weekly report & trauma dumping

Hello.

Since I left you high and dry for the month of May, I realize that I’m long overdue for a weekly report. Today’s will be full of good recommendations. And I’m also trauma dumping in this goodie bag of recs.

*Trigger warning as this post discusses a personal and intimate story about miscarriage and abuse*

Reading:

Outline by Rachel Cusk: A novelist in Athens captures life's complexities through the stories of people she meets.

Slouching Towards Bethlehem by Joan Didion: Joan Didion's essays offer a vivid snapshot of 1960s California counterculture.

Real Estate by Deborah Levy: Deborah Levy explores themes of womanhood and home in her reflective memoir.

Apprenticeship or The Book of Pleasures by Clarice Lispector: A mesmerizing journey of self-discovery and love.

Notes of A Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin: A touching story of identity and connection in contemporary Taipei.

Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson: A lyrical exploration of love and loss from an unnamed narrator.

Complete Short Fiction by Oscar Wilde: A collection of Oscar Wilde's timeless and witty short stories.

Illuminations by Arthur Rimbaud: Dive into Rimbaud's vivid and dreamlike poetic visions.

What Is Existentialism? by Simone de Beauvoir: An accessible introduction to existentialist philosophy by Simone de Beauvoir.

And lastly…

If you’re looking for something spicy: Henry and June by Anais Nin

My biggest flex currently is receiving an ARC of Intermezzo by Sally Rooney and Parade by Rachel Cusk. I will be devouring these two books the second they arrive at my doorstep.

Eating:

-Cottage Cheese: I’m very late to this game. But as a lactose intolerant vegetarian, I have to be careful with my cheese consumption. I recently discovered lactose free cottage cheese by a brand called Good Culture. It’s arguably my favorite snack of the day. As I’ve struggled to find ways to get more protein into my diet, this has been a godsend. I also attempted to eat meat last week (chicken and salmon) and my body said fuck you and I threw up. I’m going to keep trying. And I stopped eating protein powder because that was also wrecking my stomach. I digress.

-Ella’s Flats Crackers: This is the best cracker I’ve ever eaten in my entire life. It’s not dry and it doesn’t feel/ taste like saw dust when you eat it. They melt in your mouth. Dip them in hummus… fuck me up.

-Apricots: There is nothing I love more than stone fruit season. Plump juicy apricots that drip down your chin and arm when you bite into them. They taste like candy. And when peaches start to become a little sweeter, I’ll be eating my weight in stone fruits and peach cobbler and peach pie.

-Skinny Dipped Almond Minis: I am the friend who always has copious amounts of snacks on her at all times- for myself, for you, for your friends, for everyone. I like these because they’re portable and tasty and make you feel good.

-Strawberry Yoggies: These are probiotic yogurt strawberry fruit snacks. Fruit snack for adults. Another thing about me- I love kids snacks and little snack packs. I still eat goldfish and teddy graham and pirate booty and annie bunnies and little chewy granola bars and rice crispy treats <3

-Blueberry Lavender Milk: This is at trader joes. I make matcha lattes and regular lattes with this milk and it’s delicious. And I use this $7 hand frother to make them. It’s the best.

Playing:

-Tender Jazz: If I’m feeling anxious, I want soft tender jazz music. Chet Baker’s warm embrace penetrating my ears.

-Alex G: <3

-I made another secret playlist: easy feel-good dream-pop soft indie bedroom songs to play in the car with your lover and/or friends.

Obsessing:

-Candle Warmer: Of all the things I’ve ever bought on Amazon, this is by far one of my favorite purchases of all time. This candle warmer gives you the real throw and scent of what your candle should smell like. And you don’t have to worry about it burning your house down. It’s also gentle and it doesn’t overpower the room or make you feel nauseated like some of the stronger candles tend to do.

Recommending:

-I recently discovered the show Hazbin Hotel thanks to my brother. It’s a brilliantly raunchy adult cartoon show on Amazon Prime and YouTube.

