today is my birthday.

hello.

before finding out about this new academic endeavor of mine, i was dreading my birthday and i had planned on throwing myself the most insufferable rot pity party.

doestoevsky said, "you sensed that you should be following a different path, a more ambitious one, you felt that you were destined for other things but you had no idea how to achieve them and in your misery, you began to hate everything around you."

i felt this in my soul. it’s arguably one of my favorite quotes of all time and i want to expand on this deeper in another letter.

if you’re also a purpose driven person, you can understand the turmoil one faces whenever you start of veer off the path you know you’re destined for. i like to call this the unfairness of life- being able to chase your dreams is certainly a privilege. it’s costly and it takes time, it requires good health- all things we take advantage of frequently.

after years of sitting in my own shit being bitter and angry, i feel freed, or rather, insurmountably gratuitous.

all this to say, i wanted to share with you some critical lessons i’ve learned over these past several years. you’ve probably heard them before, but just in case, i’m sharing them with you anyway. i’m also prefacing the fact that i’m still learning and i still fail every single day.

hard lessons i’m still learning:

-it’s okay to outgrow friendships that don’t reciprocate the love and energy you deserve 

-you’re allowed to change your mind, pursue new dreams, change your career

-you are your own worst enemy

-no reason to stay is a good reason to go

-we are in charge of giving our lives meaning. if you feel like your life is meaningless, that’s your fault

-you’re not required to have a relationship with toxic family members just because they’re family

-your body is the least interesting thing about you

-don’t box yourself into an aesthetic 

-everything ends eventually

-education is a privilege and it’s also the most powerful gift you can give yourself

-read a diverse array of literature, challenge your taste, expand your knowledge 

-you can’t be everything to everyone

-money can buy you happiness, or rather, stability and comfort

-time is the most precious gift and we have full control over how we spend it

-put your fucking phone down it can wait

-say yes to things that scare you 

-romanticize the little things

-your goals require consistency

-fake it till you make it

-don’t cringe at this fire quote from the perks of being a wallflower… “we accept the love we think we deserve”

-avoid overconsumption of: things, toxic people, content on the internet, etc

-continue challenging yourself and do things outside of your comfort zone 

-stop choosing what isn’t choosing you

-live in a big city (if you have the opportunity to do so). it doesn’t have to be forever. but it will challenge you and open up more doors than you can imagine in your career, relationships, and everything in between

-it’s not that deep

-learn how to be a good friend

-don’t overshare. privacy protects your dreams

-comparison is the thief of joy

-surround yourself with likeminded people who have a diverse range of interests

-life is not fair

-forgive. forgive yourself. forgive others

-the best is yet to come

for my birthday today i’m going to eat my favorite dessert, apple pie with ice cream, eat my favorite meal, chinese take out, and do my favorite things, watch good films, read my favorite book, play chess and visit a museum with my best friends to celebrate another year of existing on this earth. and this time, with my new found hope in life, i’m going to give myself permission to enjoy today and romanticize indulging in the simple things i love most.

the film(s) in question: coraline and kiki’s delivery service for sure. and maybe juno… or lalaland

the favorite book(s) in question: depends on my mood, but since i’m very much in a dark academia mood these days, i’ll probably re-read snippets of the secret history or listen to donna tartt serenade me with the audiobook version. i’ve also been on a major gothic horror kick, so i might re-read frankenstein. i’ll probably listen to bits and pieces of the harry potter audiobooks for comfort and pretend it’s autumn.

that’s all for now. will you eat a treat with me today?

if you’re not ready to become a paid subscriber and you have the capacity to leave a tip, that would be so appreciated. <3

i love you.

bye.

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