I wonder if you have come across the the English mystic, Julian of Norwich. Her writings - Revelations of Divine Love are so interesting. So dangerous for anyone writing about such things in the 1400s, but for a woman then it was even more so.
Desperately hungry for intellectuals to reclaim the “spiritual/mystical, not religious” identity from people who wouldn’t be able to comprehend this essay. It is a profound foundational ideological structure, not just a tagline for those who shop for crystals.
the “spiritual but not religious” identity has been flattened into a vague, commodified aesthetic rather than the deep ideological and philosophical orientation it can be. historically, mysticism has been at the core of some of the most rigorous intellectual and existential inquiries—even kierkegaard’s leap of faith. but in the modern landscape, it’s been co-opted by surface-level consumerism rather than engaged with as a serious, foundational worldview.
Yes, its historical manifestations are bountiful. Since you and I come from the Christian context, it’s important to stand on the shoulders of Eckhart, Hildegard, the anonymous author of The Cloud of Unknowing, Kierkegaard, and (yes, to your credit) Merton. And we must integrate elements of Eastern traditions into our frameworks, as well. This is neither appropriation nor dilettantism. The universe of spirituality is lush and must be fully explored by anyone claiming to be an aristocrat of the soul.
You put into words what I’ve been feeling for most of my adult life after leaving the evangelical church. Fuck. Thank you. You gave me language I did not know how to use to help ease the ache in my chest.
Amen. Love this so much. As a recovering Irish Catholic it has taken years to be able to gain perspective and self-confidence to break away. It does however leave a significant hole, I miss the ceremony of things, how we mark/honour things that happen. Death, birth, illness etc. It's finding other rituals that mark these life events to help process the emotions, I have been finding solace in learning more about other religions including paganism, buddhism and finding other rituals that feel kinder/more authentic to me. Thank you for these words, they so resonate.
This was an incredible read. I deconstructed evangelicalism, journeyed through atheism, Buddhism, agnosticism, and landed in Catholicism. This nails so many experiences better than anything I’ve ever seen or read.
You write so clearly and wonderfully, and are an inspiration to my current and writing/thinking/ processing around my religious upbringing. Thank you for putting yourself out there!
Love this! As someone who grew up in a suffocating religious environment, it was a not an easy task to unlearn all the things that I was conditioned (aka brainwashed) to believe.
My mother grew up in a profoundly Catholic home. She too had to go to a Catholic school, attend mass, the priest even came to their home to bless them in the evenings. She gave up the church when I was a young girl (after my first year in Catholic school.) She still lives with the reverberations of the indoctrination. It really hit her family hard. My mom's younger sister died when she was six from HIB, and my mom's older sister was convinced (to this day) that she was at fault, as she had given up candy for Lent and one afternoon before their little sister's death, had snuck into a drawer and eaten a piece of hard candy. The rules and rituals that my mom has given up over the years still haunt her though.
this is heartbreaking and really speaks to how deeply religious conditioning embeds itself, even after someone has left the church. guilt, especially the kind instilled in childhood, doesn’t just disappear—it lingers, reshaping itself in different ways over time. the story about your aunt feeling responsible is devastating but also such a clear example of how doctrine can warp grief, turning it into something punitive. i think a lot about how religion, for all its beauty, often teaches people to see suffering as something earned, as if every joy must be balanced by some kind of penance. unlearning that is hard, maybe even impossible in some ways, but acknowledging it—seeing it for what it is—is a start.
Yes sadly it does warp grief into something punitive - that's exactly it. My mom and her sister and brother have never unlearned their indoctrination. It was a central part of their childhood so I think their identity is cloaked in it, even at 70+ years of age.
Is pleasure reading this. I want to recommend a film which may not be a amazing one. For me personally is something I watch now and then. El crimen del padre amaro. I love this film for many reasons, since I was a teen who asked every night why did my god abandon me. There was a time when I was in elementary school where my friends told me if I wasn’t baptized and I (for some reason) died I wouldn’t go to heaven. I was so worried, but one day in church or idk where I heard that if you had 9 years before that age your sins didn’t count. So I was relieved there was two choices for me trying to beat time and leave before that or just sin until that age and say oh well I was under the age where your sins counts. Anyways, is a timer until today, and even I know by a fact or maybe I choose to, that believe isn’t true and maybe if I pray every night or say “sorry god it want serious” after saying something bad I may be forgiven. That way maybe everything has a why, because if not, why so much character development? Anyways, back to the film. Makes me think about how for me religion is arrogance, devotion, incompetence, admiration, utter ignorance and salvation. How we admire those lives we would never have, maybe buying her outfit or praying at night would get me to my happiness. Maybe confessing our sins in the bathroom with your best friends and looking down on those who don’t match our believes. Unfollowing them, exiling them from redemption and giving our faith to those who proven themselves worthy of suffering because why give them a good life if you ain’t suffering enough. Also how love is just trust as similar in faith, trust that maybe you would catch me on the other side. (Sorry god) (also sorry for this rant) (I’m praying just in case)
the way religion shapes our fears, desires, and moral justifications is something i think about constantly—how even when we intellectually reject certain beliefs, they linger in the background and it feels like something we can’t unlearn. also, the idea of suffering as proof of worthiness—of earning redemption through pain—is one of the most haunting aspects of faith.