-The same creator, Vivzie Pop (BRILLIANT, btw), created another show on YouTube called Helluva Boss. Highly recommend.

-I started watching Juno again. And this is where I trauma dump

*(tw)

Here’s my story… The first time I got pregnant, I was 16 years old. My father and I have never had a relationship and when I was a teen, he didn’t want to deal with me as he was busy tending to his new wives and all of their children. He sent me away. Twice. To one of those “Programs” in the middle of nowhere. (If you’ve seen this documentary, it was very much like this). He sent me to one in Arizona and another one in Utah. Maybe I should start writing about this because these two years spent in these psychotic therapy treatment programs were the most traumatic years of my life. And boy, do I have stories.

Juno came out around the same time I got pregnant. I had a short break of time back at home with my family between the two programs I got sent away to and during this time, I ended up getting pregnant (not by choice). When my dad sent me away again, he didn’t know I was pregnant and I ended up having a miscarriage the same week I was taken away by two undercover cops who showed up at the foot of my bed at 3am on a school night. I remember the shock and fear of being handcuffed to the back of the van driving 8 hours to Arizona where I would be locked away in the middle of nowhere for another year without any access to phones, computers, my friends, my family, nourishing food, safety or security. I need you to understand that when I say the middle of nowhere, I mean it was a hour to the first gas station/ store. The type of town that breeds incest families and reeks of Ethel Cain, but not in an aesthetic southern gothic type of way. That same week, I lost my baby. I remember being so afraid and alone, not being able to call my mom, not knowing any of the girls around me, not feeling safe or comfortable around the staff. I had been bleeding the day prior and I told the staff I was pregnant but no one believed me. After experiencing the worst physical and psychological pain of my life, cramping and vomiting and crying and screaming, I sat on the toilet bleeding as my baby expelled into the water. Even after going to the hospital and having doctors and nurses confirm my pregnancy and miscarriage, none of the staff apologized for gaslighting me or not believing me. When I was finally well enough to go to my first therapy session at the program, my therapist said, “It’s probably best you had a miscarriage. It would be a tragedy for that baby to be brought into this world and raised by a teenager in your condition.”

Okay, so back to Juno. This movie gutted me. I would clutch my belly at this program and dream and pretend that the baby I once had was still inside of me. When the staff would wake us up at 5am to scrub the baseboards in the cafeteria with toothbrushes for discipline, I would play the Juno soundtrack in my head over and over for comfort since we weren’t allowed to listen to music. Playing Sea of love by cat power in my head was a balm that soothed my soul. There’s so much more I want to say here. But what I’m getting at is that this movie has a very special place in my heart. It took over a decade after that for me to be able to watch this movie again. But as I’ve healed over the years, I’m learning to love Juno all over again.

Treating:

-I started doing pilates again for the first time in years. I’ve realized that I’m tired of depleting and deteriorating my body on the elliptical or running every single day and I’m tired of feeling weak. My body craves pilates. So I’ve been doing that about 5 times a week and some heavy lifting/ strength training in between. I do light cardio and a lot of walking and I’m finally starting to feel strong again. Working out is a touchy subject for me, and I hate recommending anything to anyone because our bodies are all so different. I just want to say that despite how much I hate working out in the moment, I always feel better after and as I’ve gotten older, I love being able to take care of myself and treat my body the way it deserves to be treated.

-Reading: This shouldn’t even fall under the umbrella of “treating”, but as I’ve taken more time away from social media, I’ve been consuming books like water. I’ve prioritized reading and made it an integral part of my daily routine.

-Baking: I’ve been cooking and baking up a storm in my kitchen. There’s nothing more therapeutic than baking a homemade bread or a seasonal pie or a home cooked recipe from my grandma’s family cookbook.

-I haven’t treated myself to this yet, but this is high on my wishlist. It’s the Six Penny Neva Daybed. I want a very cozy, big, comfy daybed to read and nap. If you have any other recs for something like this please let me know because this Six Penny one is pricey.

That’s all for today. I’ll see you tomorrow.

I love you.

Bye <3