I really loved reading this. I especially loved the mention of your resentment of your mom and then your realization of what that really was: "it wasn’t until much later—only recently, really—that i began to understand her silence differently. i came to the startling realization that before she was my mother, she was someone’s daughter. she was shaped by her own history, by wounds and constraints that i had never fully acknowledged. her decisions, or lack thereof, weren’t born of indifference or malice but of her own complex survival mechanisms—mechanisms forged long before i ever entered the picture. this understanding didn’t erase the hurt, but it reframed it. it allowed me to see her as a person navigating her own fears, her own limitations. and in that shift, i found a way to let go of the bitterness, to forgive her for the enabling behaviors i had held against her for so long. forgiveness didn’t come as a dramatic epiphany but as a quiet acknowledgment of her humanity—and, by extension, my own." -- How you quietly came to understand that she was also a woman navigating her own path. As we get further away from adolescence and even early adulthood, we do begin to have a better understanding or realization of our parents as people. xxoo
thank you so much for reading and for your thoughtful response. it means so much that this part resonated with you. i think you're absolutely right—there’s something about moving further away from adolescence and early adulthood that allows us to see our parents in a new light. it’s not an easy realization, but it’s such a transformative one, to begin to understand them as individuals with their own stories, struggles, and complexities. i’m grateful for that shift, even if it came quietly, because it’s brought a sense of peace i didn’t think was possible.🤎
I found this riveting reading. I’m now 70 and still grappling with seeing my mother’s journey separately to my own. Forgiving her and understanding her and figuring out how I can avoid doing to my daughters what she did to me and what her mother did to her - are almost daily thoughts. And she died seven years ago. But, in a way, I am grateful for the challenge as it keeps her with me - so complicated this growing up.
I’m 34, with a beautiful 3 year old daughter. These thoughts circle in my head daily also. Such a tightrope act. I forgive my mother. Her life was tough. Her mother was difficult, to say the least. And yet, I struggle with the acknowledgment that even though I, too, endured abuse, I could never do the same to my sweet little girl. So how did she do so much to me? And yet, I circle back to forgiveness and understanding.
Good for you - it sounds like you have reached a place of real strength. Wonderful to know we don't have to just repeat and repeat and repeat. We can break the cycle. Enjoy your baby!
I deeply resonate with this. I’m 20 and still struggling with the fact that my mother has flaws and weaknesses, her own stories, just like any other human but I think it is that gripping effect of my inner child that still looks up to her as almost a God-like figure.
Also feel like a quote from Steinbeck’s East of Eden encapsulate this mirrored idea of this Substack so well:
‘When a child first catches adults out -- when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not always have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just -- his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.’
as someone who grew up with their grandparents and has little to no relationship with my mother, this really spoke to me. as much as i dislike her decisions as a person, this is still her first time on earth :(
I think a lot lately about how many generations we have gone on doing our best. I remember my parents talking about “breaking the cycle” within their own families, and here I am trying to “break the cycle” in my own. I wonder if my grandma thought to herself “I’m not going to do what my mom did to me”, I actually know she did, my great grandmother played favorites and it truly messed up the family. But that grandma, was she trying to do better? Or was she married so young she didn’t even think about it? How many generations will it take? Will my daughter do better, be more patient and braver than me?
Amazing 👏 I particularly loved how you connected the metaphor of stepping into the room to the looking back at the end. The room is the future: that which our individual identity has been able to create. The looking back is the realization that you have made of understanding we are a part of a historical whole.