"i envied those for whom religion was a source of comfort, a gentle certainty rather than a set of rules carved into stone."
Caitlyn, I'm so sorry to hear about your experience, or rather, your point of view on religion.
I must say that if you learned about religion through rules and fear of hell and not through love, humility and charity, then unfortunately you were taught the wrong way. I'm sure that Christianity will be seen much more beautifully by you if you understand that true Christians are those who, no matter the circumstances, want to look more and more like Jesus, who loves each one of us infinitely and unconditionally. They don't obey rules out of fear of hell, but because they want to be with Jesus.
And as a Catholic, I must say that your view of suffering within religion may not be correct. The suffering that involves the life of a Christian isn't, in any way, a kind of masochism, as you said. The pain we feel in our daily lives does not give us pleasure, but it's a form of sanctification. Fasting on fridays (as some catholics do), for example, gives you a stomach ache and makes you want to eat all the time, but resisting this desire is a very effective way to discipline ourselves to resist sin ("How can you control yourself from sinning if you can't control your own stomach?") It is a way of mortifying the "flesh", which in this case would be desires that don't bring any good to our lives. It's like if we said to Jesus "Lord, I don't like this, but I resist it because I know that I will be able to stay closer to you".
Martyrs preferred to die in the most agonizing ways possible rather than deny Jesus, who was the one who saved them from the emptiness they had in their hearts. I bet they didn't even think of something like "By doing this I will be saved", but they must have thought, "Jesus, I want to be your witness until death."
-------------------
Anyway, sorry for writing so much! I'm really inspired today hahaha
I hope I've changed your view of suffering in Catholicism a little bit, but if not, I'm sorry I wasted your time.
Caitlyn! Thank you for sharing your writing with the world! I am a Substack newbie, and it is so refreshing to have spaces we can share. I came back to my faith in a powerful way later in my life, and I hope you will stay open to the journey God has for you too! What a gift you’ve been given to resonate with so many in the world. And thank you for being equally open minded :-)
I wonder if you have come across the the English mystic, Julian of Norwich. Her writings - Revelations of Divine Love are so interesting. So dangerous for anyone writing about such things in the 1400s, but for a woman then it was even more so.
i have not but i'm intrigued
The modern translation from middle English is very readable. It is thought to be the earliest book written by a woman in English.
Desperately hungry for intellectuals to reclaim the “spiritual/mystical, not religious” identity from people who wouldn’t be able to comprehend this essay. It is a profound foundational ideological structure, not just a tagline for those who shop for crystals.
the “spiritual but not religious” identity has been flattened into a vague, commodified aesthetic rather than the deep ideological and philosophical orientation it can be. historically, mysticism has been at the core of some of the most rigorous intellectual and existential inquiries—even kierkegaard’s leap of faith. but in the modern landscape, it’s been co-opted by surface-level consumerism rather than engaged with as a serious, foundational worldview.
Yes, its historical manifestations are bountiful. Since you and I come from the Christian context, it’s important to stand on the shoulders of Eckhart, Hildegard, the anonymous author of The Cloud of Unknowing, Kierkegaard, and (yes, to your credit) Merton. And we must integrate elements of Eastern traditions into our frameworks, as well. This is neither appropriation nor dilettantism. The universe of spirituality is lush and must be fully explored by anyone claiming to be an aristocrat of the soul.
Oh, the ex-Catholic in me is screaming TURN IT UP 🗣️
Weeps in nun 🕊️
You put into words what I’ve been feeling for most of my adult life after leaving the evangelical church. Fuck. Thank you. You gave me language I did not know how to use to help ease the ache in my chest.
i'm glad it resonates <3
Amen. Love this so much. As a recovering Irish Catholic it has taken years to be able to gain perspective and self-confidence to break away. It does however leave a significant hole, I miss the ceremony of things, how we mark/honour things that happen. Death, birth, illness etc. It's finding other rituals that mark these life events to help process the emotions, I have been finding solace in learning more about other religions including paganism, buddhism and finding other rituals that feel kinder/more authentic to me. Thank you for these words, they so resonate.
i'm glad this resonated with you!
This was an incredible read. I deconstructed evangelicalism, journeyed through atheism, Buddhism, agnosticism, and landed in Catholicism. This nails so many experiences better than anything I’ve ever seen or read.
I’m so glad it resonated with you. I’ve been in a deep spiral of attempting to heal the religious trauma from my childhood
It’s a wild ride and I salute anyone doing this work.
You write so clearly and wonderfully, and are an inspiration to my current and writing/thinking/ processing around my religious upbringing. Thank you for putting yourself out there!
thank you for your kind words!
As a current SDA (raised since 6yrs old) I approve this message. It is so much more than a subset of doctrine.
this!
Love this! As someone who grew up in a suffocating religious environment, it was a not an easy task to unlearn all the things that I was conditioned (aka brainwashed) to believe.
♥️
caitlyn this is hauntingly beautiful and made me feel so seen and understood. love you and your work!!!
thank you so much!
