I wonder if you have come across the the English mystic, Julian of Norwich. Her writings - Revelations of Divine Love are so interesting. So dangerous for anyone writing about such things in the 1400s, but for a woman then it was even more so.
Desperately hungry for intellectuals to reclaim the “spiritual/mystical, not religious” identity from people who wouldn’t be able to comprehend this essay. It is a profound foundational ideological structure, not just a tagline for those who shop for crystals.
the “spiritual but not religious” identity has been flattened into a vague, commodified aesthetic rather than the deep ideological and philosophical orientation it can be. historically, mysticism has been at the core of some of the most rigorous intellectual and existential inquiries—even kierkegaard’s leap of faith. but in the modern landscape, it’s been co-opted by surface-level consumerism rather than engaged with as a serious, foundational worldview.
Yes, its historical manifestations are bountiful. Since you and I come from the Christian context, it’s important to stand on the shoulders of Eckhart, Hildegard, the anonymous author of The Cloud of Unknowing, Kierkegaard, and (yes, to your credit) Merton. And we must integrate elements of Eastern traditions into our frameworks, as well. This is neither appropriation nor dilettantism. The universe of spirituality is lush and must be fully explored by anyone claiming to be an aristocrat of the soul.
You put into words what I’ve been feeling for most of my adult life after leaving the evangelical church. Fuck. Thank you. You gave me language I did not know how to use to help ease the ache in my chest.
Amen. Love this so much. As a recovering Irish Catholic it has taken years to be able to gain perspective and self-confidence to break away. It does however leave a significant hole, I miss the ceremony of things, how we mark/honour things that happen. Death, birth, illness etc. It's finding other rituals that mark these life events to help process the emotions, I have been finding solace in learning more about other religions including paganism, buddhism and finding other rituals that feel kinder/more authentic to me. Thank you for these words, they so resonate.
This was an incredible read. I deconstructed evangelicalism, journeyed through atheism, Buddhism, agnosticism, and landed in Catholicism. This nails so many experiences better than anything I’ve ever seen or read.
Love this! As someone who grew up in a suffocating religious environment, it was a not an easy task to unlearn all the things that I was conditioned (aka brainwashed) to believe.
You write so clearly and wonderfully, and are an inspiration to my current and writing/thinking/ processing around my religious upbringing. Thank you for putting yourself out there!
My mother grew up in a profoundly Catholic home. She too had to go to a Catholic school, attend mass, the priest even came to their home to bless them in the evenings. She gave up the church when I was a young girl (after my first year in Catholic school.) She still lives with the reverberations of the indoctrination. It really hit her family hard. My mom's younger sister died when she was six from HIB, and my mom's older sister was convinced (to this day) that she was at fault, as she had given up candy for Lent and one afternoon before their little sister's death, had snuck into a drawer and eaten a piece of hard candy. The rules and rituals that my mom has given up over the years still haunt her though.
this is heartbreaking and really speaks to how deeply religious conditioning embeds itself, even after someone has left the church. guilt, especially the kind instilled in childhood, doesn’t just disappear—it lingers, reshaping itself in different ways over time. the story about your aunt feeling responsible is devastating but also such a clear example of how doctrine can warp grief, turning it into something punitive. i think a lot about how religion, for all its beauty, often teaches people to see suffering as something earned, as if every joy must be balanced by some kind of penance. unlearning that is hard, maybe even impossible in some ways, but acknowledging it—seeing it for what it is—is a start.
Yes sadly it does warp grief into something punitive - that's exactly it. My mom and her sister and brother have never unlearned their indoctrination. It was a central part of their childhood so I think their identity is cloaked in it, even at 70+ years of age.
Is pleasure reading this. I want to recommend a film which may not be a amazing one. For me personally is something I watch now and then. El crimen del padre amaro. I love this film for many reasons, since I was a teen who asked every night why did my god abandon me. There was a time when I was in elementary school where my friends told me if I wasn’t baptized and I (for some reason) died I wouldn’t go to heaven. I was so worried, but one day in church or idk where I heard that if you had 9 years before that age your sins didn’t count. So I was relieved there was two choices for me trying to beat time and leave before that or just sin until that age and say oh well I was under the age where your sins counts. Anyways, is a timer until today, and even I know by a fact or maybe I choose to, that believe isn’t true and maybe if I pray every night or say “sorry god it want serious” after saying something bad I may be forgiven. That way maybe everything has a why, because if not, why so much character development? Anyways, back to the film. Makes me think about how for me religion is arrogance, devotion, incompetence, admiration, utter ignorance and salvation. How we admire those lives we would never have, maybe buying her outfit or praying at night would get me to my happiness. Maybe confessing our sins in the bathroom with your best friends and looking down on those who don’t match our believes. Unfollowing them, exiling them from redemption and giving our faith to those who proven themselves worthy of suffering because why give them a good life if you ain’t suffering enough. Also how love is just trust as similar in faith, trust that maybe you would catch me on the other side. (Sorry god) (also sorry for this rant) (I’m praying just in case)
the way religion shapes our fears, desires, and moral justifications is something i think about constantly—how even when we intellectually reject certain beliefs, they linger in the background and it feels like something we can’t unlearn. also, the idea of suffering as proof of worthiness—of earning redemption through pain—is one of the most haunting aspects of faith.
