empathy towards the people who truly suffer from this, all of the sudden it’s not cute anymore and they want nothing to do with you or the things you carry inside your head.

the pandemic and the way that social media has swallowed our society whole has both exacerbated and improved the lives of lonely girls. on one hand, social media and the internet (and this comforting corner of the digital world called substack) have been a safe space- a place to come together to commiserate about what it means to truly feel alone and different. i’m sure many of you reading this resonate and by the looks of how many people responded to my note. and it sounds like we could all use a friend or two.

on the flip side of this digitally addicted society, finding true friendship and connection with others on the internet can only fill so much of this loneliness void. a best friend to sit with in person to read together or write together- to go to a concert and feel the palpable energy radiate from the crowd around you and share that experience with the person you love. or have a sleepover and share pancakes in the morning with a cup of coffee and discuss an interesting article you read or a quote that resonated with you from the book you’re currently reading. a hug. playing with your hair. holding your hand. a shoulder to lean on during long car rides. sharing a headphone and a playlist. baking a recipe together. going on walks outdoors. celebrating the seasons. having a favorite coffee shop or bookstore that you frequent together. and my personal favorite, finding a person who you feel so comfortable with that you two can sit together in silence without feeling awkward or compelled to fill the silence with meaningless fillers that mean nothing to you or your person. this simplicity and significance of friendship can only be felt in person- true human touch and connection that gets barricaded behind computer screens and social media apps.

i’m certain that many of us grew up with media that displayed this level of friendship. shows like friends or sex in the city or new girl. (truly, nothing can compare to friends). in the early 90s and 00s, this type of friendship was attainable because this was a time when people were living a life they wanted to experience for themselves, rather than creating a life to fit a curated aesthetic in search of likes and follows from strangers on the internet.

we’re far too gone as a society to take back or get rid of this loneliness epidemic caused by the internet and social media. whenever i try to wrap my head around a solution, i feel absolutely defeated knowing that we’re in too deep. everyone is living on their own planet amongst one another, struggling with the same thing, feeling the same level of defeat and brain rot from this simulation of a society that we created and are constantly fueling by our participation and perpetual doom scrolling every single day.

as i mentioned in my note, there’s an inundation of friendship applications, online friend dating apps like bumble bff, expensive curated events in large metropolitan cities, exclusive clubs that require a hefty vetting process and high price tag, and other ideas that feel so incredibly inaccessible and out of touch to the majority of people living in this world.

i remember when i first moved to new york city, i dreamt of finding a group of friends just like the ones i grew up with watching on tv (how naive of me, i know). what a rude awakening, let me tell you. not only did i not find that, but i felt my loneliness grow deeper as i spent my days walking amongst seas of people who are all searching for the same thing, but too terrified and consumed by a false reality to do anything about it.

even when i watch people at dinner together (“friend groups”), they’re glued to their phones- together physically, but emotionally living in a universe that doesn’t exist. it’s a reverse uno of the previous problem I discussed above. everything is a mess, so what’s a girl to do?

as a follow up response to my note, i suggested the following:

after all, we’re all just silly girls, living in a blogging world, all craving connection and seasonal pastries, a hot girl library, and a place to come together to commiserate. maybe that’s the solution.

reader, i feel as though i’ve left you disappointed as i don’t have a realistic solution to this issue, and for that, i’m sorry. but as i close out this letter, i’d like to leave you with a little treat(s) and share some quotes and a few media recommendations that have helped me feel understood and less alone. maybe they’ll help you, too.

quotes:

“there is no living being on earth at this moment except myself. i could walk down the halls, and empty rooms would yawn mockingly at me from every side. god, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of "parties" with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. and when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness, is horrible and overpowering.” - sylvia plath, the unabridged journals of sylvia plath

“how we need another soul to cling to.” - sylvia plath, the unabridged journals of sylvia plath

“there is a loneliness that can be rocked. arms crossed, knees drawn up, holding, holding on, this motion, unlike a ship's, smooths and contains the rocker. it's an inside kind—wrapped tight like skin. then there is the loneliness that roams. no rocking can hold it down. it is alive. on its own. a dry and spreading thing that makes the sound of one's own feet going seem to come from a far-off place.” - toni morrison, beloved

“it suddently seemed to me that i was lonely, that everyone was forsaking me and going away from me.” -fyodor dostoevsky, white nights

“loneliness is the human condition. cultivate it. the way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. never expect to outgrow loneliness. never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. an intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. if you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. the best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” -janet fitch, white oleander

“marianne had the sense that her real life was happening somewhere very far away, happening without her.” - sally rooney, normal people

films

her (2013)

the royal tenenbaums (2009)

normal people (2020)

matilda (1996)

ladybird (2017)

juno (2007)

lost in translation (2003)

donnie darko (2001)

coraline (2009)

books:

stoner by john williams: a quietly powerful novel about the life of william stoner, a university professor whose seemingly uneventful existence is marked by personal and professional struggles. it's a meditation on the meaning of a life fully lived, despite external recognition.

the bell jar by sylvia plath: a semi-autobiographical novel that dives deep into the mental health struggles of esther greenwood as she navigates her burgeoning career and personal identity. it's an intense exploration of depression and the societal pressures faced by women in the 1950s.

sula by toni morrison: an evocative story of friendship and betrayal between two childhood friends, sula and nel, set in a black community in ohio. morrison examines themes of identity, community, and the complexities of human relationships with her characteristic lyricism.

my brilliant friend by elena ferrante: the first book in the neapolitan quartet, it chronicles the intense and tumultuous friendship between elena and lila from childhood through adolescence. ferrante's exploration of their lives in post-war naples is both intimate and expansive, capturing the intricacies of female friendship.

the book of disquiet by fernando pessoa: a fragmented, poetic reflection on existentialism and the inner life of bernardo soares, an alter ego of the author. it's a deeply introspective and philosophical work that captures the essence of modernist thought.

the complete stories by clarice lispector: a collection that showcases the breadth and depth of lispector's short fiction, ranging from the mundane to the mystical. her stories are known for their introspective depth, psychological insight, and innovative narrative techniques.

circe by madeline miller: a retelling of the myth of circe, the enchantress from homer's odyssey, giving her a rich inner life and a compelling journey of self-discovery. miller reimagines circe's story with lyrical prose and a fresh perspective on classical mythology.

normal people by sally rooney: a modern love story following the complicated relationship between marianne and connell as they navigate the transition from high school to university in ireland. rooney's sharp prose and keen observations on social dynamics make this an engaging read.

the stranger by albert camus: a classic existential novel that tells the story of meursault, a detached and indifferent french algerian who commits a senseless murder. camus explores themes of absurdity, alienation, and the meaningless nature of existence.if you’re feeling lonely, you’re not alone. distant, but not alone.

and lastly…

a playlist for weird girls

that’s all for today.

i love you and i hope this helps.

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Substack Writers