weekly report and an existential crisis

hello.

please bear with me as i unload some dark thoughts i’ve been experiencing as of recent. then we’ll get into today’s weekly report.

lately i’ve been thinking a lot about life as a simulation (i’m battling a heavy existential crisis at the moment). if life is a game (it is), there are some people who know how to play it very well as i’ve enviously observed this over the years. i, on the other hand, have felt like i’ve been failing at this game my entire life. do you ever think about purpose in the context of existing? what i mean is, sometimes it feels like if i’m not living out this grand purpose or higher calling, i don’t deserve to live on this planet- almost as if i’m taking up space and at any given moment, the universe will figure it out and start finding new ways to destroying my life. i’m someone who has felt a specific calling and purpose ever since i was a young girl. i attempted this pursuit of mine and failed. as i’ve tried to figure out my next game plan and continue to try and find a different purpose that doesn’t destroy my life in the process, i’ve often felt like i am just taking up space. i’ve been running on a hamster wheel, rushed, panicked, and frantic as i continue to grow older with an insatiable appetite to do something worthwhile. and i still can’t seem to figure it out. the current economy and massive layoffs and inability for anyone to get a job in any industry that isn’t healthcare certainly doesn’t make any of this nor my earth shattering hypochondriac existential anxiety any better.

i’m too old to thought daughter my life away. i’m too stubborn and masochistic and determined to give up. my ego is too big and too much time has passed now to start over completely and try something new. and i have no idea what i want anymore. the root of my purpose has always been to help people on a deep, life-changing level- to use my brain and be educated and become a forever student. people always say “it’s never too late” or “you’re never too old” and i call bullshit. people don’t understand the sacrifices and money that it takes to be able to pursue your dreams. it’s a privilege.

so what’s a girl to do?

okay, i think i’m done now. thank you for giving me the space to vent.

on a much brighter note, and speaking of school and education and purpose, target just set out their back to school shop which means that fall is just around the corner. i’m also convinced that back to school can cure any form of anxiety or depression. it marks the beginning of a new academic era, filled with hope and purpose. i miss it. and i frequently ponder ways to go back to school again- maybe for law or perhaps another attempt at medicine. one can dream.

let’s move into our weekly report. hopefully some of these weekly report goodies will spark joy in your life.

weekly report:

Reading: i’m currently reading some thick books that require a lot more of my attention span so i’m trying not to overwhelm my tbr. whenever i need a break to read something lighthearted, i’ll read cringy witchy fiction books (a weakness of mine). if my anxiety is really bad, i’ll read cookbooks or food magazines (this almost always does the trick and now that i’m wanting to start scrapbooking again, it feels like i can recycle/reuse my magazines for a good purpose)

The Crucible by Arthur Miller: A dramatic exploration of the Salem witch trials, highlighting the dangers of hysteria, false accusations, and the breakdown of social order.

The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt: The story of a young boy whose life is upended by a tragic event, leading him into a world of art theft and self-discovery, anchored by the mysterious painting The Goldfinch.

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy: An epic novel that intertwines the lives of several families against the backdrop of the Napoleonic Wars, exploring themes of love, power, and destiny.

Eating: 

zucchini walnut muffins

blueberry scones

peach cobbler

tomato toast

Playing: 

erewhon hauls, ozempic, and chefluencers (i love mina)

la moutarde me monte au nez (1974)

lovely runner (kdrama)

camp snoopy

jazz (my favorite playlist currently), but i also made this late night jazzy japanese city pop playlist that i’m obsessing over

chess (always) i replace social media doom scrolling with substack, pinterest, and chess.com and it has done wonders for my mental health.

Obsessing:

kindle reading and audiobooks.

osulloc moon walk tea: i wrote about osulloc tea recently and it’s one of my all time favorite teas. moon walk is a black tea with pear and honey. it’s such a treat.

Recommending:

witchy summer activities: channeling your inner cottagecore, making teas and candles and little crafts. prepping for autumn. reading cringy witchy books, going to the crystal store, immersing yourself in nature, petting animals, etc.

scrapbooking: hoping to cure my anxiety with this one.

messy journaling (pen and paper, not your notes app): you know the drill <3 also, try journal prompts if you’re feeling stuck. they’ll helped me immensely.

Treating:

you guys i want the kindle paperwhite so bad. i think i’m going to bite the bullet and treat myself with this one.

okay, that’s all for today.

thank you for being here.

i love you.

bye <3

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