I enjoyed reading this. Currently I’m in the process of deconstructing the faith I was born into. I study the occult and have practiced other faiths but Christianity was always my foundation growing up. Even when I broke away from the church its principles never left me. At times when I was reading other texts I would get a sense of guilt and even now I know that I believe in God/source/universe. however going back and reading scripture I find I still have evangelical programming that clouds my eyes when trying to read.
How does one break free from doctrine completely? Or is it like you said?…a haunting that pops up in our lives?
i think it’s both—something you can actively work to unlearn, but also something that lingers, shaping the way you see the world even when you no longer subscribe to it. breaking free from doctrine completely might not be possible, but maybe the goal isn’t to erase it, but to reframe it—to approach it with new eyes, without the weight of obligation or fear. deconstruction isn’t about replacing one rigid belief system with another, but about making space for nuance, for contradictions, for the possibility that belief (or the lack of it) doesn’t have to be absolute.
this so deeply resonates with me. i’m in the beginnings of deconstructing my deeply held beliefs and navigating through the first steps is so hard. reading your comment about the purpose of deconstruction has helped me to better understand the direction to take in working to better understand myself and what i’ve been taught so thank you for the post and the comment!
Yesssssss! This resonated with me. I decided a couple days ago to start reading the Bible like a scholar. Let me tell you it is difficult to read scripture and not look for hidden meanings and metaphors. But with this deconstruction I’m accepting the idea that I don’t have to suffer in order to win Gods favor. This is a wall I’m constantly running into but it’s a process
I wonder if you have come across the the English mystic, Julian of Norwich. Her writings - Revelations of Divine Love are so interesting. So dangerous for anyone writing about such things in the 1400s, but for a woman then it was even more so.
i have not but i'm intrigued
The modern translation from middle English is very readable. It is thought to be the earliest book written by a woman in English.
Desperately hungry for intellectuals to reclaim the “spiritual/mystical, not religious” identity from people who wouldn’t be able to comprehend this essay. It is a profound foundational ideological structure, not just a tagline for those who shop for crystals.
the “spiritual but not religious” identity has been flattened into a vague, commodified aesthetic rather than the deep ideological and philosophical orientation it can be. historically, mysticism has been at the core of some of the most rigorous intellectual and existential inquiries—even kierkegaard’s leap of faith. but in the modern landscape, it’s been co-opted by surface-level consumerism rather than engaged with as a serious, foundational worldview.
Yes, its historical manifestations are bountiful. Since you and I come from the Christian context, it’s important to stand on the shoulders of Eckhart, Hildegard, the anonymous author of The Cloud of Unknowing, Kierkegaard, and (yes, to your credit) Merton. And we must integrate elements of Eastern traditions into our frameworks, as well. This is neither appropriation nor dilettantism. The universe of spirituality is lush and must be fully explored by anyone claiming to be an aristocrat of the soul.
Oh, the ex-Catholic in me is screaming TURN IT UP 🗣️
Weeps in nun 🕊️
You put into words what I’ve been feeling for most of my adult life after leaving the evangelical church. Fuck. Thank you. You gave me language I did not know how to use to help ease the ache in my chest.
i'm glad it resonates <3
Amen. Love this so much. As a recovering Irish Catholic it has taken years to be able to gain perspective and self-confidence to break away. It does however leave a significant hole, I miss the ceremony of things, how we mark/honour things that happen. Death, birth, illness etc. It's finding other rituals that mark these life events to help process the emotions, I have been finding solace in learning more about other religions including paganism, buddhism and finding other rituals that feel kinder/more authentic to me. Thank you for these words, they so resonate.
i'm glad this resonated with you!
What if we are haunted by religion because it's true?
reverse uno for sure
Was going to comment this same thing
As a current SDA (raised since 6yrs old) I approve this message. It is so much more than a subset of doctrine.
this!
This was an incredible read. I deconstructed evangelicalism, journeyed through atheism, Buddhism, agnosticism, and landed in Catholicism. This nails so many experiences better than anything I’ve ever seen or read.
I’m so glad it resonated with you. I’ve been in a deep spiral of attempting to heal the religious trauma from my childhood
It’s a wild ride and I salute anyone doing this work.
Love this! As someone who grew up in a suffocating religious environment, it was a not an easy task to unlearn all the things that I was conditioned (aka brainwashed) to believe.
♥️
caitlyn this is hauntingly beautiful and made me feel so seen and understood. love you and your work!!!
thank you so much!
