cosplaying the role of a girl's girl

hello.

when i was in second grade i had an enemy (let’s call her sally) in my class. sally and i morally detested one another. on the first day of school, we were forced to sit at the same table. we would exchange glares and scoot our chairs as far apart as possible without getting yelled at by our teacher. i’m not quite sure what the catalyst was to ignite such a hatred for one another, but the energy was palpable. sometime during september, we were doing an apple themed craft in class. we were required to cut out baby apple shapes from red paper and place them on the tree we painted with brown paint on large stock paper. on each apple, we would write the names of friends and family members we loved. a lot of the girls at my table were writing the names of friends in class on their trees. sally looked over at me and said something along the lines of, “the reason you don’t have any of our names on your tree is because you’re weird and you don’t have any friends.” out of rage and spite, i took my scissors and cut a large hole on the bottom of her uniform shirt when she wasn’t looking. she obviously figured it out and decided to take her scissors and cut one long latitudinal line up the side of my shirt. the teacher saw this transaction take place and immediately sent us to the principal’s office where we were both sentenced to a three day suspension.

about 3 months later right before christmas break, my grandmother picked my brother and i up from school on a minimum day and decided to take us to mcdonalds. i was elated. my favorite thing to do at mcdonalds (and at any fast food restaurant) was to play in the jungle gym, crawl through the tubes, slide down the swirly slides and play in the ball pit. after eating my weight in chicken nuggets with bbq sauce and fries, my brother and i ran around the indoor playground. we eventually separated and i decided to climb up the ladder and crawl through the big tubes to get to the top of the jungle gym. as i approach the swirly slide, i saw another girl my age with beachy blonde hair that fell to her lower back waiting her turn to go down the slide.

sally. that bitch.

how dare she take up space at my mcdonalds playground. we locked eyes for a hot 10 seconds or more.

hey. she said.

hey. i stared at her.

do you want to be friends? she asked.

i looked at her intently.

i guess. i said.

we went down the slide together after being told not to because it was unsafe. we laughed and landed on top of one another after speeding down the slide and getting yelled at by the mcdonald’s worker manning the playground. we begged my grandmother for a mcflurry with m&m’s to share. and the rest was history. we were best friends until she moved schools in the 7th grade. funny how simple children are at the ripe age of 8.

it takes a long time for people to warm up to me. in almost every single one of my friendships, i hear the same discourse. “i thought you were a total bitch before i got to know you” or “i thought you hated me” or “you looked like you were going to commit murder” and sometimes all of the above.

as someone who is an intj, mildly autistic, very introverted, and has a permanent resting bitch face, it’s been difficult to make girlfriends. but before i continue, i need to emphasize how much i value and appreciate being alone. the point of this letter is to share my experiences and observations as a dedicated wallflower. i’m human, so connection is important to me, but i’ve spent many years of my life without it.

when i was in my freshman year of undergrad, the thought of attempting small talk with sorority girls in college made me want to unalive myself. to this day, i still don’t understand how so many girls never had issues making girlfriends so quickly and so easily despite never having met one another. i realize there’s a certain level of masking and pretending involved with these transactions, but it seems like with friendships like this, the masks never come off.

girl’s girl. a term i’ve heard throughout the course of my life but never truly understood. what does this even mean? is it about loyalty? relatability? both, perhaps? one thing i pride myself on in friendships is loyalty. if you’re my person, i will ride or die for you no matter the circumstances. maybe relatability is the missing piece of the puzzle. this juxtaposition of understanding women on a deep, intimate level while simultaneously lacking the relatability required to connect with women leaves me constantly perplexed.

relatability is often something i struggle with whenever i meet new people. i’m a great listener, but i wont bring anything to the table if you want to talk about romance, love, dating, which seems to be the only thing many women want to talk about these days. i’ll listen, i’ll empathize, i’ll give advice if you ask for it, i’ll be a shoulder to lean on, but i won’t understand you. i won’t make small talk. and if you try and make small talk with me, i promise i will shut down and it will be an uncomfortable, awkward experience for you.

i want people to understand the level of energy it takes to mask autistic, introverted, intj mannerisms. and while i’m able to do it, and i’m required to do it in professional and work settings, it’s absolutely exhausting… emotionally, physically, i feel it all. often times, after socializing with people, i need a solid 3 hours to recharge, sit inside of my home alone, stare at a wall, and have my nightly floor time.

despite the pessimism you may feel in this letter, please know that i love women and i love being a girl, but there has always been a massive concrete wall that separates me from girlworld.

oh, and before you assume, know that i’m not a guy’s girl either. i’ve never been one of the boys. far from it, in fact. although i do get on with the gays. i’ve found that most gay men either love or loathe the dark and twisty introverted weird girls. regardless, there is no one i love more than the twinks and the girls. last note here to the girls and the gays… the jock/bro type boys love weird girls even though they will never admit it. that qb boy in high school who made fun of you? there is nothing he wanted more than to consume and devour every single inch of you.

moving on.

i’m writing this to you because after going back to school and starting university this year, these feelings of otherness have surfaced again. during orientation and on the first day of school, friendships were already starting to bud immediately. now, i realize a lot of this is in my control and it’s taken me awhile to turn the finger around and point it back at me. but again, as someone who is introverted and highly masks their autism, it’s hard as fuck. my internal narrative goes a little something like… i don’t want to talk to anyone. i don’t want to have to explain why i am the way i am. but i also want you if you’re the one for me. i stand firm in the belief that i would much rather have zero friends than be immersed in a sorority full of surface level fake friendships where i am constantly required to be someone i’m not. i’m grateful that i can find peace and contentment being alone, but i’m also human, and sometimes i find myself longing for my person, whoever they may be.

one of the reasons why i cling to literature and film is because often times i’ll find a character who makes me feel understood. i talk about books because its soothing and it takes the conversation away from me and onto something where i feel i can add value and insight to a discussion. others can get to know parts of me that speak to who i am as a person without asking me about the weather or if i’m on hinge. i would assume that many people, including myself, have found solace on booktok and even corners of this platform knowing that there are others who share similar experiences and internal narratives. i don’t have an answer or any final parting thoughts on this discussion because if this is something you identify with, you know this type of existence is a revolving door. with that said, i’ll leave you with some characters from films and books who make me feel less alone as well as a playlist i think you might enjoy.

weird, introverted, quirky girls who make me feel understood:

marianne normal people

weird girl (and victor) frankenweenie

lydia deetz beetlejuice

wednesday addams the addams family

juno juno

fleabag fleabag

edward scissorhands edward scissorhands (i know he’s a boy)

cillian murphy (his entire aura)

beth harmon the queen’s gambit

daria daria

lexi, jules euphoria

enid ghost world

effy stonem skins uk

coraline coraline

daisy randone girl, interrupted

grimes (before elon)

paris geller gilmore girls

ramona flowers scott pilgrim vs the world

christina yang grey’s anatomy

hermione granger harry potter

missy bring it on

charlotte lost in translation

lastly, here is a weird girl playlist just for you.

okay, that’s all for today.

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i love you.

bye.

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