thoughts on aging and existentialism

hello.

reader, are you also in your late twenties/ early thirties?

now i’m not here to play the age wars of what age is considered “old” because truthfully, none of that matters and that type of thinking invalidates one’s emotions as we process the inevitability of growing older.

i’ve admittedly fallen into the patriarchal trap of buying into anti-aging products and the emotional discourse that comes with the nuances of growing older. everything we consume from the magazines we read growing up, to the content we see on social media, and the aging filters that trend on tiktok that are meant to terrify us into old age. but the aesthetics of aging is not what i’m talking about today.

lost in translation (2003)

my ability to emotionally age gracefully is predicated off of my success, my relationships, my level of contentment and satisfaction, and my career. the thing that scares me about old age isn’t the aesthetic changes, but rather, this concept of time, or lack thereof. it’s a feeling that time is running out and i have so much i want to accomplish and what if my time is up and i didn’t get to do everything i dreamt of. a similar feeling to what sylvia plath said in her unabridged journals- “what horrifies me the most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.”

part of the reason why i find comfort in philosophy, existentialism specifically, is because when my brain begins to spiral, i can remind myself that i am an insignificant speck of dust is this grandiose universe that is incomprehensibly bigger than myself and my purpose. it keeps the brain in check.

albert camus said, “the only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” this type of thinking underscores the inherent absurdity of life. it’s an existential manifesto where one must advocate for personal freedom. this is the ultimate act of defiance in this world we live in bounded by what society deemed as normal or what is merely expected of us. camus also said, “you will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. you will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” this highlights a deeper truth about the human condition, particularly relevant to the fear of aging. constantly searching for what happiness or the meaning of life entails can lead to a life of perpetual dissatisfaction and anxiety. as we age, many people become preoccupied with the passage of time and the search for purpose, thereby neglecting the present moment. and by ruminating on these existential questions, we miss out on the joy available to us now. this is where hope is found in the depths of existentialism.

around this time of year as my birthday approaches, my brain loves to ruminate about everything i could have been and everything i’ll never be. the shoulda woulda coulda narrative plays on a loop and i’m paralyzed by inevitable hourglass of our existence that seems to drain faster and faster as the years progress. this year i’m trying to refrain from this type of catastrophic thinking by referencing specific books and media i’ve consumed over the past several years that has helped me live in the present and combat the futility of overanalyzing life.

i’m going to share these recommendations with you in hopes that you will also find solace knowing you’re not alone.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (2004)

books:

• the picture of dorian gray by oscar wilde - this novel explores the themes of vanity, moral corruption, and the duality of human nature as dorian gray remains eternally youthful while his portrait ages and reflects his moral decay.

• natural beauty by ling ling huang - a book about the pressures of societal beauty standards and personal identity through the story of a young woman navigating the complexities of the modern beauty industry.

• the myth of sisyphus by albert camus - camus explores the absurdity of human existence and the relentless search for meaning in a world devoid of inherent purpose, using the myth of sisyphus as a metaphor for the human condition.

• being and time by martin heidegger - this foundational work of existential philosophy examines the nature of being, time, and human existence, proposing that our understanding of being is intrinsically linked to our experience of time.

• never let me go by kazuo ishiguro - explores themes of memory, identity, and the ethical implications of human cloning through the lives of three students at a mysterious boarding school.

• nausea by jean-paul sartre - follows antoine roquentin as he experiences a profound sense of existential nausea and grapples with the absurdity and meaninglessness of life.

• song of solomon by toni morrison - traces the journey of self-discovery, identity, and heritage of an african american man named milkman dead, blending elements of magical realism with deep historical and cultural insights.

  

  when harry met sally (1989)

films:

now i realize some of these recommendations might not make sense to you, but they make sense to me in some weird and wonderful way. i hope you appreciate these films as much as i do.

(also tempted to replace you’ve got mail with when harry met sally, but alas, i’m lazy and didn’t want to redo this photo)

podcast episodes:

that’s all for today. i’d love to hear your thoughts.

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i love you.

bye.

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blue valentine (2010)