Thank you. 💛
♥️
You write so clearly and wonderfully, and are an inspiration to my current and writing/thinking/ processing around my religious upbringing. Thank you for putting yourself out there!
thank you for your kind words!
My mother grew up in a profoundly Catholic home. She too had to go to a Catholic school, attend mass, the priest even came to their home to bless them in the evenings. She gave up the church when I was a young girl (after my first year in Catholic school.) She still lives with the reverberations of the indoctrination. It really hit her family hard. My mom's younger sister died when she was six from HIB, and my mom's older sister was convinced (to this day) that she was at fault, as she had given up candy for Lent and one afternoon before their little sister's death, had snuck into a drawer and eaten a piece of hard candy. The rules and rituals that my mom has given up over the years still haunt her though.
this is heartbreaking and really speaks to how deeply religious conditioning embeds itself, even after someone has left the church. guilt, especially the kind instilled in childhood, doesn’t just disappear—it lingers, reshaping itself in different ways over time. the story about your aunt feeling responsible is devastating but also such a clear example of how doctrine can warp grief, turning it into something punitive. i think a lot about how religion, for all its beauty, often teaches people to see suffering as something earned, as if every joy must be balanced by some kind of penance. unlearning that is hard, maybe even impossible in some ways, but acknowledging it—seeing it for what it is—is a start.
Yes sadly it does warp grief into something punitive - that's exactly it. My mom and her sister and brother have never unlearned their indoctrination. It was a central part of their childhood so I think their identity is cloaked in it, even at 70+ years of age.
Is pleasure reading this. I want to recommend a film which may not be a amazing one. For me personally is something I watch now and then. El crimen del padre amaro. I love this film for many reasons, since I was a teen who asked every night why did my god abandon me. There was a time when I was in elementary school where my friends told me if I wasn’t baptized and I (for some reason) died I wouldn’t go to heaven. I was so worried, but one day in church or idk where I heard that if you had 9 years before that age your sins didn’t count. So I was relieved there was two choices for me trying to beat time and leave before that or just sin until that age and say oh well I was under the age where your sins counts. Anyways, is a timer until today, and even I know by a fact or maybe I choose to, that believe isn’t true and maybe if I pray every night or say “sorry god it want serious” after saying something bad I may be forgiven. That way maybe everything has a why, because if not, why so much character development? Anyways, back to the film. Makes me think about how for me religion is arrogance, devotion, incompetence, admiration, utter ignorance and salvation. How we admire those lives we would never have, maybe buying her outfit or praying at night would get me to my happiness. Maybe confessing our sins in the bathroom with your best friends and looking down on those who don’t match our believes. Unfollowing them, exiling them from redemption and giving our faith to those who proven themselves worthy of suffering because why give them a good life if you ain’t suffering enough. Also how love is just trust as similar in faith, trust that maybe you would catch me on the other side. (Sorry god) (also sorry for this rant) (I’m praying just in case)
the way religion shapes our fears, desires, and moral justifications is something i think about constantly—how even when we intellectually reject certain beliefs, they linger in the background and it feels like something we can’t unlearn. also, the idea of suffering as proof of worthiness—of earning redemption through pain—is one of the most haunting aspects of faith.
Amen
🙏🏻
If you’d like, there’s been a fair amount of consideration regarding any number of these things on my page.
I enjoyed reading this. Currently I’m in the process of deconstructing the faith I was born into. I study the occult and have practiced other faiths but Christianity was always my foundation growing up. Even when I broke away from the church its principles never left me. At times when I was reading other texts I would get a sense of guilt and even now I know that I believe in God/source/universe. however going back and reading scripture I find I still have evangelical programming that clouds my eyes when trying to read.
How does one break free from doctrine completely? Or is it like you said?…a haunting that pops up in our lives?
i think it’s both—something you can actively work to unlearn, but also something that lingers, shaping the way you see the world even when you no longer subscribe to it. breaking free from doctrine completely might not be possible, but maybe the goal isn’t to erase it, but to reframe it—to approach it with new eyes, without the weight of obligation or fear. deconstruction isn’t about replacing one rigid belief system with another, but about making space for nuance, for contradictions, for the possibility that belief (or the lack of it) doesn’t have to be absolute.
this so deeply resonates with me. i’m in the beginnings of deconstructing my deeply held beliefs and navigating through the first steps is so hard. reading your comment about the purpose of deconstruction has helped me to better understand the direction to take in working to better understand myself and what i’ve been taught so thank you for the post and the comment!
Yesssssss! This resonated with me. I decided a couple days ago to start reading the Bible like a scholar. Let me tell you it is difficult to read scripture and not look for hidden meanings and metaphors. But with this deconstruction I’m accepting the idea that I don’t have to suffer in order to win Gods favor. This is a wall I’m constantly running into but it’s a process