some girls don't cry
Hello.
I want to be one of those girls who can cry when she is sad. When I say I cry all the time, what I really mean is that I stare at a wall and listen to grouper and bury everything. Even with sad books or sad films, I feel it all and internalize everything but nothing comes out- a catastrophic storm inside my mind.
The very few times I’ve cried, it was the most physically and emotionally exhausting thing I’ve ever experienced- like I had run two marathons. I didn’t feel alleviated, I felt heavier. It was quite disappointing as I assumed I would get some sort of relief.
I empathize with people deeply and can’t get over the fact that despite how much I feel, there isn’t a single hint of emotion that projects outwardly from my body. It often rubs people the wrong way and I’ve been told I have a cold, harsh, unapproachable exterior as I’ve been forever associated with wednesday addams throughout the entirety of my life (a skill that frequently wards off men, so huzzah for me).
I can’t be the only one who struggles with this.
Perhaps an amalgamation of childhood trauma or a personal coping mechanism has forced me to bury everything. And yes I’ve gone/ am going to therapy.
Maybe that’s why books are so comforting. They take the words right out of your thoughts and put them on the page for you to feel understood.
And the more I think about this, especially over the course of this extremely challenging year+, the more I realize that I’m just woman and I would really like to be angry. I would really like to be enraged and furious to the point of destruction, tears and all. But I was raised to be a woman and therefore I’m too afraid to let go and feel without constraints out of fear for punished like I was as a young girl for feeling too much.
One of these days, I’ll learn how to cry properly.
I’ve also realized the importance of having something comforting to cling to during trying times- a comfort (and addictive binge-worthy) tv show, podcast, activity or hobby that will distract your mind and prevent you from plummeting further down into an ominous abyss of depression. A bandaid if you will, and perhaps not the healthiest coping mechanism, but better than most. And we are, after all, only human, trying to survive. Let me recommend a few of my favorites (and i’m trying not to include too many so it’s not overwhelming):
podcasts:
-goes without saying: female friendship and ultimate comfort topics discussed between sephy and wing. i love them so much.
-cherry bombe: a comforting foodie inspired podcast.
-anything goes: you already know.
tv shows:
-fleabag: raw, unfiltered human experiences with humor and depth
-friends: this show and it makes me homesick for friends i’ve always wanted but never had
-cooking shows: ina garten and the great british baking show. most food network shows have gone way downhill, but some of the older stuff is good.
-never have i ever: mindy kaling is such a brilliant writer/producer. i loved this series so much.
-the sex lives of college girls: another mindy kaling banger and renee rapp is in it so…
-that 90s show (and that 70s show): loved this series so much and that 90s show was just as good. there’s so much comfort in nostalgic reflection on the simpler times of the 70s and the 90s, wrapped in humor and the warmth of teenage friendships
-sex and the city: life and love and sex in New York City. female friendship. classic escapism. i’m a miranda.
-i’m purposefully not putting gilmore girls on here because i don’t like the show. yes, it’s comforting for maybe the first season, then it becomes problematic and i have a lot of beef with it. sue me.
activities:
-writing to you
-walking outside
-reading and writing for self
-coffee with a friend
-doing something seasonal. we’re in summer so go to the farmers market to get seasonal product, or a u-pick farm to pick fresh berries, or take a drive to the lake, or have a picnic at the park. you can reference this post for more inspo
-cooking or baking something
I hope this helps.
See you tomorrow.
Love you, bye <3
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As a girl on the other end of the crying-spectrum, I loved this. You're so right, even as a chronic crier, sometimes you just don't get that relief that feels like it should be coming at the end. You're just left feeling so empty. Great recs also x
got substack to read a post that i couldn't finish cos i was bored. this is the first i have acc read to the end since i got this app. so relatable.