Thank you. 💛
♥️
My mother grew up in a profoundly Catholic home. She too had to go to a Catholic school, attend mass, the priest even came to their home to bless them in the evenings. She gave up the church when I was a young girl (after my first year in Catholic school.) She still lives with the reverberations of the indoctrination. It really hit her family hard. My mom's younger sister died when she was six from HIB, and my mom's older sister was convinced (to this day) that she was at fault, as she had given up candy for Lent and one afternoon before their little sister's death, had snuck into a drawer and eaten a piece of hard candy. The rules and rituals that my mom has given up over the years still haunt her though.
this is heartbreaking and really speaks to how deeply religious conditioning embeds itself, even after someone has left the church. guilt, especially the kind instilled in childhood, doesn’t just disappear—it lingers, reshaping itself in different ways over time. the story about your aunt feeling responsible is devastating but also such a clear example of how doctrine can warp grief, turning it into something punitive. i think a lot about how religion, for all its beauty, often teaches people to see suffering as something earned, as if every joy must be balanced by some kind of penance. unlearning that is hard, maybe even impossible in some ways, but acknowledging it—seeing it for what it is—is a start.
Yes sadly it does warp grief into something punitive - that's exactly it. My mom and her sister and brother have never unlearned their indoctrination. It was a central part of their childhood so I think their identity is cloaked in it, even at 70+ years of age.
Is pleasure reading this. I want to recommend a film which may not be a amazing one. For me personally is something I watch now and then. El crimen del padre amaro. I love this film for many reasons, since I was a teen who asked every night why did my god abandon me. There was a time when I was in elementary school where my friends told me if I wasn’t baptized and I (for some reason) died I wouldn’t go to heaven. I was so worried, but one day in church or idk where I heard that if you had 9 years before that age your sins didn’t count. So I was relieved there was two choices for me trying to beat time and leave before that or just sin until that age and say oh well I was under the age where your sins counts. Anyways, is a timer until today, and even I know by a fact or maybe I choose to, that believe isn’t true and maybe if I pray every night or say “sorry god it want serious” after saying something bad I may be forgiven. That way maybe everything has a why, because if not, why so much character development? Anyways, back to the film. Makes me think about how for me religion is arrogance, devotion, incompetence, admiration, utter ignorance and salvation. How we admire those lives we would never have, maybe buying her outfit or praying at night would get me to my happiness. Maybe confessing our sins in the bathroom with your best friends and looking down on those who don’t match our believes. Unfollowing them, exiling them from redemption and giving our faith to those who proven themselves worthy of suffering because why give them a good life if you ain’t suffering enough. Also how love is just trust as similar in faith, trust that maybe you would catch me on the other side. (Sorry god) (also sorry for this rant) (I’m praying just in case)
the way religion shapes our fears, desires, and moral justifications is something i think about constantly—how even when we intellectually reject certain beliefs, they linger in the background and it feels like something we can’t unlearn. also, the idea of suffering as proof of worthiness—of earning redemption through pain—is one of the most haunting aspects of faith.
Amen
🙏🏻
If you’d like, there’s been a fair amount of consideration regarding any number of these things on my page.
"i envied those for whom religion was a source of comfort, a gentle certainty rather than a set of rules carved into stone."
Caitlyn, I'm so sorry to hear about your experience, or rather, your point of view on religion.
I must say that if you learned about religion through rules and fear of hell and not through love, humility and charity, then unfortunately you were taught the wrong way. I'm sure that Christianity will be seen much more beautifully by you if you understand that true Christians are those who, no matter the circumstances, want to look more and more like Jesus, who loves each one of us infinitely and unconditionally. They don't obey rules out of fear of hell, but because they want to be with Jesus.
And as a Catholic, I must say that your view of suffering within religion may not be correct. The suffering that involves the life of a Christian isn't, in any way, a kind of masochism, as you said. The pain we feel in our daily lives does not give us pleasure, but it's a form of sanctification. Fasting on fridays (as some catholics do), for example, gives you a stomach ache and makes you want to eat all the time, but resisting this desire is a very effective way to discipline ourselves to resist sin ("How can you control yourself from sinning if you can't control your own stomach?") It is a way of mortifying the "flesh", which in this case would be desires that don't bring any good to our lives. It's like if we said to Jesus "Lord, I don't like this, but I resist it because I know that I will be able to stay closer to you".
Martyrs preferred to die in the most agonizing ways possible rather than deny Jesus, who was the one who saved them from the emptiness they had in their hearts. I bet they didn't even think of something like "By doing this I will be saved", but they must have thought, "Jesus, I want to be your witness until death."
-------------------
Anyway, sorry for writing so much! I'm really inspired today hahaha
I hope I've changed your view of suffering in Catholicism a little bit, but if not, I'm sorry I wasted your time.
Caitlyn! Thank you for sharing your writing with the world! I am a Substack newbie, and it is so refreshing to have spaces we can share. I came back to my faith in a powerful way later in my life, and I hope you will stay open to the journey God has for you too! What a gift you’ve been given to resonate with so many in the world. And thank you for being equally open minded :-)