wow, thank you for such a thoughtful and deeply relatable post. i lost my mom unexpectedly in my early twenties and so much of my adult life has been trying to unpack our relationship, who she really was and the forces that shaped her, and the pieces i carry forward of her. what an excellent post ❤️
I really loved reading this. I especially loved the mention of your resentment of your mom and then your realization of what that really was: "it wasn’t until much later—only recently, really—that i began to understand her silence differently. i came to the startling realization that before she was my mother, she was someone’s daughter. she was shaped by her own history, by wounds and constraints that i had never fully acknowledged. her decisions, or lack thereof, weren’t born of indifference or malice but of her own complex survival mechanisms—mechanisms forged long before i ever entered the picture. this understanding didn’t erase the hurt, but it reframed it. it allowed me to see her as a person navigating her own fears, her own limitations. and in that shift, i found a way to let go of the bitterness, to forgive her for the enabling behaviors i had held against her for so long. forgiveness didn’t come as a dramatic epiphany but as a quiet acknowledgment of her humanity—and, by extension, my own." -- How you quietly came to understand that she was also a woman navigating her own path. As we get further away from adolescence and even early adulthood, we do begin to have a better understanding or realization of our parents as people. xxoo
thank you so much for reading and for your thoughtful response. it means so much that this part resonated with you. i think you're absolutely right—there’s something about moving further away from adolescence and early adulthood that allows us to see our parents in a new light. it’s not an easy realization, but it’s such a transformative one, to begin to understand them as individuals with their own stories, struggles, and complexities. i’m grateful for that shift, even if it came quietly, because it’s brought a sense of peace i didn’t think was possible.🤎
whenever i read about motherhood, i cant help thinking about abba's song slipping through my fingers. it always brings me to tears.
just so you know, this essay means everything to me
"Old women want girls to be good, while old men want boys to be wise." - G.K. Chesterton - Do not repeat your mother’s mistakes.
I found this riveting reading. I’m now 70 and still grappling with seeing my mother’s journey separately to my own. Forgiving her and understanding her and figuring out how I can avoid doing to my daughters what she did to me and what her mother did to her - are almost daily thoughts. And she died seven years ago. But, in a way, I am grateful for the challenge as it keeps her with me - so complicated this growing up.
I’m 34, with a beautiful 3 year old daughter. These thoughts circle in my head daily also. Such a tightrope act. I forgive my mother. Her life was tough. Her mother was difficult, to say the least. And yet, I struggle with the acknowledgment that even though I, too, endured abuse, I could never do the same to my sweet little girl. So how did she do so much to me? And yet, I circle back to forgiveness and understanding.
Good for you - it sounds like you have reached a place of real strength. Wonderful to know we don't have to just repeat and repeat and repeat. We can break the cycle. Enjoy your baby!
All I have to say has been said, but I just have to say this feels so naked and vulnerable. It takes bravery to write this out, so thank you!
this healed me a little :')
I deeply resonate with this. I’m 20 and still struggling with the fact that my mother has flaws and weaknesses, her own stories, just like any other human but I think it is that gripping effect of my inner child that still looks up to her as almost a God-like figure.
Also feel like a quote from Steinbeck’s East of Eden encapsulate this mirrored idea of this Substack so well:
‘When a child first catches adults out -- when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not always have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just -- his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.’
as someone who grew up with their grandparents and has little to no relationship with my mother, this really spoke to me. as much as i dislike her decisions as a person, this is still her first time on earth :(
woah!!!! beautiful writing!!!!
i always think about the sentiment that our parents are living for the first time too. i can't remember where i first read it, but i carry it with me
I think a lot lately about how many generations we have gone on doing our best. I remember my parents talking about “breaking the cycle” within their own families, and here I am trying to “break the cycle” in my own. I wonder if my grandma thought to herself “I’m not going to do what my mom did to me”, I actually know she did, my great grandmother played favorites and it truly messed up the family. But that grandma, was she trying to do better? Or was she married so young she didn’t even think about it? How many generations will it take? Will my daughter do better, be more patient and braver than me?
This deeply moved me, thank you for posting 💛
Ditto sonhood.
Amazing 👏 I particularly loved how you connected the metaphor of stepping into the room to the looking back at the end. The room is the future: that which our individual identity has been able to create. The looking back is the realization that you have made of understanding we are a part of a historical whole.
Thank you for sharing. 🙏✨
wow, thank you for such a thoughtful and deeply relatable post. i lost my mom unexpectedly in my early twenties and so much of my adult life has been trying to unpack our relationship, who she really was and the forces that shaped her, and the pieces i carry forward of her. what an excellent post ❤️